The Journey Continues

I might have good news…

I think?

I explained the conversation that the resident doctor had with Billy in my previous post. He had it on speaker phone, so I know exactly what the doctor said. When Billy specifically asked for confirmation that it was Cancer, he said almost word for word “technically, it is Cancer… but, it is small and we should be able to remove it during another endoscopy. If it is removed, it is not like the scary cancers where you need chemo and radiation.” Then, after we looked up Neuroendocrine Tumor Cancer and saw that it was rare, and in fact very scary… it got REAL really fast!

I still couldn’t access the pathology report online because they put a 14 day hold on it. However, I looked at his records again. I saw where they apparently mailed him a letter with the results of the upper and lower endoscopy. It showed the possible Crohn’s Disease. Then, it said there was a “mild abnormality” on the upper scope test. That is where they found the tumor. Wait! What? How could cancer be considered a mild abnormality? I continued to look through his records and saw where the resident doctor documented that he called and told Billy about the Neuroendocrine Tumor and told him he needed the CT which is scheduled for Friday. There was another note from him to an office assistant asking her to call and schedule a repeat EGD to remove the Neuroendocrine Tumor. They called and I scheduled that appointment for May 5^th. Then, I found an entry from the surgeon who sent the letter we haven’t received yet, showing only the possibility of Crohn’s and the mild abnormality. His note said “as expected biopsies unhelpful.” Seriously? How can a biopsy be unhelpful if the resident doctor said it was Cancer? How can Cancer be considered a mild abnormality?

Hopeful and confused, I sent a message to the surgeon explaining the situation and asked for clarification. I know 100%, without a doubt, that the resident confirmed that it was Cancer. The surgeon’s response message said that it was not Cancer, but was a Neuroendocrine Tumor/ Carcinoid, and most were very benign. He insisted that the resident didn’t need to be as aggressive with his follow up plans as he was and we could have waited a few months before scheduling the tumor removal. That made me wonder why we would even need to have it removed within a few months if it were harmless. He said that they may have even gotten the entire tumor last time. (This is also in conflict with the resident who said they only removed a sample fragment for the biopsy) The surgeon ended his note by saying that the CT would help them evaluate the Crohn’s Disease and will also give them more information about the tumor in his stomach. He included the actual pathology report. (Finally, thank goodness)

I have been looking at the pathology report and things are becoming as clear as mud. It says the stomach specimens taken were 4-5mm (the resident said the NET was about 1cm, so clearly the whole thing was not removed last time) The report diagnosis is a well-differentiated neuroendocrine tumor. It does NOT say that it is a malignant tumor.

When I looked online, I couldn't make sense of it. Looking at the report, and reading the surgeons report, I wasn't convinced that it was Cancer. On the other hand, IF the surgeon knows it is definitely not cancer, then why does he need the CT to get more information about the tumor? My original thought was  that maybe it has precancerous cells or potential for malignancy. It showed the ki-67 index was less than 1%. I didn’t know what that was. I looked it up. Ki-67 is a protein in cells that increases as they prepare to divide into new cells. A staining process can measure the percentage of tumor cells that are positive for Ki-67. The more positive cells there are, the more quickly they are dividing and forming new cells. The higher the percent Ki-67, the greater the risk of an adverse outcome. (https://www.questdiagnostics.com/testcenter/testguide.action?dc=TS_Ki-67) His score is really low, which is awesome if I understand things correctly. When I look at some sites and studies online, it appears that it could possibly be a very low grade, slow growing cancer in the early stages… which is still great news! I am not a Doctor and the NET Cancers are really confusing. I don’t know what to make of it. The surgeon said the resident was more aggressive in the follow up planning than he would have been, and we could have waited a little while to schedule to have the tumor removed, but he didn’t suggest we cancel the upcoming appointment or move it to a later date.

In reading about the pathology, I don’t believe they received enough data to diagnose accurately. If they did, all of the information was not listed in report.

(http://www.carcinoid.com/health-care-professional/neuroendocrine-tumors-classification.jsp?usertrack.filter_applied=true&NovaId=4029462200591898377)

Did I mention that I over think and over analyze everything? This time is even more serious since it is my husband’s life at stake here! I spent hours studying the most overwhelming and confusing information I have ever tried to understand. My conclusion is that doctors do not all agree on what neuroendocrine tumors are malignant. Apparently, diagnosis can be quite difficult. According to The American Cancer Society, “It might not be possible to tell a benign tumor from a cancer when it is localized because the cells can look the same under the microscope. Any tumor that spreads, though, is a cancer (by definition).”

One publication on the National Center for Biotechnology Information website concludes that tumors of the gastrointestinal tract are varied and can be a diagnostic challenge. It said that the distinction between benign and malignant carcinoid is based on the presence or absence of metastasis. In our case, we have no idea if there are other tumors. The abdominal CT will show areas that they couldn’t see with the scope. We are praying for no other tumors anywhere!

In contrast to what his surgeon said, Mayo Clinic says that “Carcinoid tumors are a type of slow-growing cancer that can arise in several places throughout your body. Carcinoid tumors, which are one subset of tumors called neuroendocrine tumors, usually begin in the digestive tract (stomach, appendix, small intestine, colon, rectum) or in the lungs.”  http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/carcinoid-tumors/home/ovc-20164792

I could tell you about a hundred different sites and experts who have conflicting opinions about this particular type of tumor. Obviously, the two doctors that did the scope procedure and read the pathology report did not come to the same conclusion either. According to one of his doctors and many different other sources, he has a cancerous neuroendocrine tumor. However, the other doctor disagrees and there are many other sources that say that this is not yet considered cancer. Who is correct? I have no idea!

Here is what I do know. This Cancer is rare and can be scary. It is usually slow growing, but isn’t often found until it has spread. Because of that, I think the prognosis and survival rates may not reflect the outlook of cases caught early on. My understanding is that malignant and benign NETs can look the same under a microscope. Therefore, until it spreads some Doctors won’t say for sure that it is/was Cancer. By then, it is too late to do anything but treat it. Other Doctors and medical institutions maintain that these carcinoid neuroendocrine tumors are in fact Cancer, but that most are slow growing. They do have the potential to spread to organs and other parts of the body. In advanced stages, they can cause Carcinoid Syndrome and other life threatening complications that are not cancer related.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/carcinoid-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20027127

The bottom line is that this is serious stuff. Experts may not agree on what to call this rare tumor at this stage in the diagnostic process. From all that I have read and after seeing the crazy confusing pathology report myself, I believe that he has a low grade, slow growing Cancer. I also believe that all of his other concerns from the inflammatory bowels issues and lab tests led him to do the scope procedures that he would not have been likely to do for another 10 years otherwise. Coincidence? I don’t believe in that. I know that God prompted us to pursue this further. If you know Billy personally, you know that he does not go to the Doctor, take medications, or even consider invasive testing. Yet, he knew something was wrong and needed to be done. I am praising God for that!

