It just got real.

 

It just got real.

Even as I sit here trying to find the words, they just won't come.  

How do I describe what I have been feeling the last few days? My thoughts are all over the place.  

For two days, I wandered aimlessly around our house. I would start to do something, and then realize that long spans of time had passed and I was still in the same place. I hadn't accomplished anything. I had just been frozen in time, paralyzed by fear. I tried to think positive. I tried to pray. There was no relief for what I was feeling. I was on emotional overload. Completely overwhelmed and unable to make sense of anything that was happening. 

My husband, Bill, has been having some minor health issues and has had a few abnormal lab tests. He is young, active, works hard, and has no history of illness. He doesn't take prescription medication. He rarely even takes Advil. He is the opposite of me. My list of health problems grows longer every year. I keep a whole basket of prescription medications and supplements in my nightstand.  

We went to his primary care Doctor and explained his ongoing concerns and symptoms. She really didn't want to refer him to another doctor or do any other testing. However, when his liver tests were slightly elevated and his symptoms hadn't gone away, we insisted that there was something going on. We weren't comfortable waiting another 3-6 months to recheck his labs. I was able to persuade his Doctor to refer him to the GI Clinic. We saw a Nurse Practitioner. She didn't feel that there was anything significant going on, but she did order more labs and further testing. After a scope procedure, they told us that they believed that he may have Crohn's Disease. They also said that they had removed several polyps and had taken a sample from a small mound and they would contact us with the biopsy results. 

Last Friday, that call came. They got the pathology report back and they believe he has an inflammatory bowel disease, likely Crohn's. We knew that was a possibility, but we weren't expecting what came next. The fragment that they removed from the mound was a malignant Neuroendocrine Tumor. Did you get that? Malignant means Cancer. It took my breath. I couldn't think. My hands were writing as he spoke, but my mind was not processing the information. We were told he needed a CT scan, surgery to remove it, and a follow up appointment. I wrote it all down. It's all there, scribbled in illegible handwriting. It says Neuroendocrine Tumor. Cancer. CT. Surgery. Follow Up. I heard every word they said. 

We were out in the camper when the call came. Billy has been fixing it up and preparing for our next road trip this summer. Ya'll, I felt like I had been punched and then held under water. I could not catch my breath and my stomach physically hurt. I felt like there was a vise around my heart. Do you know what my husband did? He told them thank you for calling and hung up the phone. He smiled and told me everything was going to be ok, and he just kept right on working. I mean he never missed a beat. He didn't hesitate. He didn't look up Neuroendocrine Tumor. He didn't sit down to catch his breath. He turned the radio back up and went right back to doing what he was doing before the call came, before my world changed forever.

 I guess I need to share a little background. I don't allow myself to get really close to people. I call it self-preservation. My inner circle is small, and getting smaller all the time. My Grandmother was the first person that I was closed to that passed away. It was traumatic for me at the time. A few years later, my Mom died from Cancer. She and my husband were my closest friends. Losing her was the hardest thing, I had ever gone through. Several years later, I lost my friend Wendy to Cancer too. I hate Cancer. Hate isn't really a strong enough word.  

What is your greatest fear? I don't care for spiders and I don't do heights. However, my deepest fear is losing the people I love. Ever since Mama died, I have had pretty severe anxiety and irrational fears about losing my husband. I wake up at night and make sure he is breathing. We have cameras installed at his auto repair shop that I can access anytime. I look at them often, just to make sure he is ok. Just to give you a little insight into my crazy obsessive logic... I don't like it when he even goes to town without me. I make him text me when he gets there and when he is on his way home. No, I am not the controlling wife that worries he is out doing things he shouldn't. It's just that he has had several close calls in the past. I have shared a few incidents in previous blog posts. Anyway, no matter how bad I feel, if I am able to go with him wherever he goes, I will. My reasoning is simple. If he gets in an accident and dies, I want to go with him. I don't want to live one day without him. I have prayed that God will allow me to go first. I know that he is emotionally stronger than I am and he would be ok. So, I figured God understood my plans and would allow me to have my way. 

When Cancer ended up in the same sentence as the love of my life, my whole world started crashing in around me. Have ya'll seen this Grumpy Cat picture with the word "NO" in big bold letters?

