Relationship Remedy

Are you struggling in a relationship? Maybe you feel disconnected from your spouse. Are you a parent that feels that you are in a constant battle with your child. Maybe you are a child who feels like your parents will never understand you. Do you have a difficult friendship that weighs heavy on your heart? Is there someone at work that you always seem to have a conflict with? Maybe you are like so many people who are lonely and long for a special someone to share life with. Whatever your circumstance is, please know that you are not alone. I think that we all have times in our life when we feel hurt, misunderstood, angry, and lonely.
 
As someone who struggles with various health issues, I am often completely exhausted. That tends to make me highly emotional. There are days when it takes everything I have just to get out of bed and get dressed. Then, I try to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is ok. I have been dealing with multiple illnesses for about 10 years. I have gotten pretty good at hiding my struggles. However, I can only put on a happy face for so long. Then, everything starts to get to me and I sometimes slip into "meltdown mode". Very few people have ever seen this ugly side of me.
 
I am in pain all day every day. I am exhausted. My muscles cramp. I often have trouble catching my breath. Sometimes, that causes severe anxiety. I have also dealt with depression my whole life. It would take several pages to list the hundreds of symptoms I experience on a regular basis. Some days I only have one or two of these problems. Other days, I deal with all of them at once.
 
I used to be ambitious, detail oriented, organized, energetic, and the one to take on challenges and get things done. Unfortunately, I am not that person anymore. It isn't because I don't want to be. I do. I am just not able to do the things I was once able to do. I have to be selective about the activities I choose. When I do attend an event, clean the house, or cook a meal, I pay for it. For days afterwards, all of my symptoms are greatly increased and I am miserable. Even though on an intellectual level others may know what problems my illnesses cause, if they have not ever experienced it, they can't truly comprehend it. Chronic Illness effects every part of my life and all of my relationships. It is humbling. It is also a blow to my self esteem. There are times when the dialogue in my head becomes very negative. I feel lazy, worthless, and unloved.
 
I am always aware of what is happening in my body. It feels like it is screaming at me and it becomes all I can think about every minute of every day. There is never a time when I am not aware of my pain. It is always there. I try not to complain about it. I don't even realize when I am doing it sometimes, but it is a source of frustration for others who feel like I complain too often. I mentioned before that sometimes I am over emotional. When I get that way, I become really needy and clingy and all of those things I always swore I would never be. I am easily disappointed. If I share those feelings with others, they sometimes think I am a pessimist and that I am being selfish and irrational. On one hand that really hurts my feelings. I want the people I care about to know how much I push myself to be there for them and that I try to stay positive in spite of my situation. I want them to recognize and appreciate my efforts. When I share my struggles physically and emotionally with someone, I allow myself to be vulnerable. I am not good at that. I am not a trusting person by nature. I have to work at really opening up to people. When that vulnerability is met with a hurtful comment, whether intentional or not, it just makes me feel that the negative things I have felt about myself are all true. If you have ever suffered from depression, you know exactly what I am talking about. We just become moody and illogical creatures.
 
I am not sharing any of this for sympathy. I only share it because I know that so many people deal with these same issues on a daily basis. If you do, I want you to know you are not alone. If you don't, this still applies to you. The point is, we are all dealing with something. It may not be a chronic illness. Whatever it is, it shapes how you view the world and interact with people. We all bring something into each relationship. Sometimes it is good. Sometimes it is bad. Either way, we are all contributing something, and there is a reason for how each of us interact with others. We are all shaped by our past, present, and our thoughts about life in general.
 
So, what do you do when people don't understand your perspective and you feel alone? Well, speaking from experience, I hate to admit it, but sometimes I cry, scream, throw a tantrum, or beg for someone to love me the way I want them to. Are those healthy responses? Definitely not. What I have learned is that you can't make someone love you the way you want them to. They will never be able to meet all of those needs and high expectations. I have also learned that I have absolutely no control over what others do, say, or think. The only thing I have control over is how I respond to it. Sometimes, I fail miserable at responding in a loving and appropriate manner. I am trying, but I am a work in progress. I guess it will be that way until I make it to Heaven.
 
I will be painfully honest. Many times when someone makes a derogatory comment that upsets me, there is usually a little bit of truth in it. Maybe that is what hurts the most. As hard as I try to not do the things people say I do, I still do them. This struggle is nothing new. It is human nature. Paul wrote about it in the Bible.

Romans 7:18-19

 

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

 

 

 My point is, no matter how good we think we are, or how hard we try, there is always room for improvement. I can't control other people. There may be things about them that I want to criticize or I may want to retaliate against them in defense. That is not what God calls us to do.