I don’t know what the CT Scan is going to show. I don’t know what they will find when they remove the tumor. I do know that God has been right here with us the whole time and He isn’t ever going to leave us. I am choosing to believe that this tumor can be removed, that there are no others anywhere in his body, and that nobody will ever say the “C” word to him again.

This is not something that we will ever be able to forget or walk away from. We will have to monitor it for the rest of his life. The National Comprehensive Cancer Network recommends that all patients with carcinoid tumors be re-evaluated 3 to 12 months for at least 7 years.

It has been an emotional rollercoaster for sure. How can there be so many highs and lows in only a few short days (feels like the longest days of my life)? We still don’t know all of the details of what is going on. Obviously, there are conflicting expert opinions surrounding this whole issue. It may be Cancer. It might not be. If it isn’t Cancer, it could become Cancer. There are lots of “what ifs” right now. I am the what if queen, but these questions aren’t coming from me. I know I am not an expert. Science and math were my least favorite subjects in school. The terms are technical, and my mind doesn’t easily comprehend those types of things. However, it isn’t just my lack of knowledge or understanding because the medical community seems to be confused as well.

We are nowhere near the end of this journey. If the CT scan doesn’t show any other areas of concern, and they are able to remove the tumor with no issues, there will still be scans, tests, procedures, and likely follow ups and monitoring for years to come.

I don’t have answers to my questions. I don’t know if there are other tumors. I don’t know exactly what is going on. The unknown is scary. Cancer is scary. Rare tumors that create life threatening problems are scary. Do you know what is worse than that? Not having hope is worse. Not having God to comfort us and give us peace is terrifying. I experienced two days of torment because I let my fears control me. It felt like Hell. I don’t mean that figuratively. I believe that Hell is a literal place. I can’t imagine eternal pain like I felt. Yet, I am sure it will worse than the absolute worst days of my life. Separation from God alone would be unimaginable. I am thankful that I know that I will spend eternity in Heaven because of my faith in Christ. I know some people think my beliefs are just some fantasy that is fine for me, but not based on evidence. I don’t know much, but I know He is real. I have never been as sure of anything as I am of that. If I didn’t believe it, I just don’t think I could survive this world.

Nothing has really changed. The tumor is still there and threatening. Experts disagree about when to consider these types of tumors malignant. When it spreads, they agree that it is Cancer. When it is localized, some say it is and some say it isn’t. Nobody disagrees that it needs to be removed and that further tests are required. So, we will wait and pray. We are still praying for the exact same thing as before… that the CT Scan will not show any other tumors, that it can be removed completely, and that he will never have another one. Our God is able!!

2 Corinthians 9:8

And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others.

 We can feel your prayers. There are just no words to express how comforting it is to know that so many people are asking God to bring healing and comfort. We have gotten messages and calls filled with love and encouragement. We feel so blessed.

It may be a long road. I pray it will be, because long roads mean lots of travel time! I will gladly be along for every bump, twist, turn, and detour along the way.

None of us can see the road ahead. All we can do is trust God to help us navigate and just enjoy the journey.

Even If- MercyMe: Click to listen

It just got real.

 

It just got real.

Even as I sit here trying to find the words, they just won't come.  

How do I describe what I have been feeling the last few days? My thoughts are all over the place.  

For two days, I wandered aimlessly around our house. I would start to do something, and then realize that long spans of time had passed and I was still in the same place. I hadn't accomplished anything. I had just been frozen in time, paralyzed by fear. I tried to think positive. I tried to pray. There was no relief for what I was feeling. I was on emotional overload. Completely overwhelmed and unable to make sense of anything that was happening. 

My husband, Bill, has been having some minor health issues and has had a few abnormal lab tests. He is young, active, works hard, and has no history of illness. He doesn't take prescription medication. He rarely even takes Advil. He is the opposite of me. My list of health problems grows longer every year. I keep a whole basket of prescription medications and supplements in my nightstand.  

We went to his primary care Doctor and explained his ongoing concerns and symptoms. She really didn't want to refer him to another doctor or do any other testing. However, when his liver tests were slightly elevated and his symptoms hadn't gone away, we insisted that there was something going on. We weren't comfortable waiting another 3-6 months to recheck his labs. I was able to persuade his Doctor to refer him to the GI Clinic. We saw a Nurse Practitioner. She didn't feel that there was anything significant going on, but she did order more labs and further testing. After a scope procedure, they told us that they believed that he may have Crohn's Disease. They also said that they had removed several polyps and had taken a sample from a small mound and they would contact us with the biopsy results. 

Last Friday, that call came. They got the pathology report back and they believe he has an inflammatory bowel disease, likely Crohn's. We knew that was a possibility, but we weren't expecting what came next. The fragment that they removed from the mound was a malignant Neuroendocrine Tumor. Did you get that? Malignant means Cancer. It took my breath. I couldn't think. My hands were writing as he spoke, but my mind was not processing the information. We were told he needed a CT scan, surgery to remove it, and a follow up appointment. I wrote it all down. It's all there, scribbled in illegible handwriting. It says Neuroendocrine Tumor. Cancer. CT. Surgery. Follow Up. I heard every word they said. 

We were out in the camper when the call came. Billy has been fixing it up and preparing for our next road trip this summer. Ya'll, I felt like I had been punched and then held under water. I could not catch my breath and my stomach physically hurt. I felt like there was a vise around my heart. Do you know what my husband did? He told them thank you for calling and hung up the phone. He smiled and told me everything was going to be ok, and he just kept right on working. I mean he never missed a beat. He didn't hesitate. He didn't look up Neuroendocrine Tumor. He didn't sit down to catch his breath. He turned the radio back up and went right back to doing what he was doing before the call came, before my world changed forever.

