Sunshine and Rain: Crazy, Irrational, Broken, & Shattered Mess

Transparency is difficult in the world we live in. It seems like everybody has their life together except me. So many perfectly portrayed lives blasted across social media. Well, this post isn’t that. In fact, it’s the opposite.

Full Disclosure: I am writing this blog in an effort to remind myself of truth and attempt to change my own attitude and negative thought patterns. I am sharing it publicly because somebody out there needs to know they aren't alone and that there is hope for healing.

Honestly, some days I just feel broken. Well, shattered really. Beyond repair. I feel like the self destructive and critical thoughts in my head are right. The negative self dialogue becomes my normal.

Sadly, most of the time, it’s my truth.

I know it sounds crazy and irrational. That’s because it is. That’s what depression looks like. It makes you appear to be an emotional nut job. It causes you to isolate yourself from others to avoid judgment from people who couldn’t possibly understand.

Every now and then you may find someone that you trust to share your most intimate thoughts with. They may later decide you aren’t worth the trouble. It's difficult to support someone with problems that you can't see when you have never experienced it. It is difficult when you DO understand it. We are all just doing the best we can. Many people choose to back away because they don't feel capable of helping, or just because being involved with someone who is in the depths of despair just feels like it is too much to deal with. They may feel unqualified to help. Or, they may not want to be consumed by the overwhelming negativity and illogical words, thoughts, and actions that accompany periods of deep depression. Whatever their reasons for keeping a safe distance from the darkness that surrounds you, in your mind, it only validates the abusive language you’ve been constantly spewing at yourself internally. That creates a whole new level of hopelessness. To be fair, sometimes people really do care, but we just don't feel their concern. Just another lie we allow ourselves to believe.

Don’t misunderstand me, I KNOW that I am not without hope. I have put my faith in Jesus and He has given me hope for a better future. I truly believe that and trust Him. Unfortunately, what I know and what I feel are sometimes very different things.

I feel alone, but I know that He is with me. I feel unworthy, but I know that He values me. I feel lost, but I know He is there to light my path. I feel sad, but I know that He has given me the gift of joy. I feel anxious, but I know that He offers me peace. I feel like I don’t have a reason to be here, but I know that He has a purpose for my life. At times, I feel unloved, but I know that He loved me enough to die for me.

My point is, feelings don’t necessarily reflect the reality of a situation. They are fickle and change quickly and erratically. That’s why it’s so important to battle the harmful passing thoughts with eternal and unchanging truth from the living God.

Walking in the shadows is scary. I have to continually remind myself that in order to have shadows, there must be a source of light somewhere in the darkness. Jesus is the light of the world. He is the light of my life too. If you’ve ever had similar thoughts of absolute defeat, know that if you are a believer, you are not defeated. He will fight for you, just like He does for me.

We were made for so much more than this messed up existence. But, this mess is where we are right now. I don’t know why God allows illness, suffering, failed relationships, financial problems, or any of the other hurtful things we experience in this fallen world, but I do know that He promises to use all things for good for those who love Him.

I deal with multiple life altering illnesses that cause hundreds of symptoms every day. I am in constant pain, have extreme exhaustion, and can’t even think straight most of the time. I have lost people I love far too soon. The pain of that grief feels like it’s crushing me at times. I struggle in relationships. I fail daily. I worry about things that I have no control over. Truthfully, I am a wreck more often than not. I do not have it all together. Not even close.

You know what’s even worse than all of that? Depression. It hides in plain sight and tries to destroy you from within. You can’t see it. You can’t hear it. It doesn’t leave a visible scar. You can hide it with a smile. You can cover it with distractions, but it doesn’t go away. It’s a battle that no human being can fight for you.

The only way to win is to just keep trying and never give up. Don’t give in to the voices that beat you down. Don’t give up just to try to escape the pain. Every day, try to replace those hateful thoughts with a few more positive truths. Do something meaningful. Allow yourself to cry if you need to, but don’t allow yourself to stay there. Wipe your eyes, get up, and find your purpose and passion.

Depression is an awful affliction. You can’t always medicate yourself to wellness. Believe me, I have tried. Sometimes, pills just don’t work. Therapy isn’t for everybody. Some of us just can’t will ourselves out of depression, no matter what others may think. If you can relate to any of that, you aren’t alone. That being said, we can’t use our emotional challenges as an excuse to wallow in self pity. Everybody has something they are dealing with. We have to stop looking to other people for happiness or fulfillment. We have to stop following feelings and start searching for and chasing after truth.

I don’t want to live in darkness. I want to be comforted knowing that if there are shadows, God is lighting the way even though I can’t see Him. Eventually, I will find my way back to a beautiful life filled with sunshine and wonder. I have to believe that.

One day at a time eventually adds up and brings you to a whole new destination in life. Each day is a new chance to take a positive step forward. Jesus has already conquered death, sin, and yes... disease and depression as well. Praise be to God for His indescribable gift! We are already victorious, we just have to learn to live in that truth so that we can glorify Him with our lives.

So many people are taken from this life way too soon. For those of us who have been given the gift of another day, let’s not waste one more minute!