That is how I felt. NO! Absolutely, not. This is not happening. We are NOT doing this. If anybody was going to have Cancer, it should be me. I have lots of health issues, including autoimmune problems. My Mom died of Cancer when she was only 55. I hurt and am exhausted all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if I was diagnosed with Cancer. I could handle it. Everybody has to go sometime, right? I mean, I know where I am going. Heaven sure beats where we are now. So, I think if it were me I would handle it fairly well. I'm not saying I would be glad I had Cancer. It is an awful disease and not a fun way to go. The dying process can be scary and painful. If I had my choice, I would close my eyes one night and wake up in Heaven. No worrying about any of the unknown things that come with a life threatening diagnosis. I would just open my eyes in Paradise. What a blessing for those that arrive at the pearly gates that way. Sign me up! My point is, I would gladly take his place. I have no desire to outlive him. None.  

So, all afternoon Friday I just sat there and cried. Then I cried some more. That evening, I started researching it. WHY do I do that? Never mind, I know the answer to that. It's is just me. I have never been like the ostrich. I can’t just put my head in the sand and pretend everything is ok. I over think and analyze every situation to try to find the best possible solution and outcome. That is just how I am built. I need all of the information. The good and the bad. Knowledge is power. So, I read informational websites, research reports, case studies, life expectancies, treatments, and anything else I could find. Then, I cried some more. 

Neuroendocrine Tumors that are malignant are called NETS for short. NETS doesn’t sound that terrifying, does it? How bad could it be?

Leave it to my once in a lifetime love to have a rare cancer. He always has to be special and unique. This time is no different, as much as I wish I wish it was. 

I told a few people what was going on. I prayed. I kept reminding myself of the truth of God's word. I know He is in control. I know He heals. I know He gives us strength. I know I shouldn't be afraid. I know He is with me. I know prayer is powerful. I know I have to have faith. I know I have to trust Him. I KNOW ALL OF THAT. I believe every word of it. I have experienced Him personally and I trust Him.

Here's the thing... God has the power to miraculously heal. I have seen Him do it. I don't doubt His ability. It's just that I also know that sometimes His will is not what I want. It has to be that way because He can see the whole picture and knows what is best. God isn't a fairy godmother or a genie in a bottle that grants our every wish. He is the all-knowing creator of the universe. He is the beginning and the end. He loves me infinitely and unconditionally, but He does not always give me my way. He gives and he takes away. That is the reality. The impact of that truth sometimes hurts in a way that I can't even describe to you.  

So, that night I prayed. I barely slept. I woke up about every hour. I pleaded with God. Some incomprehensible begging that consisted of only a handful of words. I couldn't form a sentence. I could barely complete a thought. My prayers were something like... please make this go away, heal him, save him, let the pathology report be wrong, or let it be me instead... I thought you knew it had to be me first... I thought we agreed... I thought you understood... please don't make us go through this... please, God... please not him... me I can handle... just please NOT him... not my husband, the only person on Earth who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, the only man I can ever imagine sharing this life with, the one my heart loves, the one my soul plans to spend eternity with, the one who makes every day worth waking up for... please don't do this to him... don't do this to ME! Yep, that about sums up my prayer. I'm not proud of it... but, that is what pouring my heart out to God sounded like.

I also prayed for His peace that I can never quite understand. I have had it many times over the years. I wish that I could keep it and never let it slip away. It can only come from God, and I really needed it then. I wasn’t sure I could face another agonizing day in the state I was in. I was determined that Saturday would be a better day. 

Saturday morning was beautiful. The sun was out. The temperature was perfect. I woke up giving myself an internal pep talk about not wasting the day crying about things I had no control over, staying positive and not worrying about the what ifs, trusting God to give us everything we need, and all of that other uplifting and inspirational stuff. I had the regular scripture verses replaying in my mind and encouraging song lyrics going through my head. I may have even plastered a smile on my face. Fake it til you make it! 

That lasted all of about 5 minutes. I will spare you the details, but let me just say that my behavior did not reflect the level of spiritual maturity I thought I had reached. I even said out loud what I was thinking. “I know He can heal. I know He is with us. I know the verses. I trust Him. I know He can handle it. I do have faith. I just DO NOT want to do this. Not now. Not ever.”

Do you have kids? Have you ever seen a toddler tantrum? I don't mean just pitching a fit. I mean absolute meltdown, no getting through to them, arms crossed, foot stomping, crying until they can't breathe and their clothes are soaked with tears and snot. Yep, that was me. Ugly Crying doesn't even begin to cover it. It was beyond ridiculous, but that is exactly what happened.

We got groceries and Billy worked on the camper Saturday afternoon. Did I mention that he wanted to get groceries? Really? Groceries? Something so normal and ordinary in the middle of my come apart? I don’t know if I saw anybody I knew, or if I spoke to anyone. I don’t know if I selected any food or put any items in the cart. I vaguely remember checking out. It is all a blur. There we were, shopping… as if all was right in the world. Can you even imagine? I couldn’t.