 I guess I need to share a little background. I don't allow myself to get really close to people. I call it self-preservation. My inner circle is small, and getting smaller all the time. My Grandmother was the first person that I was closed to that passed away. It was traumatic for me at the time. A few years later, my Mom died from Cancer. She and my husband were my closest friends. Losing her was the hardest thing, I had ever gone through. Several years later, I lost my friend Wendy to Cancer too. I hate Cancer. Hate isn't really a strong enough word.  

What is your greatest fear? I don't care for spiders and I don't do heights. However, my deepest fear is losing the people I love. Ever since Mama died, I have had pretty severe anxiety and irrational fears about losing my husband. I wake up at night and make sure he is breathing. We have cameras installed at his auto repair shop that I can access anytime. I look at them often, just to make sure he is ok. Just to give you a little insight into my crazy obsessive logic... I don't like it when he even goes to town without me. I make him text me when he gets there and when he is on his way home. No, I am not the controlling wife that worries he is out doing things he shouldn't. It's just that he has had several close calls in the past. I have shared a few incidents in previous blog posts. Anyway, no matter how bad I feel, if I am able to go with him wherever he goes, I will. My reasoning is simple. If he gets in an accident and dies, I want to go with him. I don't want to live one day without him. I have prayed that God will allow me to go first. I know that he is emotionally stronger than I am and he would be ok. So, I figured God understood my plans and would allow me to have my way. 

When Cancer ended up in the same sentence as the love of my life, my whole world started crashing in around me. Have ya'll seen this Grumpy Cat picture with the word "NO" in big bold letters?

That is how I felt. NO! Absolutely, not. This is not happening. We are NOT doing this. If anybody was going to have Cancer, it should be me. I have lots of health issues, including autoimmune problems. My Mom died of Cancer when she was only 55. I hurt and am exhausted all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if I was diagnosed with Cancer. I could handle it. Everybody has to go sometime, right? I mean, I know where I am going. Heaven sure beats where we are now. So, I think if it were me I would handle it fairly well. I'm not saying I would be glad I had Cancer. It is an awful disease and not a fun way to go. The dying process can be scary and painful. If I had my choice, I would close my eyes one night and wake up in Heaven. No worrying about any of the unknown things that come with a life threatening diagnosis. I would just open my eyes in Paradise. What a blessing for those that arrive at the pearly gates that way. Sign me up! My point is, I would gladly take his place. I have no desire to outlive him. None.  

So, all afternoon Friday I just sat there and cried. Then I cried some more. That evening, I started researching it. WHY do I do that? Never mind, I know the answer to that. It's is just me. I have never been like the ostrich. I can’t just put my head in the sand and pretend everything is ok. I over think and analyze every situation to try to find the best possible solution and outcome. That is just how I am built. I need all of the information. The good and the bad. Knowledge is power. So, I read informational websites, research reports, case studies, life expectancies, treatments, and anything else I could find. Then, I cried some more. 

Neuroendocrine Tumors that are malignant are called NETS for short. NETS doesn’t sound that terrifying, does it? How bad could it be?

Leave it to my once in a lifetime love to have a rare cancer. He always has to be special and unique. This time is no different, as much as I wish I wish it was. 

I told a few people what was going on. I prayed. I kept reminding myself of the truth of God's word. I know He is in control. I know He heals. I know He gives us strength. I know I shouldn't be afraid. I know He is with me. I know prayer is powerful. I know I have to have faith. I know I have to trust Him. I KNOW ALL OF THAT. I believe every word of it. I have experienced Him personally and I trust Him.

Here's the thing... God has the power to miraculously heal. I have seen Him do it. I don't doubt His ability. It's just that I also know that sometimes His will is not what I want. It has to be that way because He can see the whole picture and knows what is best. God isn't a fairy godmother or a genie in a bottle that grants our every wish. He is the all-knowing creator of the universe. He is the beginning and the end. He loves me infinitely and unconditionally, but He does not always give me my way. He gives and he takes away. That is the reality. The impact of that truth sometimes hurts in a way that I can't even describe to you.  

So, that night I prayed. I barely slept. I woke up about every hour. I pleaded with God. Some incomprehensible begging that consisted of only a handful of words. I couldn't form a sentence. I could barely complete a thought. My prayers were something like... please make this go away, heal him, save him, let the pathology report be wrong, or let it be me instead... I thought you knew it had to be me first... I thought we agreed... I thought you understood... please don't make us go through this... please, God... please not him... me I can handle... just please NOT him... not my husband, the only person on Earth who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, the only man I can ever imagine sharing this life with, the one my heart loves, the one my soul plans to spend eternity with, the one who makes every day worth waking up for... please don't do this to him... don't do this to ME! Yep, that about sums up my prayer. I'm not proud of it... but, that is what pouring my heart out to God sounded like.

I also prayed for His peace that I can never quite understand. I have had it many times over the years. I wish that I could keep it and never let it slip away. It can only come from God, and I really needed it then. I wasn’t sure I could face another agonizing day in the state I was in. I was determined that Saturday would be a better day. 

Saturday morning was beautiful. The sun was out. The temperature was perfect. I woke up giving myself an internal pep talk about not wasting the day crying about things I had no control over, staying positive and not worrying about the what ifs, trusting God to give us everything we need, and all of that other uplifting and inspirational stuff. I had the regular scripture verses replaying in my mind and encouraging song lyrics going through my head. I may have even plastered a smile on my face. Fake it til you make it! 

That lasted all of about 5 minutes. I will spare you the details, but let me just say that my behavior did not reflect the level of spiritual maturity I thought I had reached. I even said out loud what I was thinking. “I know He can heal. I know He is with us. I know the verses. I trust Him. I know He can handle it. I do have faith. I just DO NOT want to do this. Not now. Not ever.”

Do you have kids? Have you ever seen a toddler tantrum? I don't mean just pitching a fit. I mean absolute meltdown, no getting through to them, arms crossed, foot stomping, crying until they can't breathe and their clothes are soaked with tears and snot. Yep, that was me. Ugly Crying doesn't even begin to cover it. It was beyond ridiculous, but that is exactly what happened.

