He has blessed this Mess!

Here's the fine print:
It occurred to me that many of you knew me "back in the day" and are well aware of my history of bad choices. I have made many decisions over the years that were not honoring to God and went against everything I believe in today. So, I felt like I needed to add some "fine print" to my previous posts for clarification.
I know the consequences of choosing the wrong path. I've taken that road. I know the pain of separation from God because I have lived it. I know that selfish behavior leads to destruction because I have taken part in destroying good things. I am ashamed of the mistakes I've made, the people I have hurt, and the chaos I've caused along the way. Once the damage is done, you can never go back and change the outcome. I'm not an expert on righteous living or marriage. I've failed at both. However, I am qualified to tell you who God is because of all He has done for me. He has forgiven every bad thing I've ever done. That's why I want to share Him. Not because I think I have it all together, but because I know I don't. I am a deeply flawed human being saved by the grace of God. I hope y'all know that when I share from my heart it is because I have walked from the darkness into His light. A life in his presence is so much better than what I ever had on my own. I still mess up. We all do. Please don't judge the message by the faults of the messenger. God's truth is absolute. He wants our whole heart. He wants to come first in our life. I'm not perfect, but my God is. He is worthy of our love and adoration. His truth will change your life if you let it and are willing to live your life according to it. Again... I am a mess, but I am HIS mess... and He has blessed this mess more than I will ever deserve or comprehend. I will be a work in progress and under construction until I reach the gates of Heaven. I believe the key to living a life that brings glory to God is to continue working towards His purposes and never give up. We may stray from His path at times, but His truth will guide us where we are supposed to go if we choose to follow it.

Health Status: It’s Complicated.

Just wanted to update everyone on Billy. His situation is complicated, but we are heading in the right direction 😊

The Doctor finally called today with the pathology results from upper/lower endoscopy. They didn’t see any new neuroendocrine tumors in his stomach, the colon “polyp” they removed was just scar tissue, and other than some inflammation from chronic autoimmune atrophic gastritis, he said that overall everything looked ok. If there are no new problems, will go back to the GI Doctor in March and discuss when he should follow up with another endoscopy and colonoscopy to monitor the conditions.

We recently met with a surgeon about his parathyroid issues. We also discussed the possibility of removing an Adrenal gland in the future. She seemed to be very concerned and said that she believes that he does have a Pheochromocytoma that has just not progressed enough to confirm. She told us that she is really interested in finding the root cause of all of this and has studied his case at length. She confirmed that his situation is really complicated with lots of factors to consider. Due to the complexity, they want to wait until after he’s had the genetic testing done before they do any surgery. If he does have one or more of the gene mutations, it would likely change what they decide to do surgically. 

We have an appointment to meet with a genetics counselor towards the end of February to discuss which genetic testing should be done. The surgeon said they specifically requested them to check for MEN1 & MEN2 (for Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia), but they may add others as well. So, it’ll likely be several months before we have enough information to make a plan on the best way to proceed. 

We are so thankful for all of your prayers and know they are being answered. We seem to have a surgeon that has a passion for neuroendocrine and Adrenal issues and it feels good to know that she has taken a special interest in his case. She understands the hidden potential dangers of MEN and is considering the entire situation before deciding what to do next. We have tried numerous times over the last 2 years to get them to do the genetic testing because if he has certain mutations, it changes so many things about treatments, surgery, and screenings. They kept telling us it was expensive and unnecessary. Now that his case has been assigned to the surgical department, she understands that he has multiple areas of concern and that could mean he has one of the MEN mutations. If so, she needs to know that before surgery to make a plan to deal with whatever they find when they get in there to look at his parathyroid, as well as how they proceed with the potential of a Pheochromocytoma. So, it’s a huge answered prayer that she requested the genetic testing and we will have the ability to make more informed decisions based on the results. 

We praise God that no new significant concerns were found on the most recent pathology report!! With everything else going on, that is a huge relief. He continues to bless us more than we will ever deserve! 

Thank you all for your love, concern, and encouragement over these last few years. We truly cherish your prayers as we continue to navigate this complicated web of health issues. 

Today is a precious gift, and we are so grateful for it ❤️

UPDATE: PRAISE GOD! All of the genetic testing they did came back negative! We are so thankful. We still don't have many answers, but this is a huge answered prayer!