My husband is an amazing man. He is easy going, fun, and always an optimist. He is perfect for me. I think we balance each other well. In the middle of my psychotic episodes, he can always find a way to keep me grounded. Grocery shopping in the middle of my nervous breakdown should clarify just how well he is able to rein in my crazy. He definitely helps me avoid the whole padded room and straight jacket ordeal.

As I prayed Saturday night, I did ask God for peace. I also asked Him to take away this Cancer forever. Then, I thanked Him. I told him how grateful I am for the blessings He has allowed in my life. He has given me so much more than I will ever deserve. I praised Him for my marriage. Everything about the way we started out was wrong, but God has the supernatural ability to make something so beautiful out of even our biggest mess. I gave Him all the glory for teaching us to love each other well. My situation hadn't changed, but my prayers did. That is how God works. He changes our hearts and allows us to see things from a different perspective.

If you have ever watched a medical show, I am sure you have seen someone in a trauma unit or emergency room crying out in pain. A nurse rushes in and gives them IV medication. Then, you actually witness their body relax as the intensity weakens and they are able to breathe normally again. That is how I felt Sunday morning. Sweet peace. Thank you, Jesus! There it was… just like I had prayed for… relief.

We got up and ready for church. It was just like any other Sunday, maybe even better. I saw him. I mean I really saw him. I noticed everything about him that I love. So many times, I take him for granted. That morning, I saw him with fresh eyes, and my heart was full. We laughed, cried, and held each other close as we danced in our bedroom that morning. We went to church, and at the end of the service we prayed. We laid it all at the feet of Jesus. We had to, because it is just too much for us to carry.

Easter is coming, and I have been thinking about how the disciples must have felt. They thought Jesus was going to set up His earthly kingdom then. They planned to live in the palace and enjoy all of the perks of royalty. They knew who He was. They had seen His miracles. He even told them what was coming. They knew He was going to be crucified. Just like me, they shook their head and said absolutely not. They didn’t understand. It wasn’t their plan. It was certainly not the path they would have chosen. When he died on that cross, they had to be terrified. They must have felt so alone. I bet they were confused and grieving deeply. For a few days, I bet they were frozen with fear just like I had been. On the third day, He rose! He was alive! Their peace returned. Their purpose was clear. Their hope was restored.

I spent a few days in fear and without direction, but He is alive and my peace has returned.

I know that people mean well and they want to offer encouragement and hope. Lots of people act like this isn’t a big deal and assure me that he is going to be just fine. The reality is, those are just empty words that don’t mean anything… and this is a very big deal to me. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for any of us. Sometimes, this world will shred your heart into tiny pieces. People lose children, parents, spouses, and friends daily. Nobody can guarantee your next breath. Only God knows what is coming next, but I can guarantee that He will provide whatever is needed when the time is right.

God is still God. I wasn’t there when he created the world or hung the stars in the sky. I wasn’t there when he allowed Jesus to suffer and die so that I might live. I wasn’t there when Jesus was resurrected. I don’t know exactly how his friends and family felt to see such a marvelous sight. What I do know, is that even when I’m selfish and demanding, God loves me. When I am afraid, he comforts me. When I am weak, He gives me strength. When I feel alone, He holds me tight. I know He is there. I know His peace in the middle of the pain is a miracle. I don’t always like His plan, but I do trust Him.

I am only afraid to lose Billy because I love him with everything I have. I am all in. The pain and grief would be unimaginable. The only way to protect the heart against losing a love like ours, is to never have had one. That would be so much worse. Many people don’t ever have the opportunity to connect with someone on the level that we have. It is a blessing. To experience a deep and meaningful relationship requires you to open your heart and allow someone in. True love is always worth the sacrifice.  

I am praying for God to destroy every cancer cell in His body. I have no doubt that He is able to do that. Nothing is impossible for God.

I am sure there will be times that the tears still come. I am human and more emotional than most. There will also be lots of love and laughter. Hopefully, for many years to come.

Billy will go to work tomorrow, just like he did today. So ordinary and normal... right in the middle of the storm. His mind doesn't work like mine does... but, I think maybe he just "gets it" better than I do. What is normal anyway? This is normal. This is life. Hills and valleys. Always changing. We are all dealing with something. All we can do is hold on to God, who is always the same, and stay anchored to His promises. We have no control over most things in life. Worrying won't change that. We can choose to waste time on what ifs... or we can honor the gift of another day and truly learn to live.

 

 

 

In the sunshine and the rain… whatever comes, I’ll praise His name