We got groceries and Billy worked on the camper Saturday afternoon. Did I mention that he wanted to get groceries? Really? Groceries? Something so normal and ordinary in the middle of my come apart? I don’t know if I saw anybody I knew, or if I spoke to anyone. I don’t know if I selected any food or put any items in the cart. I vaguely remember checking out. It is all a blur. There we were, shopping… as if all was right in the world. Can you even imagine? I couldn’t.

My husband is an amazing man. He is easy going, fun, and always an optimist. He is perfect for me. I think we balance each other well. In the middle of my psychotic episodes, he can always find a way to keep me grounded. Grocery shopping in the middle of my nervous breakdown should clarify just how well he is able to rein in my crazy. He definitely helps me avoid the whole padded room and straight jacket ordeal.

As I prayed Saturday night, I did ask God for peace. I also asked Him to take away this Cancer forever. Then, I thanked Him. I told him how grateful I am for the blessings He has allowed in my life. He has given me so much more than I will ever deserve. I praised Him for my marriage. Everything about the way we started out was wrong, but God has the supernatural ability to make something so beautiful out of even our biggest mess. I gave Him all the glory for teaching us to love each other well. My situation hadn't changed, but my prayers did. That is how God works. He changes our hearts and allows us to see things from a different perspective.

If you have ever watched a medical show, I am sure you have seen someone in a trauma unit or emergency room crying out in pain. A nurse rushes in and gives them IV medication. Then, you actually witness their body relax as the intensity weakens and they are able to breathe normally again. That is how I felt Sunday morning. Sweet peace. Thank you, Jesus! There it was… just like I had prayed for… relief.

We got up and ready for church. It was just like any other Sunday, maybe even better. I saw him. I mean I really saw him. I noticed everything about him that I love. So many times, I take him for granted. That morning, I saw him with fresh eyes, and my heart was full. We laughed, cried, and held each other close as we danced in our bedroom that morning. We went to church, and at the end of the service we prayed. We laid it all at the feet of Jesus. We had to, because it is just too much for us to carry.

Easter is coming, and I have been thinking about how the disciples must have felt. They thought Jesus was going to set up His earthly kingdom then. They planned to live in the palace and enjoy all of the perks of royalty. They knew who He was. They had seen His miracles. He even told them what was coming. They knew He was going to be crucified. Just like me, they shook their head and said absolutely not. They didn’t understand. It wasn’t their plan. It was certainly not the path they would have chosen. When he died on that cross, they had to be terrified. They must have felt so alone. I bet they were confused and grieving deeply. For a few days, I bet they were frozen with fear just like I had been. On the third day, He rose! He was alive! Their peace returned. Their purpose was clear. Their hope was restored.

I spent a few days in fear and without direction, but He is alive and my peace has returned.

I know that people mean well and they want to offer encouragement and hope. Lots of people act like this isn’t a big deal and assure me that he is going to be just fine. The reality is, those are just empty words that don’t mean anything… and this is a very big deal to me. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for any of us. Sometimes, this world will shred your heart into tiny pieces. People lose children, parents, spouses, and friends daily. Nobody can guarantee your next breath. Only God knows what is coming next, but I can guarantee that He will provide whatever is needed when the time is right.

God is still God. I wasn’t there when he created the world or hung the stars in the sky. I wasn’t there when he allowed Jesus to suffer and die so that I might live. I wasn’t there when Jesus was resurrected. I don’t know exactly how his friends and family felt to see such a marvelous sight. What I do know, is that even when I’m selfish and demanding, God loves me. When I am afraid, he comforts me. When I am weak, He gives me strength. When I feel alone, He holds me tight. I know He is there. I know His peace in the middle of the pain is a miracle. I don’t always like His plan, but I do trust Him.

I am only afraid to lose Billy because I love him with everything I have. I am all in. The pain and grief would be unimaginable. The only way to protect the heart against losing a love like ours, is to never have had one. That would be so much worse. Many people don’t ever have the opportunity to connect with someone on the level that we have. It is a blessing. To experience a deep and meaningful relationship requires you to open your heart and allow someone in. True love is always worth the sacrifice.  

I am praying for God to destroy every cancer cell in His body. I have no doubt that He is able to do that. Nothing is impossible for God.

I am sure there will be times that the tears still come. I am human and more emotional than most. There will also be lots of love and laughter. Hopefully, for many years to come.

Billy will go to work tomorrow, just like he did today. So ordinary and normal... right in the middle of the storm. His mind doesn't work like mine does... but, I think maybe he just "gets it" better than I do. What is normal anyway? This is normal. This is life. Hills and valleys. Always changing. We are all dealing with something. All we can do is hold on to God, who is always the same, and stay anchored to His promises. We have no control over most things in life. Worrying won't change that. We can choose to waste time on what ifs... or we can honor the gift of another day and truly learn to live.

 

 

 

In the sunshine and the rain… whatever comes, I’ll praise His name

Got Grace? Give Grace!

I am starting to believe that we all have multiple personalities. It sounds silly, but I'm not joking. I am an educated, rational, and self confident person. I also have an ever changing drastic range of emotions that leave me feeling unqualified, insecure, needy, and all kinds of crazy! It is a lonely feeling that creates anxiety and even makes me feel hopeless at times. 

 

The only way I get through it is to remember that no matter what I am going through, I am never alone because God said He would never leave me. No matter how insecure or rejected I feel when people don't appreciate or love me the way I want them to, God loves me and says I am worthy, valuable, and precious to Him. No matter how much I mess up, or how useless I feel, He says I have a purpose greater than myself. 

 

He knows me. The parts of me that I keep from the world. The ugly side that I even try to hide from myself. He sees it all. He sees me. I mean he really sees me. The good and the bad. The logical and the crazy. The sacrifice and selfishness. He sees the mess. Yet, He loves me anyway.

Have you ever tried to reason with an unreasonable person? Or tried to speak truth to someone who has their mind set on believing a lie? Have you ever spent every ounce of energy and all available resources to help someone, only to watch them make the same poor choices and end up right back in the same situation they were in? I have done it way too many times. It felt like all of my efforts were wasted. I felt used, manipulated, and unappreciated. My feelings were hurt. My pride was bruised. My energy was depleted. I was angry. It made me want to stop trying, give up, and walk away and never look back. I have dealt with those difficult and ungrateful people who refuse to face reality and make responsible decisions. It is hard to admit, but I have also been that wretched person myself. 