“We should certainly count our blessings, but we should also make our blessings count.”

—Neal A. Maxwell

Updates on Billy’s health issues

Just wanted to share some updates about Billy for those that are interested. As you know, the last few years have been rough. It seems he’s been dealing with one weird health issue after another. I know that some of you don’t want to read a long explanation with all of the details, and that’s ok. For those that do want to know specifics, it’s easier to put all of the information here instead of repeating it multiple times.

He is having his yearly endoscopy and colonoscopy today. Good times! He has had a hard time with these procedures in the past. From anesthesia not working well enough to finish the procedure, blood pressure and heart rate spikes before they even start, really long recovery times, and ER visits after it’s over from nearly passing out. He needs specific medication and IV fluids immediately after to minimize these complications. We would appreciate prayers for an uneventful day and good results! 

They have to do regular scope procedures for several reasons. The colonoscopy is to monitor the Crohn’s Disease and remove any polyps they find. It will have to be done every 1-2 years or sooner depending on the severity of symptoms. The endoscopy will likely be done yearly, but could be more often depending on the situation. It needs to be done for multiple reasons. First, he has an autoimmune gastritis that causes his body to essentially attack the lining of his stomach. It is considered a precancerous condition. That doesn’t mean it will cause stomach cancer, but it does increase the risk. He also has low stomach acid. Higher acidity is needed for proper digestion. Having an alkaline stomach ph like he does can cause problems. It also makes his body produce high levels of gastrin. The combination of issues is likely what causes his body to produce gastric Neuroendocrine Tumors (NETs). He has already had several NETs removed over the last few years. Thankfully, they have been low grade and not aggressive. They usually don’t even know they have removed a neuroendocrine tumor because they are so small. They do a mapping process where they take biopsy samples from multiple areas in his stomach. The pathologist reviews the specimens and uses a special solution to test for NETs and do staging. So, we usually don’t know if there were any NETs or other precancerous concerns found until we get the report about a week after the procedure. As long as they are only found in his stomach and continue to be the same type of NET, they only have about a 5% chance of metastasizing. However, there’s always a chance that they could become a more aggressive type and if they did grow or spread, they would likely go to his liver. If they ever find any NETs outside of his stomach, that would also be a huge concern. So, careful follow up and frequent screening is necessary. 

He continues to have crazy episodes that cause surges of Adrenalin, elevated blood pressure and heart rate, extreme anxiety, dizziness, stomach issues, and more. He experiences a wide range of symptoms daily. They vary in duration and intensity. They started him on a medication that seems to be helping control the blood pressure spikes. He still has them, but they haven’t been as severe and don’t last as long. Unfortunately, all of the symptoms are still there. He has learned to deal with them better, so that helps. They haven’t found enough evidence to support a diagnosis of a Pheochromocytoma (a type of neuroendocrine tumor on the Adrenal glands), but they haven’t completely ruled out the possibility. Sometimes, it takes many years to find a pheo. We will be talking with a surgeon about the possibility of removing the Adrenal gland that could have a small tumor. Billy is desperate to feel better, so he is open to that idea. I don’t feel comfortable with them removing an Adrenal gland without more evidence.

In addition to those issues, he’s had some abnormal hormone levels over the last several years. His parathyroid level has been elevated consistently. The parathyroid consists of 4 tiny glands behind the thyroid. It controls the calcium levels in your body. When it isn’t working properly, it can cause too much calcium in your blood which creates a host of problems. It can also draw calcium from your bones and lead to osteoporosis. So far, his labs show high normal calcium levels and his bone density scan is normal. For those reasons, they haven’t been that concerned with the parathyroid issues since the other problems have been more severe and they’ve been focused on that. However, his endocrinologist said that it is strange to have such an elevated Parathyroid hormone (PTH) with normal calcium levels. Usually, when the PTH is high, it’s caused from a tiny benign tumor on one of the glands. They can remove it laparoscopically in an outpatient procedure and it’s not a big deal. They finally did a nuclear scan to try to find which gland the tumor was on. However, the scan didn’t show a tumor and it showed the same amount of uptake in all 4 glands. That could mean that the scan just wasn’t able to see the tumor because of its size and location. That would be the best case scenario. The problem is, it could also mean that all 4 glands are malfunctioning. That could be caused from Cancer. It could be related to even bigger endocrine problems.