 

 Ephesians 4:2

 

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

 
We all have faults. There are many things that I need to change and improve upon. Maybe instead of being defensive, I should try to take the comments of others as constructive criticism and try to change my behavior in a positive way. It isn't up to me to make changes for someone else. I can't make anybody love me the way I want, or appreciate my efforts. What I can do is work on making myself the best person I can be. Instead of always seeking approval or validation from others, I need to focus on living a life that is pleasing to God. If I do that, I believe that all of my relationships will be improved too.

Jesus told us what was most important in Matthew 22:37-39

 

Jesus replied, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

 
That means that I need to take the focus off of my personal situation. Instead, I need to keep my eyes fixed on God and focus on loving others well.

So what is Love? Well, I am glad you asked. The Bible is clear on what Love is.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith,

is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

 

 

In the past, I have found myself reading those words and thinking to myself that whoever wronged me was not patient and kind or any of the other things that love is supposed to be. Guess what? It doesn't matter what someone else is or is not. He said YOU must love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. That means I am responsible for being patient and kind and not demanding my own way, even if nobody else reciprocates those actions. He has commanded that of me. It is my personal responsibility and nobody else's. Sometimes the truth of God Word is hard to hear and even harder to put into action.

 

Whatever your relationship struggles are, I believe that as simple as it sounds, they can be improved by choosing to love others as God has commanded.

 

If you are still waiting for that special person to share your life, please remember that there is nobody on this Earth that can complete you. That used to be a popular saying. While people can make your life feel full, God is the only one who can truly satisfy and fill that empty space in your heart. He is also the only one who will never leave you or let you down. He is the only one who will ever be able to show us what a perfect love looks like. If everything else in our life was suddenly taken away from us, if everyone we loved turned against us, His love would remain. More importantly, it would always be enough to sustain us. He assures us that His grace is enough. No matter what challenges we face, He will always be enough. So, until He sends the person He has made for you at the perfect time, continue to grow in your relationship with Him. Your future spouse will thank you for learning to love well. Loving God and loving others is the key to a life of contentment and joy regardless of the turmoil life sometimes brings.

 

That is why I must put my relationship with Him above all else. It is the most important one I will ever have. He has known me from the beginning of creation and will be with me for all eternity. I know that when I spend time with Him and meditate on His Word, good things happen. When I love others the way He has told me to, relationships improve. Even if nothing appears to change in my situation, when I am in God's will, He changes my heart and my perspective. Sometimes, I just need to be willing to see things from another point of view.

 

He told us that life would be difficult. The world is sometimes a hard and harmful place to live. I am comforted in knowing that this world is only a vapor. It is just a moment in time. He overcame the trials of this life. There truly is victory in Jesus.

 

John 16:33

 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

 

Friends, He gave us His Word to guide us through the darkness so that we can walk in the light of His love. His power is available to us if we are only willing to accept it and use it.

 

I am willing...

  

Finding peace even in the pain...

When you live with chronic and sometimes debilitating invisible illnesses, it can be a really lonely place. It feels like "normal" people can't comprehend the severity of the daily struggle. Especially when you look healthy on the outside. I have found that online support groups are a good place to encourage each other, share information about health and treatments, and even vent to those who can understand how difficult it can be. Last night as I was scrolling through my Facebook page, I saw a post from someone dealing with a chronic pain condition. She and others were having a crisis of Faith. They wondered why God would allow such things, and if He was responsible, why we should worship Him. We even talked about this in Sunday School yesterday. Someone was sharing an experience with an Atheist who could not bring himself to believe in God because of all of the horrible things that happen in this imperfect world that we are living in. I think if we are being honest, most of us have had those same questions when life gets tough.

I have multiple illnesses and constant pain and exhaustion that I can't even put into words. I also deal with depression and anxiety, as well as some really difficult relationships and past emotional hurts that I haven't completely healed from. My Mom and grandmother died a few years apart and I will miss them and grieve the rest of my life. I know that almost everyone can relate to some of these same heartbreaks and problems. I have many dark days when I start to feel hopeless. I usually have a good cry and take some time to talk to my Savior because I know He won't leave me in that dark and scary place alone. He always comforts me and lifts my spirits.

I know God didn't do any of this to me but, He has allowed it. I don't know why. I have prayed for a miracle and for healing but so far He hasn't done that. He promises to use all things for good for those that love Him. I can say that I have gotten closer to him. I need Him. I'm dependent on him because I can't deal with this on my own. One of the responses on the thread said that God won't give you more than you can handle. I don't agree with that at all. Life often throws more at us that we can deal with on our own. God promised He would never leave us or forsake us. He didn't say life would be easy. He did say that He would be with me and walk with me through the dark times. I can't handle any of this on my own. I need His help. I know He is giving me strength every day and His presence in my life is such a comfort. He told us we would have trials in this life and that we would suffer. Jesus suffered for us. He did that so that if we believe in Him we can spend eternity with him in Heaven. That's one thing that gives me hope.Whatever we face here is only temporary.We have something so much better to look forward to.