I have been both the encourager and the destroyer. I've helped many people and hurt quite a few others. I've been the voice of reason and the one who can't make sense of anything. I've sacrificed unselfishly and I've taken advantage of others. I have created order and chaos. I have followed the truth and lived the lies. I have been a cherished friend and the hated enemy. I am my greatest advocate and supporter, but I am also my biggest critic. 

We are highly emotional beings and our thoughts and behaviors are easily influenced by people and circumstances. I get a little self righteous when I feel like I have been wronged. I get absolutely irate when someone I care about has been hurt. I crave justice and want retribution. 

Then, I remember that Justice is fair. Fair means that things are equal. Fair doesn't have favorites. It applies to everyone, even me. That means that there are consequences for the actions of those sides of me that I would like to forget. That's where Grace comes in. Grace is when God gives me His love and forgiveness even though I don't deserve it.

 

I'm grateful for His amazing grace. I am so thankful that God doesn't see me the way I see myself. He doesn't give up on me when I let Him down. He has never thrown a selfish tantrum like I have done in the past. His love is always pure. He is the anchor that keeps me from drifting into dangerous waters. 

 

Hebrews 6:19

 

We have this hope as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure.

His love and grace changes everything. He shines light to reveal His truth. He created me for more than this life. His purpose for me is bigger than my desires. He is always working in me. His power within me can change my thoughts, feelings, and actions if I let it. He understands my deepest pain and he binds my wounds. He knows the worst parts of me and forgives it all. I have chosen my way and rejected His, yet His love never fails me. 

He has blessed His children with many gifts. I am convinced that the best way we can glorify Him is by sharing them with others. We can forgive ourselves and others because He has forgiven us. We can offer comfort and encouragement because He has walked with us through hard times. We are able to show love to others even when they don't love us back. We can give others a little Grace when we remember the many sides of us that don't deserve God's favor. God's greatest gift to us is His love. It's no surprise that His greatest command is for us to return His love and to share it with others. 

I pray to have a heart like His and to love others unconditionally. I want to see the best, and forgive the worst in others and myself.

Some days it's easy to be kind, compassionate, and loving. There are also days when I fail and fall short. I am human and make mistakes. That is why I need His Grace. Nobody else is perfect either. That's why they need it too.

  
 

Ephesians 2:8-9

 

For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift—

not from works, so that no one can boast.

Grace is undeserved favor.

Nobody is worthy.

Nobody can earn it.

It is given freely because of His great love.

 

That's what makes it so amazing! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click the link to enjoy the video.

 

Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone (Chris Tomlin)

 

 

Righteousness or Happiness? You choose.

About a month or so back, a friend said something to me that I just can’t get out of my mind. She told me that she would rather be righteous than happy, if she were given the choice. That is a profound statement. I don’t believe that she even realizes the impact that those words had on my heart.

She is going through a devastating situation. Her life has literally been torn apart and turned upside down by circumstances completely out of her control. She has been let down, betrayed, and disappointed by the person she trusted most in the world. She is grieving deeply. I don’t have words to adequately describe the intense pain that she feels. Just try to imagine how completely exhausted she is…emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

When something so awful and personal happens, it effects every part of you. You begin to doubt yourself. It makes you question everything that you once thought was absolute truth. It changes your personality. It even causes you think and process information differently. The person you were before the life altering event no longer exists. You become a new version of yourself.

Most of us have experienced this transformation to a degree, at some point in our lives. It is in those desperate times that we find out who we really are. My friend feels broken, weak, and hopeless at times. She doesn’t recognize her own strength, but I can see it. She has a strength of spirit that I admire. She has unwavering Faith in God. I’m not saying she isn’t human. I am sure she has screamed, cried, and even expressed anger towards God for allowing this to happen to her. She doesn’t understand why God didn’t stop it. She can’t comprehend why someone she cared so deeply for would treat her as if she never mattered at all. The hardest part is that life goes on. She still has to work, pay bills, take care of kids, and handle all of the daily struggles of life. When she slows down enough to rest, the hurt that she feels inside seems overwhelming and like it will never get better. From her perspective, it seems like the person who hurt her has not been effected and just continues to live what appears to be a happy life. That only intensifies her struggle and makes her long for happier times. There have been occasions when I have felt consumed by circumstances. I have longed to feel happy again and to be able to smile and laugh without the pain hoovering over me like a dark cloud.  I know she desires happiness too. Yet, she said that she would choose to be righteous even if it didn’t bring the happiness she wanted. There is so much wisdom in those words.

Happiness is an emotion that is based on circumstances. It changes depending on what is going on in the world around you. My friend isn’t feeling very happy these days. However, she has the joy of the Lord.

Galations 5:22-23a

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Joy comes from God. It is a gift He gives to those who choose to place their faith in Him. Joy is a feeling so deeply embedded in our spirit that it remains no matter struggles we are facing. Joy comes from a relationship with our Heavenly Father through His son, Jesus Christ. We find our greatest joy when we live in a way that is pleasing to Him. Happiness is fleeting and based entirely on our emotional state and current situation. Joy is not dependent on anything that is happening in this crazy world. It comes from God and will never fade away.

I know many people dealing with issues that seem bleak. Some of those people are Christians and draw strength from God. They still have the Joy of the Lord in spite of what they are facing. They have a greater understanding of life. They know that God created us for His good purposes. He made a way for us to escape this life when our time comes and spend eternity in Heaven with Him. It will be a paradise more beautiful than I can even imagine.

The people that have not chosen to put God first in their lives, don’t know what joy feels like. They are not able to see anything but their depression, anger, anxiety, or selfish desires. When we allow our own desires to become more important than doing what is right morally and in the eyes of our Creator, we may quickly find ourselves in a place we never wanted to be. This downward spiral can happen to anyone. It has happened to me.  We have to stay on guard against these lies that we let ourselves believe. We have to be aware that our selfish thoughts can turn into selfish and destructive actions quickly if we don’t put a stop to it. Many lives and families are ruined when people start loving themselves more than they love God or anyone else.

For those of us who recognize all that He has done for us, we want to honor Him with our lives. One of the ways we do that is by choosing righteousness. There have been times when I have made the wrong choice. Those choices may have given me instant gratification, but they ultimately stole my peace. Every day we are faced with decisions. One of the most important decisions is what we allow our minds and hearts to focus on. Will it be honoring God, or pleasing ourselves?