There are several genetic mutations associated with NETs. One of them is of the MEN genes. If a person has this mutation, they are at a much higher risk of having Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia (MEN). Basically, that means increased potential of multiple neuroendocrine cancers in several places, often at the same time. With his history of gastric NETs, symptoms of pheo, and now the parathyroid issues, this is a legitimate concern. The VA hasn’t wanted to do any genetic testing because it’s expensive and there is no family history that we are aware of. However, with all of the recent developments, they decided to schedule him an appointment with a genetics counselor. That  will be next month. Hopefully, they will agree to some of the genetic testing. If he has any of the mutations, we really need to know that. It would change how often he has testing and follow up, what types of tracers they use in scans, and even what treatments they would use.

He has an ultrasound scheduled this week to try to get a better look of the parathyroid area. We have a surgery consult scheduled for next week to talk about parathyroid surgery. I think they will recommend surgery. They just may not know what’s going on until they get in there. Hopefully, it’s a tumor that can be removed and not a problem with all of the glands. 

He’s also continuing to deal with chronic back/leg/nerve pain. Obviously, those are not problems that carry the potential threats that the other things do, but they still significantly impact his daily life and ability to do the things he wants to do. He’s recently started doing Alpha Stem Therapy with a device he uses at home. It’s supposed to have lots of different health benefits. Hopefully, it will  relieve some of his pain and maybe even help the other issues too.

We are trusting God with all of these things and trying not to worry about things we can’t control. My friend, Wendy, used to say that it already is what it is. The Bible tells us that worrying won’t change a thing. God knows every detail of whatever lies ahead and we know He has a plan to take care of us no matter what the circumstances are. It is what it is... BUT, He IS who He is. 

If you feel led to pray for him, here are some specific requests:

• That there will be no complications with his procedure today and no Neuroendocrine Tumors or other new areas of concern.
• That he will be able to have the parathyroid surgery and it will be routine and they will not find any cancer. 
• That they will agree to do genetic testing for endocrine related disorders, and that he does not have any of the mutations. 
• That God would give us wisdom on how to proceed with the Adrenal issues given the slight possibility that he may have a pheo that they haven’t yet been able to confirm.

Behind the Mask of Depression

Multitudes of people are impacted by depression and anxiety both directly and indirectly. Depression causes indescribable loneliness. Even when surrounded by family and friends, a person may feel like they are in complete exile. The slightest thing can cause a wave of emotion and lead to unstoppable tears. It brings a flood of memories and irrational thoughts. It can turn a strong, capable, independent person into an unrecognizable mess. The depressed person knows that their pain doesn't make sense to anyone else. They learn to fake normal. They use a smile to hide the truth. When someone lives with depression and anxiety, they learn that others don't deal well with the craziness. People are uncomfortable with the vulnerability. Many don't even want try to understand such honest and raw emotion. Those suffering from depression feel things deeply. Those feelings are often so intense that it's hard to process them. They don't know what to do with the pain and there are no words to explain it. So, they put on a mask and attempt to hide the internal battle from the world. It works for a while, until it doesn't. Then, they isolate themselves to prevent anyone from seeing their weakness. If they open up at all, it's only about small things and doesn't even scratch the surface of what they are really struggling with. Eventually, they can't hide it and there is no escaping it. So, those closest to the one suffering from depression see the cracks. They see the broken pieces of a damaged heart start to crumble. At first, loved ones try to offer comfort. However, they are quickly frustrated at their inability to fix the problem. They may find it easier to avoid the person until the "emotional episode" passes. Unfortunately, to the person in a depressive state, it makes them feel abandoned, unworthy, unloved, and absolutely alone. Those feelings just add fuel to the raging fire storm they feel inside.... and the sad cycle continues. Depression isn't logical and it can't be reasoned away. When a person is feeling crushed by it, they know it doesn't make sense to feel like nothing is wrong and everything is wrong at the same time. They don't want to burden the people they love with their unhealthy and unmanageable thoughts. What they need is compassion and support even when it doesn't make sense. What they want is someone to be the voice of reason and to remind them of who they are when they have forgotten. If you care about someone who suffers from this lonely and sometimes disabling condition, the best thing you can do is be there for them. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to fix it. But, your willingness to walk with them through the darkness just might be the tiny light that leads them to hope and healing. Be an encourager. Be a light in someone's life. Be the hands and feet of Christ. Show love to those who are hurting. True love is healing, it's powerful, and it never fails.

