I am willing

I have been dealing with multiple medical issues for years. I have literally tried every treatment option and medication available with no improvement. Some days, I handle it really well. Other times, I go into meltdown mode. I get overwhelmed from pain and being so exhausted all the time. I get frustrated that I cannot do the things I want to do. Sometimes I cry because I feel like my situation is hopeless. Sometimes, I scream "Why Me"?

That's just how I am some times. I can be emotional, irrational, and selfish. I can't see the big picture and I don't understand all the reasons why God allows things to happen the way He does.  Yet, even in the struggles, I know that I am blessed beyond words. I know that I don't deserve the grace that God has given me and I am amazed at his unconditional love for me!

I can't always see His plan for my life. It makes me wonder if my vision is often clouded because I am not seeking His will.

Last week, I decided to try a juice fast. My thought was that I would do the fast, rid my body of toxins, and ultimately allow my body to heal itself. Oh, and lose weight and look great in the process! I didn't have a specific time frame set, but, I hoped to do the fast for about a month. Four days of nothing but juice and water will wear you down. I longed to chew the fruit and vegetables I was juicing. I finally decided that is exactly what I would do. I think fasting is a great way to cleanse your body and allow it a much needed period of rest. There are lots of health benefits in juicing, and I plan to incorporate into my diet from now on.

However, last Friday, it occurred to me that I can't do anything to heal myself of these problems anymore than I could do anything to save myself from the horrible sins that I was a slave to until Christ came into my heart and rescued me. I need God himself to heal me. Taking care of myself and making healthy choices are important, but, true healing comes from Him. I need His touch physically and emotionally.

On Sunday, we studied about the man that had Leprosy. There is no doubt that he had ugly open sores all over his body. I am sure he was feared by society and had been ordered to stay away so that his condition would not spread to others. There is no telling how long he may have gone without feeling the warmth of a touch from another person. Can you imagine not being able to share a hug with someone you love? You couldn't even sit next to someone! It had to be an empty and lonely life. Yet, this man believed that Jesus could heal Him. He had so much faith that he went up to Jesus and bowed before Him. He knew he wasn't supposed to be that close to another person, but, He also knew that Jesus was no ordinary man! Here is the story of that life changing encounter:

^{Luke 5:12-13}

¹² In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. “Lord,” he said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.”

¹³ Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared.

It says instantly the leprosy disappeared. Years, maybe even a lifetime of misery gone in an instant. Wow!! That is my God!!

I thought about the man saying to Jesus, "If you are willing." I am pretty good about praying that God would do something if it is His will to do so. I also have some experience in finding that my will and His don't always line up. Those are hard lessons. Anyway, Jesus reached out and touched him. Yes, He touched an unclean infected man. Then he said, "I am willing." Just like that he healed him. What an amazing story!

The best part, is that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. That means that the same Jesus that willingly reached out and healed that man, is the same Jesus that can reach out and touch my life!

There are some things that can only be accomplished through prayer and fasting. So, I decided to take some time to just focus specifically on asking God to heal me if He is willing. I also shared with Him that more than anything, I want to know Him more. I want a closer and more personal relationship with Him. I desire a deeper understanding of His Word and His plan for my life. I don't know if He is willing to heal my body, but I know that He wants a deeper connection with me. I know that He is willing to do that... and I am willing to follow Him wherever He leads.

I have several more things on my heart that I would like to share, but, it looks like severe weather is headed our way so I will have to cut it short. If He is willing, I will post again another time.