 

Given the choice, I would choose righteousness over happiness.

My friend may feel like her world is falling apart and that she has lost herself somewhere in all of the pain. In reality, this situation has revealed some deep truths about who she is. She is one of the strongest women I know. She is a fighter. She is a defender of her Faith. She guards her heart and mind against the lies of the enemy. She perseveres in spite of the pain. She chooses righteousness above personal happiness.
 

Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I don’t know what you may be struggling with. Life can be extremely difficult to navigate. There are so many choices to make. We get in a rut at times and feel like we are missing out on things we may want and don't have. We start to feel burdened by responsibilities, jobs, the challenges of parenting, health issues, financial problems, or conflicts in relationships. The issues are different for everyone. Sometimes, we literally just want to run away and start over. If we allow ourselves to focus on those things, we will miss the blessings. God’s light is always there, even in the shadows. We have to learn to live a life of gratitude. We need to stop those negative thoughts that lead to selfish actions. Those actions eventually hurt everyone you care about. Selfishness is destructive.

Instead, we have to redirect our thoughts to who God is and what He has done for us. All of those things you want to run away from… the responsibilities, the job, the kids, the relationships… they are blessings! There are people who are homeless and unemployed. There are couples who were not able to have children. Many people would give anything to have the relationships that you do. Those health issues you are dealing with mean you are alive and have been given another day on Earth. The problems here are temporary. If you look close enough, you can always find something to be thankful for.

We don’t have control over what other people do or say to offend or hurt us. We can lash out in anger and retaliate. We can wallow in self-pity. We can give up and allow it to destroy us. Or, we can stand firm in Faith and have the joy of the Lord regardless of our circumstances.

We are all tempted at times. Our thoughts trick us into believing that we would be happier if we could just follow our own path. We get tired of always doing the right thing. We wonder about the road we didn’t take. Then those thoughts lead us to stray from the path God planned for us. He hasn’t asked us to do the right thing because he doesn’t want us to have any fun. He wants us to live in a way that is honoring to Him because He loves us. He knows that our path leads to destruction and His way leads to life.

Matthew 7:13-14

Enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the road is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who go through it. How narrow is the gate and difficult the road that leads to life, and few find it.

We can choose to take control of our thoughts, or we can allow those thoughts to become actions that destroy lives. We can choose to live intentional lives of purpose greater than ourselves, or we can choose personal happiness and selfish ambitions. We can choose to focus on the bad in every situation, or we can thank God for our overflowing blessings.

Choices matter. They effect more than just yourself. More importantly, they effect your relationship with God. Bad choices can have a ripple effect that reaches farther than you can even imagine.

Will you choose righteousness and all of the peace, joy, and security that comes with it, even if it means sacrificing your personal desires and fleeting happiness?

 

Today is a gift. It will be full of choices. Choose wisely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am willing... to choose righteousness over happiness.

 

 

It's not about you.

It's not about you.

I will never forget that first line of A Purpose Driven Life written by Rick Warren. I read that book years ago. The simple and profound statement weighed heavy on my heart then, and even more so now.

We live in a culture of self. We are constantly bombarded with self serving ideas. The media promotes a belief that we are deserving of whatever our heart desires. Advertisements, books, magazines, internet sites, movies, games, and a host of others try to persuade us daily that we need more to be happy. Yet, the more we have, the more we want. It is a never ending cycle of greed and selfishness.

We are led to believe that our lives would be so much better if we were just more attractive, thinner, smarter, nicer, popular, successful, better educated, earned more money, had a bigger house, wore nicer clothes, drove a new car, etc. When we evaluate our situation, we are discouraged because we fall short of what the world tells us we should be.

I have health problems that often prevent me from doing things that I would like to do. I am not always able to participate in activities that others enjoy. On top of that, I struggle with depression and anxiety. Talk about selfish! Whew, depression can toss you in a pit that you feel like you will never climb out of. It will put the entire focus of your life on yourself and how bad you feel. When I am overwhelmed by these feelings of  insecurity and hopelessness, I know that they are only temporary and that these feelings are not the truth of who I am. Sadly, most of the time, I can't seem to apply what I know in my mind to how I feel in my heart. If I allow myself to dwell on the negative thoughts and feelings, they quickly grow into a darkness that becomes unimaginable. It is hard to find your way back when you feel that alone and desperate.

I tend to become very emotional and needy when my depression and anxiety are at its worst. I hate that side of me. I prefer to be independent and strong. I guess everyone does. That isn't the way it goes most of the time. Usually, I just long for my husband to be caring and compassionate and tell me everything will be ok. Or, I want my friends to remind me of who I really am. I just need someone to make me feel loved, appreciated, and valuable. I want constant reassurance. The problem is, people get tired of the same sad cycle. They don't want to repeat the same things over and over. If they don't have emotional issues, they don't understand and quickly become frustrated. As you can imagine, that only fuels the "poor me" fire. The bottom line is that you can't count on anyone else for your happiness.

I have realized over the years that I depend too heavily on other people to validate me. It is up to me to break that cycle. The approach that I have been using is to replace the negative thoughts with truth from God's Word. It isn't easy. I can't say that I don't still get depressed, or that I don't allow the thoughts to enter my mind. What I can say, is that I don't allow myself to stay in that depressed state too long. I try not to wallow in my feelings of despair. While the thoughts still come, they don't stay as long as they used to. It is progress. For that, I am thankful.

It's not about me. Wow. Just sit with that thought for a minute. It will really make you think and touch a place in your soul that you may have kept hidden for a while. If it isn't about me, then what is it about?

Well, it is about learning who God is, and who I am in Him. He has given me everything I have, my life, my thoughts, my family, my friends, my income, my home, my ability to breathe, see, hear, and speak. Everything I have, and all that I am, are because of Him. Too many times I look around at all that He has blessed me with and I am tempted to think that I had something to do with it. Oh, how wrong I am! I can do nothing without Him. Other times, I complain about what I don't have or what I have lost. What I should do is praise Him for every good thing I have ever enjoyed in this life.

Psalm 119:36

Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.

Let's get back to the world view of entitlement. Do I really deserve all of the great things money can buy? Do I deserve anything good at all? Absolutely not! I am deeply flawed and not worthy of God's precious love and bountiful gifts. Yet, I am so grateful for them.

 

Romans 3:23

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.