Crazy, Irrational, Broken, & Shattered Mess

Transparency is difficult in the world we live in. It seems like everybody has their life together except me. So many perfectly portrayed lives blasted across social media. Well, this post isn’t that. In fact, it’s the opposite. 

 

Full Disclosure: I am writing this blog in an effort to remind myself of truth and attempt to change my own attitude and negative thought patterns. I am sharing it publicly because somebody out there needs to know they aren't alone and that there is hope for healing.

 

Honestly, some days I just feel broken. Well, shattered really. Beyond repair. I feel like the self destructive and critical thoughts in my head are right. The negative self dialogue becomes my normal.

 Sadly, most of the time, it’s my truth.

 

 

I know it sounds crazy and irrational. That’s because it is. That’s what depression looks like. It makes you appear to be an emotional nut job. It causes you to isolate yourself from others to avoid judgment from people who couldn’t possibly understand. 

Every now and then you may find someone that you trust to share your most intimate thoughts with. They may later decide you aren’t worth the trouble. It's difficult to support someone with problems that you can't see when you have never experienced it. It is difficult when you DO understand it. We are all just doing the best we can. Many people choose to back away because they don't feel capable of helping, or just because being involved with someone who is in the depths of despair just feels like it is too much to deal with. They may feel unqualified to help. Or, they may not want to be consumed by the overwhelming negativity and illogical words, thoughts, and actions that accompany periods of deep depression. Whatever their reasons for keeping a safe distance from the darkness that surrounds you, in your mind, it only validates the abusive language you’ve been constantly spewing at yourself internally. That creates a whole new level of hopelessness. To be fair, sometimes people really do care, but we just don't feel their concern. Just another lie we allow ourselves to believe.

Don’t misunderstand me, I KNOW that I am not without hope. I have put my faith in Jesus and He has given me hope for a better future. I truly believe that and trust Him. Unfortunately, what I know and what I feel are sometimes very different things. 

 

 

I feel alone, but I know that He is with me. I feel unworthy, but I know that He values me. I feel lost, but I know He is there to light my path. I feel sad, but I know that He has given me the gift of joy. I feel anxious, but I know that He offers me peace. I feel like I don’t have a reason to be here, but I know that He has a purpose for my life. At times, I feel unloved, but I know that He loved me enough to die for me. 

 

My point is, feelings don’t necessarily reflect the reality of a situation. They are fickle and change quickly and erratically. That’s why it’s so important to battle the harmful passing thoughts with eternal and unchanging truth from the living God. 

 

Walking in the shadows is scary. I have to continually remind myself that in order to have shadows, there must be a source of light somewhere in the darkness. Jesus is the light of the world. He is the light of my life too. If you’ve ever had similar thoughts of absolute defeat, know that if you are a believer, you are not defeated. He will fight for you, just like He does for me. 

 

We were made for so much more than this messed up existence. But, this mess is where we are right now. I don’t know why God allows illness, suffering, failed relationships, financial problems, or any of the other hurtful things we experience in this fallen world, but I do know that He promises to use all things for good for those who love Him.

I deal with multiple life altering illnesses that cause hundreds of symptoms every day. I am in constant pain, have extreme exhaustion, and can’t even think straight most of the time. I have lost people I love far too soon. The pain of that grief feels like it’s crushing me at times. I struggle in relationships. I fail daily. I worry about things that I have no control over. Truthfully, I am a wreck more often than not. I do not have it all together. Not even close. 

You know what’s even worse than all of that? Depression. It hides in plain sight and tries to destroy you from within. You can’t see it. You can’t hear it. It doesn’t leave a visible scar. You can hide it with a smile. You can cover it with distractions, but it doesn’t go away. It’s a battle that no human being can fight for you. 

The only way to win is to just keep trying and never give up. Don’t give in to the voices that beat you down. Don’t give up just to try to escape the pain. Every day, try to replace those hateful thoughts with a few more positive truths. Do something meaningful. Allow yourself to cry if you need to, but don’t allow yourself to stay there. Wipe your eyes, get up, and find your purpose and passion. 