While I am here, I'm going to try to just trust Him and grow closer to Him, and try to encourage others along the way. If I didn't suffer from these things, how could I relate to others who are hurting? How could I help them when they feel hopeless? Maybe that's part of the reason Jesus chose to be a suffering servant and savior. So that He could truly understand the depth of our pain and struggles. It's always easier to relate to someone who knows how you feel, because they have experienced it themselves. I know it's hard to have faith sometimes. It's even harder to understand all of the "why's". I don't have all of the answers. I don't know why He hasn't intervened to heal when it's within his power. I do know that He has never left me and that he loves me.

Sometimes there's a bigger plan that I don't understand because I can't see the whole picture, but He can. I trust Him with my life because He gave it to me and it all belongs to Him anyway. He understands my pain and He does care. He may not take it away, but He will help me deal with it. It has taken awhile to have this peace in spite of the struggles, but I finally do have it. I hope that any of you that may be suffering with any number of issues today will also trust Him and receive that peace that only He can give.

There is always something to be thankful for! Even when the pain of life feels too much to bear, there is hope in God and His promises.

He suffered and died for me so that I can face each day with the hope of a pain free and joyous eternity in Heaven. He died for me, so I am willing to live for Him.

 

Hebrews 13:5

... He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.

 

 



Living With Chronic Pain and Fatigue

Are you one of those people who have been blessed with good health and abundant energy? Do you find yourself unable to empathize with those suffering from chronic illnesses? Do you secretly think to yourself that these lazy whiners should just suck it up and move on? To be honest, there was a time when I probably thought those same things. Then, I became the one with the overwhelming fatigue and constant pain. I don’t believe that someone can truly understand what life with a chronic illness is like unless they experience it themselves.

I am not even 40 years old. I look fine on the outside, but, I am far from okay. I have a number of invisible issues that negatively impact my ability to function on a daily basis. I am going to share some background information to help you understand my situation a little better. This is the revised version and is not an all-inclusive list. It would take several pages to list the majority of symptoms that I have on a regular basis.

I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am not talking about just being tired from lack of sleep. I am talking about complete exhaustion. The kind that makes every muscle in your body hurt and refuse to move. I can sleep for 15 hours and wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. Every day is a struggle just to get out of bed and get dressed.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia is 2007. It started as just an ache in my hip area. Over time it has spread and encompasses my entire body. My joints hurt, my muscles ache, and my skin feels like it is bruised all over. When the Doctor told me what he believed was wrong with me, I didn’t believe him. I thought that was just a disease they made up when they couldn’t figure out what was really wrong. I wanted concrete evidence. I wanted to see the problem on an x-ray, scan, labs, or some other diagnostic test. I told him exactly that, too! His response was… Fibromyalgia is real. You may not see it on your test results, but, the pain is very real. I couldn’t argue with that.

I also have Raynaud’s Syndrome. If effects my circulation and causes numbness, the feeling of pins and needles, and the sensation of being stung by bees. It can be painful and sometimes makes it difficult to walk or use my hands.

Last year, I found out that I have P.O.T.S. (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). It is a rare disorder and is caused from the Autonomic Nervous System not working properly. It causes my heart rate to increase significantly when I am in an upright position. It affects my breathing and my ability to exercise. It can also cause fatigue, fainting, pain, and a host of other symptoms. Testing showed that my norepinephrine levels stay over three times the maximum normal limit when I am standing. That means that my body is staying in fight or flight mode. A few months ago, I found out I have Adrenal Fatigue. I am sure that all of this only worsens my pain and fatigue.

In addition, I have Celiac Disease. It is an Auto immune disorder caused from eating Gluten. So, I am on a gluten free diet. Even trace amounts of gluten can set off an autoimmune response. When my immune system is weak, I am susceptible to sickness and infections.

I also have Depression and Anxiety and sometimes have panic attacks. There are days that I am so depressed that all I do is cry. There are times that I don’t want to leave the house because I am afraid I will have a panic attack in front of people.

I have been to Doctors, Therapists, and Specialists. I have tried more medications and treatments than I can count. I have gained weight and suffered many side effects from medications. I have also seen Homeopathic Doctors and tried a multitude of Alternative treatment approaches. Unfortunately, I have not found anything that helps to substantially improve the quality of my life.