 

 

I have to keep reminding myself of just how valuable I am. I am so valuable that God sent his only son to die on the cross so that I could have a relationship with Him. He knew every bad thing I would ever do. Still, He chose to die so that I might live. Who does that? I mean, THAT is Amazing Love. A love so deep and pure that I don't even fully understand it.

 

John 3:16

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

 

 

How could you ever return a love so true? You really can't. The best that you can do, and all that He asks for, is to love him with all that you have.

 

Deuteronomy 6:5

And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.

 

 

When my purpose in life is shifted from self to Christ, things look so much brighter. When I am committed to loving him by serving others, my whole perspective changes. I am not always consistent in this practice, but it is my ultimate goal.

 

Our purpose is to love others like we love ourselves. That is a foreign concept in this Me centered world.

 

Mark 12:30-32

^30 "And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’³¹ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’No other commandment is greater than these.”

 

If I would keep my eyes on God and focus on His purpose for my life by sharing His love with  others, I am convinced that my depression and selfish desires would be only a distant memory. It isn't easy to put the things we know and believe into practice. It is especially hard when the world around us is telling us that is ok to elevate yourself and your desires above anything else. Nobody likes to deny themselves. As a Christian, that is exactly what He commands us to do. Luke 9:23 tells us that if anyone wants to follow Him, they must deny themselves, and take up their cross daily. New trials come every day, but He is always there. With each new sunrise, He gives us a chance to honor Him with our lives. I know that I will still fall short, but that doesn't mean I should give up and stop trying. I will be a work in progress until I die. Only when I get to Heaven will I truly be all that He created me to be. In the meantime, I am going to take it day by day and make every effort to show him just how much I love Him. I am not perfect and will still fail at times, but because of all that He has done for me I will never give up trying.

 

I am willing to let go of me so that I can hold on tighter to Him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





 

 

Relationship Remedy

Are you struggling in a relationship? Maybe you feel disconnected from your spouse. Are you a parent that feels that you are in a constant battle with your child. Maybe you are a child who feels like your parents will never understand you. Do you have a difficult friendship that weighs heavy on your heart? Is there someone at work that you always seem to have a conflict with? Maybe you are like so many people who are lonely and long for a special someone to share life with. Whatever your circumstance is, please know that you are not alone. I think that we all have times in our life when we feel hurt, misunderstood, angry, and lonely.
 
As someone who struggles with various health issues, I am often completely exhausted. That tends to make me highly emotional. There are days when it takes everything I have just to get out of bed and get dressed. Then, I try to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is ok. I have been dealing with multiple illnesses for about 10 years. I have gotten pretty good at hiding my struggles. However, I can only put on a happy face for so long. Then, everything starts to get to me and I sometimes slip into "meltdown mode". Very few people have ever seen this ugly side of me.
 
I am in pain all day every day. I am exhausted. My muscles cramp. I often have trouble catching my breath. Sometimes, that causes severe anxiety. I have also dealt with depression my whole life. It would take several pages to list the hundreds of symptoms I experience on a regular basis. Some days I only have one or two of these problems. Other days, I deal with all of them at once.
 
I used to be ambitious, detail oriented, organized, energetic, and the one to take on challenges and get things done. Unfortunately, I am not that person anymore. It isn't because I don't want to be. I do. I am just not able to do the things I was once able to do. I have to be selective about the activities I choose. When I do attend an event, clean the house, or cook a meal, I pay for it. For days afterwards, all of my symptoms are greatly increased and I am miserable. Even though on an intellectual level others may know what problems my illnesses cause, if they have not ever experienced it, they can't truly comprehend it. Chronic Illness effects every part of my life and all of my relationships. It is humbling. It is also a blow to my self esteem. There are times when the dialogue in my head becomes very negative. I feel lazy, worthless, and unloved.
 
I am always aware of what is happening in my body. It feels like it is screaming at me and it becomes all I can think about every minute of every day. There is never a time when I am not aware of my pain. It is always there. I try not to complain about it. I don't even realize when I am doing it sometimes, but it is a source of frustration for others who feel like I complain too often. I mentioned before that sometimes I am over emotional. When I get that way, I become really needy and clingy and all of those things I always swore I would never be. I am easily disappointed. If I share those feelings with others, they sometimes think I am a pessimist and that I am being selfish and irrational. On one hand that really hurts my feelings. I want the people I care about to know how much I push myself to be there for them and that I try to stay positive in spite of my situation. I want them to recognize and appreciate my efforts. When I share my struggles physically and emotionally with someone, I allow myself to be vulnerable. I am not good at that. I am not a trusting person by nature. I have to work at really opening up to people. When that vulnerability is met with a hurtful comment, whether intentional or not, it just makes me feel that the negative things I have felt about myself are all true. If you have ever suffered from depression, you know exactly what I am talking about. We just become moody and illogical creatures.
 
I am not sharing any of this for sympathy. I only share it because I know that so many people deal with these same issues on a daily basis. If you do, I want you to know you are not alone. If you don't, this still applies to you. The point is, we are all dealing with something. It may not be a chronic illness. Whatever it is, it shapes how you view the world and interact with people. We all bring something into each relationship. Sometimes it is good. Sometimes it is bad. Either way, we are all contributing something, and there is a reason for how each of us interact with others. We are all shaped by our past, present, and our thoughts about life in general.
 
So, what do you do when people don't understand your perspective and you feel alone? Well, speaking from experience, I hate to admit it, but sometimes I cry, scream, throw a tantrum, or beg for someone to love me the way I want them to. Are those healthy responses? Definitely not. What I have learned is that you can't make someone love you the way you want them to. They will never be able to meet all of those needs and high expectations. I have also learned that I have absolutely no control over what others do, say, or think. The only thing I have control over is how I respond to it. Sometimes, I fail miserable at responding in a loving and appropriate manner. I am trying, but I am a work in progress. I guess it will be that way until I make it to Heaven.
 
I will be painfully honest. Many times when someone makes a derogatory comment that upsets me, there is usually a little bit of truth in it. Maybe that is what hurts the most. As hard as I try to not do the things people say I do, I still do them. This struggle is nothing new. It is human nature. Paul wrote about it in the Bible.

Romans 7:18-19

 

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

 

 

 My point is, no matter how good we think we are, or how hard we try, there is always room for improvement. I can't control other people. There may be things about them that I want to criticize or I may want to retaliate against them in defense. That is not what God calls us to do.