 

 

Depression is an awful affliction. You can’t always medicate yourself to wellness. Believe me, I have tried. Sometimes, pills just don’t work. Therapy isn’t for everybody. Some of us just can’t will ourselves out of depression, no matter what others may think. If you can relate to any of that, you aren’t alone. That being said, we can’t use our emotional challenges as an excuse to wallow in self pity. Everybody has something they are dealing with. We have to stop looking to other people for happiness or fulfillment. We have to stop following feelings and start searching for and chasing after truth. 

I don’t want to live in darkness. I want to be comforted knowing that if there are shadows, God is lighting the way even though I can’t see Him. Eventually, I will find my way back to a beautiful life filled with sunshine and wonder. I have to believe that. 

One day at a time eventually adds up and brings you to a whole new destination in life. Each day is a new chance to take a positive step forward. Jesus has already conquered death, sin, and yes... disease and depression as well. Praise be to God for His indescribable gift! We are already victorious, we just have to learn to live in that truth so that we can glorify Him with our lives. 

So many people are taken from this life way too soon. For those of us who have been given the gift of another day, let’s not waste one more minute! 

 

 

Choose Joy.

Choose Hope.

Choose to never give up.

Choose to live your best life...

Starting right now!

 

 

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

This season in life hasn’t been easy. I can’t really explain why it has been so difficult. I have struggled emotionally, with chronic health issues, in my marriage, and also in other relationships. I know that I’ve been given more than I will ever deserve. I am so grateful for all of my blessings. However, life this side of Heaven is hard. 

I want to honor God in all things, but,  I’m human and don’t always do that as well as should. I fail Him daily. I question His plan. I make mistakes. I get upset when He doesn’t do things the way I want Him to. I don’t love others the way He commands. I allow my feelings about situations to become more important than the people I care about. Sometimes, I’m just plain selfish. I put my desire to be heard, valued, and validated above showing unconditional love and forgiveness. Far too often my thoughts, words, and actions don’t accurately reflect my beliefs and values. I deeply regret the times that my life does not glorify God. 

I think somewhere inside of us, we all want life to be fair. When we are hurt, we long for comfort. When someone inflicts harm, we want justice. When we are vulnerable and share our fears and challenges with people, we expect those things to be kept confidential. When we doubt, we desperately crave reassurance and encouragement. When we sacrifice for others, we hope that they will appreciate our efforts and return the favor in our time of need. When we love someone completely, we want to feel it’s reciprocated.

I’ve been told several times that my spiritual gift is encouragement. Over the years, I’ve tried to be there to lift people up when they are down. I haven’t done that as much as I wanted in recent years because I’ve allowed the challenges of life to get in the way. But, I enjoy helping others. I don’t mind walking with them through the hard stuff. I’ve been blessed to be able to help meet practical needs as well. I truly love being able to give to others. It makes my heart happy. I’ve never done it for recognition or to get anything in return. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable if someone makes a big deal out of something I’ve done. All of the glory should go to God, because even at my best, I’m deeply flawed. If there’s anything good in me, it’s all Him. He is the source of every gift I have to share. 

While I love to be the giver, I’m not so great at accepting things from others. I try to remember that in refusing a gift, I take away that persons blessing. I don’t want to do that, but I always feel that there’s someone who needs help more than I do. I think that may stem from a little hidden pride that needs to be cut out of my life. God is working on chiseling that away. I want to be independent and in control. I want to take care of myself. It’s kind of funny to think I am able to control anything. I know that’s only an illusion. The only thing I can control is my own response to whatever happens. I rarely ask anyone for anything. I don’t want to be needy or a burden. My multiple health issues wear me out and keep me from most social activities, but when I do go out in public, I usually just put on a smile and fake normal. When someone asks how I’m doing, I tell them I’m fine. 