I wish I could accurately describe what I feel physically and emotionally. However, I just can’t seem to put it into words. The closest thing I can compare it to is having the flu. Your whole body aches, you feel sick to your stomach, your skin hurts, you can’t focus and all you think about it how bad you feel and how much you want to feel better. You are so tired, but you feel so bad that you can’t rest. It is much like that, except the flu is temporary and only lasts a few days. For people with chronic conditions, there is no end in sight. Every day begins another day of hardship. Some days are better than others. When a person with an ongoing condition really does get the flu on top of everything else, it can really take a toll on their mind, body, and spirit quickly!

I try to smile and be involved with my family and friends as much as I am able. I try not to complain to others or let them know how much I am struggling. I don’t want to bring other people down or sound ungrateful for the many wonderful gifts in my life.

My husband is my best friend, and he sees me at my worst. He has been supportive of all of my efforts to try to find answers and be well. I am thankful for him every day and don’t know how I would survive a moment without him. He takes care of me and brings so much joy to my life. He tries to understand what I am going through, but, it is difficult to really comprehend something that you can’t see or feel for yourself.

I have a few friends that I have opened up to. I want them to know that when I don’t spend as much time with them as they would like, that it isn’t because I don’t want to. It is because I only have a limited amount of energy in a given day. When I do anything at all, I often end up in bed for hours or days afterwards. Even just attending church on Sunday mornings lands me in bed until the following day. If I vacuum the house or clean a bathroom, my pain is intensified dramatically and I end up in so much pain that I can barely move for days afterwards. Timing is also important. I am not able to get up and moving very quickly. I have to take my medication and usually wait an hour or two before it starts to work and I am able to get out of bed. I try to do whatever is necessary around mid-morning. Billy usually comes home for lunch and after that I may spend several hours lying on my heating pad. Then, I try to get up and do a few things around the house before he gets home from work. He is amazing and does most of the cooking for us. He knows how hard even the simple things are for me. Even taking a shower has become a chore. I have a hard time standing for that long and often end up gasping for breath before I am even done. After my shower, I am pretty much done for the night and stay in bed.

I feel like most people expect more from me that I am able to give. They can’t see the battle going on inside of me. They don’t know that behind my smile is a fountain of tears that may flow at any moment. I feel like I am letting people down when I am not able to offer them the support that they think I should, or, when I can’t go places or do things with them as often as I would like to.

I don’t want to be this person. I don’t like having limitations. I don’t want people to judge me or think I am lazy. I don’t want to be a disappointment to others when I am not able to participate in activities. I hate the restrictions that these issues have put on my life. It makes me sad that it causes tension in my relationships. I wish that everyone could appreciate the efforts I make and would know that everything I do is out of love for them. I wish that the little things were enough, but, I know that when others don’t understand what I am going through, nothing I do will ever be enough. They will always expect more. They don’t know that I just don’t have anything else to give sometimes.

It is hard to keep a good attitude when I don’t feel well. Sometimes, I feel like giving up. However, I know that life is too precious to ever give up hope of enjoying it to the fullest. Jesus tells us in the Bible that He came so that we may have an abundant life. I am trying to learn to be content in my situation. I am only human. Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself. Then I remember that God has truly blessed me far more than I will ever deserve. The thought of His unconditional love and provision for me literally moves me to tears. No matter how dark the night is, He always brings the sun. No matter what I face in this life, it is only temporary. It will all be worth it someday.

I am not writing this so that somebody will feel sorry for me. I don’t want that. Other people have far greater challenges than I have ever faced. Many are dealing with crippling conditions and life threatening diseases. Some are taking excruciating treatments. Others are in and out of the hospital. Several friends have lost children and family members way too soon. Many are battling depression and have lost jobs and relationships because of their overwhelming circumstances. My issues are so minor compared to the battles that others are fighting. I just wanted to offer a tiny glimpse into what it is like to live with chronic pain and fatigue. It is my hope that people will open their minds and hearts and try to be a little more understanding and compassionate towards those who are hurting.

Everyone has a story. Every person you meet has a pain that you can’t see. You may not understand their struggle, but, please try not to judge something you don’t know anything about. The greatest gift you can give someone is your love. Love and support them even when it isn’t easy. Try not to take it personally if they aren’t able to keep up with your activities. Chances are, they would love to be there for every child’s dance recital, community function, or girl’s night out. However, in the real world, it just isn’t always possible.

Today is a new day. For some, this day is full of joy. For others, it may be full of pain. Be a blessing to someone. Be a light that leads them out of the darkness. You may not be able to walk a day in someone else’s shoes, but, you can walk right beside them in yours. Sometimes, the best way to help a friend is to just be there for them.

Ecclesiastes 4:10

If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.