 

 Ephesians 4:2

 

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

 
We all have faults. There are many things that I need to change and improve upon. Maybe instead of being defensive, I should try to take the comments of others as constructive criticism and try to change my behavior in a positive way. It isn't up to me to make changes for someone else. I can't make anybody love me the way I want, or appreciate my efforts. What I can do is work on making myself the best person I can be. Instead of always seeking approval or validation from others, I need to focus on living a life that is pleasing to God. If I do that, I believe that all of my relationships will be improved too.

Jesus told us what was most important in Matthew 22:37-39

 

Jesus replied, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

 
That means that I need to take the focus off of my personal situation. Instead, I need to keep my eyes fixed on God and focus on loving others well.

So what is Love? Well, I am glad you asked. The Bible is clear on what Love is.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith,

is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

 

 

In the past, I have found myself reading those words and thinking to myself that whoever wronged me was not patient and kind or any of the other things that love is supposed to be. Guess what? It doesn't matter what someone else is or is not. He said YOU must love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. That means I am responsible for being patient and kind and not demanding my own way, even if nobody else reciprocates those actions. He has commanded that of me. It is my personal responsibility and nobody else's. Sometimes the truth of God Word is hard to hear and even harder to put into action.

 

Whatever your relationship struggles are, I believe that as simple as it sounds, they can be improved by choosing to love others as God has commanded.

 

If you are still waiting for that special person to share your life, please remember that there is nobody on this Earth that can complete you. That used to be a popular saying. While people can make your life feel full, God is the only one who can truly satisfy and fill that empty space in your heart. He is also the only one who will never leave you or let you down. He is the only one who will ever be able to show us what a perfect love looks like. If everything else in our life was suddenly taken away from us, if everyone we loved turned against us, His love would remain. More importantly, it would always be enough to sustain us. He assures us that His grace is enough. No matter what challenges we face, He will always be enough. So, until He sends the person He has made for you at the perfect time, continue to grow in your relationship with Him. Your future spouse will thank you for learning to love well. Loving God and loving others is the key to a life of contentment and joy regardless of the turmoil life sometimes brings.

 

That is why I must put my relationship with Him above all else. It is the most important one I will ever have. He has known me from the beginning of creation and will be with me for all eternity. I know that when I spend time with Him and meditate on His Word, good things happen. When I love others the way He has told me to, relationships improve. Even if nothing appears to change in my situation, when I am in God's will, He changes my heart and my perspective. Sometimes, I just need to be willing to see things from another point of view.

 

He told us that life would be difficult. The world is sometimes a hard and harmful place to live. I am comforted in knowing that this world is only a vapor. It is just a moment in time. He overcame the trials of this life. There truly is victory in Jesus.

 

John 16:33

 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

 

Friends, He gave us His Word to guide us through the darkness so that we can walk in the light of His love. His power is available to us if we are only willing to accept it and use it.

 

I am willing...

  

Finding peace even in the pain...

When you live with chronic and sometimes debilitating invisible illnesses, it can be a really lonely place. It feels like "normal" people can't comprehend the severity of the daily struggle. Especially when you look healthy on the outside. I have found that online support groups are a good place to encourage each other, share information about health and treatments, and even vent to those who can understand how difficult it can be. Last night as I was scrolling through my Facebook page, I saw a post from someone dealing with a chronic pain condition. She and others were having a crisis of Faith. They wondered why God would allow such things, and if He was responsible, why we should worship Him. We even talked about this in Sunday School yesterday. Someone was sharing an experience with an Atheist who could not bring himself to believe in God because of all of the horrible things that happen in this imperfect world that we are living in. I think if we are being honest, most of us have had those same questions when life gets tough.

I have multiple illnesses and constant pain and exhaustion that I can't even put into words. I also deal with depression and anxiety, as well as some really difficult relationships and past emotional hurts that I haven't completely healed from. My Mom and grandmother died a few years apart and I will miss them and grieve the rest of my life. I know that almost everyone can relate to some of these same heartbreaks and problems. I have many dark days when I start to feel hopeless. I usually have a good cry and take some time to talk to my Savior because I know He won't leave me in that dark and scary place alone. He always comforts me and lifts my spirits.

I know God didn't do any of this to me but, He has allowed it. I don't know why. I have prayed for a miracle and for healing but so far He hasn't done that. He promises to use all things for good for those that love Him. I can say that I have gotten closer to him. I need Him. I'm dependent on him because I can't deal with this on my own. One of the responses on the thread said that God won't give you more than you can handle. I don't agree with that at all. Life often throws more at us that we can deal with on our own. God promised He would never leave us or forsake us. He didn't say life would be easy. He did say that He would be with me and walk with me through the dark times. I can't handle any of this on my own. I need His help. I know He is giving me strength every day and His presence in my life is such a comfort. He told us we would have trials in this life and that we would suffer. Jesus suffered for us. He did that so that if we believe in Him we can spend eternity with him in Heaven. That's one thing that gives me hope.Whatever we face here is only temporary.We have something so much better to look forward to.

While I am here, I'm going to try to just trust Him and grow closer to Him, and try to encourage others along the way. If I didn't suffer from these things, how could I relate to others who are hurting? How could I help them when they feel hopeless? Maybe that's part of the reason Jesus chose to be a suffering servant and savior. So that He could truly understand the depth of our pain and struggles. It's always easier to relate to someone who knows how you feel, because they have experienced it themselves. I know it's hard to have faith sometimes. It's even harder to understand all of the "why's". I don't have all of the answers. I don't know why He hasn't intervened to heal when it's within his power. I do know that He has never left me and that he loves me.

Sometimes there's a bigger plan that I don't understand because I can't see the whole picture, but He can. I trust Him with my life because He gave it to me and it all belongs to Him anyway. He understands my pain and He does care. He may not take it away, but He will help me deal with it. It has taken awhile to have this peace in spite of the struggles, but I finally do have it. I hope that any of you that may be suffering with any number of issues today will also trust Him and receive that peace that only He can give.

There is always something to be thankful for! Even when the pain of life feels too much to bear, there is hope in God and His promises.

He suffered and died for me so that I can face each day with the hope of a pain free and joyous eternity in Heaven. He died for me, so I am willing to live for Him.

 

Hebrews 13:5

... He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.