These last few months have been awful for me. My depression has been worse than it’s been in over 20 years. I’ve had some really dark thoughts. If you can imagine it, it’s probably crossed my mind. I’ll admit that I’ve been withdrawn and distant. It seems that when depression kicks in and I need people most, I  tend to isolate myself. That’s all on me and nobody else is to blame. It’s hard to function with overwhelming pain, total exhaustion, and wave after wave of negative emotions. It isn’t a good excuse, but that’s just how it is. I don’t want to be around people when I get that way. I know they won’t understand and I don’t want to bring anybody else down. I don’t want people to think I’m whining or just trying to get attention. Sadly, that seems to be a standard reaction to episodes of depression. When my emotions are running wild, it creates huge anxiety issues and a short fuse. It’s not pretty and I’m not proud of it. I just feel like it’s better for everyone if I’m not around and nobody has to deal with me. 

During these last few months when someone asked me how I was doing, I was honest and told them that I was not doing well at all. I explained that I was in a really dark and lonely place. Moments of total transparency and vulnerability regarding my struggle with depression are rare. It’s not something that I openly discuss and I usually try to work through my issues on my own. This time, the cycle of sadness has lasted much longer than usual and I did admit to some people that I was having a hard time. There were a few who had words of encouragement and assured me they would pray for me. They were a lifeline and meant more to me than words could ever express. For the most part, the response I got was... well, nothing... crickets. It hurt, and only added to the negative thoughts in my mind. I started to question my purpose and my value as a human being. I felt like I didn’t matter and that I could just disappear and nobody would even realize I was gone.

I thought about all of the times I’d dropped everything for someone else, the times I’d made myself extremely uncomfortable to make someone else happy, the times I’d stood by people even when I didn’t agree with them, the sacrifices I’d made, how I tried to be honest even when it wasn’t popular, the times I’d forgiven hurtful words and actions that still haunt me, all of the love I had  given to people who would never be able to love me back in the way I needed. At first, I got angry. Then, I realized that my anger was easier for me to deal with than the pain of feeling unloved or forgotten. I was using anger as a tool of self preservation. The truth is, I was grieving the realization that my relationships were not as strong or fulfilling as I thought they were. I felt broken and completely alone.

Most people want to feel loved, needed, appreciated, and included. When you feel like people are excluding you on purpose, talking behind your back, don’t care about you, or are just not considering how their words and actions might impact you, it’s heartbreaking. That’s how I’ve felt lately. 

I know that I’m not for everybody. I over analyze and think deeply about things. I have strong opinions and probably share them more than I should. I can be pretty intense. I know I’m not always easy. Lately, it seems that people don’t like those things about me and don’t think having me in their life is worth the effort. Some days I’m ok with that, but in the midst of fighting the battles in my mind, it isn’t ok. It hurts and it’s unfair. That’s just the way life is sometimes, but I wasn’t created to live this way. I don’t have to feel defeated. I was made to live victoriously!

God is constantly reminding me that many times my feelings lie. My perception of things does not make it truth. My desire to be loved a certain way is a normal human response. It’s also selfish. I am supposed to love completely even if it’s not returned. I’ve certainly been unloveable, yet God chose to love me anyway. 

He continues to remind me that my value is not determined by what others think, or even what I think. 

I matter because I’m His. I’m worthy because He says I am. My life has purpose because He chose me to live here and now for a reason. I don’t have to understand everything. I’m not able to see His plan from start to finish. I just have to trust that it’s a good plan, even when it’s not easy.  

He gave me a moment of clarity during the storm and showed me that I had been looking for acceptance, purpose, peace, and love in all the wrong places.

Sometimes people are mean and they hurt others on purpose. I’m learning that there are people who enjoy drama. The people who should want to promote peace are sometimes the ones fanning the flames of conflict. Many people may not have malicious intentions, but cause pain without meaning to. They may be indifferent or distracted by their own problems. I have been hurt by those people, and I hate to admit it, but at times, I have also been those people. I think that mostly, everyone is just busy. It’s not personal. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. Life is complicated and we all have so many responsibilities and obligations that pull us in different directions. 

Not everyone responds to situations or feels things the same way I do. Most people don’t even understand what it’s like to have a chronic illness, especially one that they can’t see. It’s hard to understand something that isn’t obvious and visible if you’ve never experienced it. The crazy range of irrational emotions that come with depression don’t make sense to people. They aren’t even logical to me and I have lived with them my entire life! Friends and family probably don’t know what to say when someone shares that they are struggling, so they just avoid the subject. I’ve had that happen to me lots of times. It made me sad because I felt like my whole world was crumbling around me and nobody cared. Just because that’s how I felt in those moments of weakness, doesn’t mean it was true. 

I haven’t always been the best person I could be. I have failed many times as a friend, wife, mother, daughter, and in every other role I’ve been given. I know that I’ve let people I care deeply about down repeatedly. I didn’t do it on purpose, but it still happened. It’ll likely happen again. Why? Because I’m not perfect. None of us are. Nobody on Earth can meet my needs and expectations all the time. That would be impossible! So, why do I continue to allow myself to be hurt by unmet expectations? Why am I looking for help from people instead of the all knowing and unchanging God that created me?

It’s always shocking to me when I learn that I am not as spiritually mature as I thought I was. When I’m hurt or angry, it doesn’t take long before the old me surfaces. My selfish nature shows it’s ugly face and throws one heck of a fit from time to time. It’s a humbling experience to be reminded of what a mess I was before Christ, and how quickly I can still fall when I take my focus off of Him. 

There’s a lesson in every hardship that God allows. We all have different weaknesses. God knows where we need the most work and allows whatever it takes to mold us and shape us. Sometimes, we are slow learners. The refining process hurts, but the end result is worth the pain. 

I have never wanted to be the center of attention. I’m a behind the scenes person. I don’t need to be popular. However, I do crave a deep connection with the people I’m closest to. I want to be a priority to them. Feeling distant and disconnected from those I have a close bond with is extremely difficult for me. Without their support, I start to feel disoriented and a little lost. 

Over the last few months, in my lowest moments, I felt hopeless and wanted to give up. I felt misunderstood and insignificant. I felt neglected, abandoned, and absolutely alone. My heart cried out for peace and comfort. I pleaded for someone to walk with me in the darkness. I was desperate for someone to light my path and calm my fears. I had been that person for others many times. Where was that person for me? Who would rescue me from the depths of depression? Did anyone care enough to break the tormenting silence with a word of hope or encouragement. I felt like I was slowly disappearing and nobody even noticed. At some point, I bet everyone feels something similar. 

It was in the solitude and stillness that God reminded me that no matter what I feel, I am never alone because I have Him. He knows me intimately. He sees the parts of me that I keep hidden. Nothing about me goes unnoticed by Him. People may walk away from me, or we may grow apart. They may die and leave a hole in my life until we are reunited in Heaven. I may be judged unfairly or denied forgiveness when I mess up. People may slander me, or believe lies about me. They may let me down unintentionally, or might be so wrapped up in their own lives that they may not consider me at all. People I care about may cut me out of their life without even giving an explanation. They may not think that I’m worthy of a second thought. But, there is someone who thinks I’m precious and loves me like nobody else can. There is only one who will never leave me. Only one who always has my best interest in mind. Just one who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. He understands all of the complex thoughts in my head and can unravel them until only the raw truths of my heart are exposed. He can tear down the walls I’ve built and reveal that the only real security I have is in Him.  He is the living God and will never die. He’s got my back. His love for me is infinite. He is the very definition of love. When I try to find true love in anyone or anything outside of Him, my search is pointless. If I’m not looking to Him, I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. 

I’m thankful for this recent lonely journey. If I hadn’t been so desperate, I might have forgotten my deep need to feel the love of God surround me. If I hadn’t isolated myself and felt alone, I may not have been reminded of His constant presence. We truly can’t appreciate the way God loves us and how much we need Him until we know what it feels like to unsuccessfully attempt to satisfy our hearts and souls with our human relationships. 

I know that God is the only one that can satisfy my longings. Yet, when I’m overwhelmed I often forget. It seems that this is a lesson I have to keep learning time after time. Knowing the truth and feeling it inside aren’t the same thing. But, the truth doesn’t change no matter how I feel. Thankfully, each time God patiently reminds me that He’s all I need and I learn a little bit quicker. My hope is that someday soon, I won’t need to be reminded. The moment I start to feel lost, I will immediately run to Him and stop looking everywhere else for comfort. 

Today is a new day and I’m going to be thankful for it and keep my focus on the God of all creation who loves me like nobody else can❤️

If you are feeling lost and enduring a season of hardship, I hope you will look to God and be filled with the peace that only He can give. May you be wrapped in the fullness of His love and know that you are never ever alone!