Looking for Love in all the wrong places

This season in life hasn’t been easy. I can’t really explain why it has been so difficult. I have struggled emotionally, with chronic health issues, in my marriage, and also in other relationships. I know that I’ve been given more than I will ever deserve. I am so grateful for all of my blessings. However, life this side of Heaven is hard. 

I want to honor God in all things, but,  I’m human and don’t always do that as well as should. I fail Him daily. I question His plan. I make mistakes. I get upset when He doesn’t do things the way I want Him to. I don’t love others the way He commands. I allow my feelings about situations to become more important than the people I care about. Sometimes, I’m just plain selfish. I put my desire to be heard, valued, and validated above showing unconditional love and forgiveness. Far too often my thoughts, words, and actions don’t accurately reflect my beliefs and values. I deeply regret the times that my life does not glorify God. 

I think somewhere inside of us, we all want life to be fair. When we are hurt, we long for comfort. When someone inflicts harm, we want justice. When we are vulnerable and share our fears and challenges with people, we expect those things to be kept confidential. When we doubt, we desperately crave reassurance and encouragement. When we sacrifice for others, we hope that they will appreciate our efforts and return the favor in our time of need. When we love someone completely, we want to feel it’s reciprocated.

I’ve been told several times that my spiritual gift is encouragement. Over the years, I’ve tried to be there to lift people up when they are down. I haven’t done that as much as I wanted in recent years because I’ve allowed the challenges of life to get in the way. But, I enjoy helping others. I don’t mind walking with them through the hard stuff. I’ve been blessed to be able to help meet practical needs as well. I truly love being able to give to others. It makes my heart happy. I’ve never done it for recognition or to get anything in return. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable if someone makes a big deal out of something I’ve done. All of the glory should go to God, because even at my best, I’m deeply flawed. If there’s anything good in me, it’s all Him. He is the source of every gift I have to share. 

While I love to be the giver, I’m not so great at accepting things from others. I try to remember that in refusing a gift, I take away that persons blessing. I don’t want to do that, but I always feel that there’s someone who needs help more than I do. I think that may stem from a little hidden pride that needs to be cut out of my life. God is working on chiseling that away. I want to be independent and in control. I want to take care of myself. It’s kind of funny to think I am able to control anything. I know that’s only an illusion. The only thing I can control is my own response to whatever happens. I rarely ask anyone for anything. I don’t want to be needy or a burden. My multiple health issues wear me out and keep me from most social activities, but when I do go out in public, I usually just put on a smile and fake normal. When someone asks how I’m doing, I tell them I’m fine. 

These last few months have been awful for me. My depression has been worse than it’s been in over 20 years. I’ve had some really dark thoughts. If you can imagine it, it’s probably crossed my mind. I’ll admit that I’ve been withdrawn and distant. It seems that when depression kicks in and I need people most, I  tend to isolate myself. That’s all on me and nobody else is to blame. It’s hard to function with overwhelming pain, total exhaustion, and wave after wave of negative emotions. It isn’t a good excuse, but that’s just how it is. I don’t want to be around people when I get that way. I know they won’t understand and I don’t want to bring anybody else down. I don’t want people to think I’m whining or just trying to get attention. Sadly, that seems to be a standard reaction to episodes of depression. When my emotions are running wild, it creates huge anxiety issues and a short fuse. It’s not pretty and I’m not proud of it. I just feel like it’s better for everyone if I’m not around and nobody has to deal with me. 

During these last few months when someone asked me how I was doing, I was honest and told them that I was not doing well at all. I explained that I was in a really dark and lonely place. Moments of total transparency and vulnerability regarding my struggle with depression are rare. It’s not something that I openly discuss and I usually try to work through my issues on my own. This time, the cycle of sadness has lasted much longer than usual and I did admit to some people that I was having a hard time. There were a few who had words of encouragement and assured me they would pray for me. They were a lifeline and meant more to me than words could ever express. For the most part, the response I got was... well, nothing... crickets. It hurt, and only added to the negative thoughts in my mind. I started to question my purpose and my value as a human being. I felt like I didn’t matter and that I could just disappear and nobody would even realize I was gone.

I thought about all of the times I’d dropped everything for someone else, the times I’d made myself extremely uncomfortable to make someone else happy, the times I’d stood by people even when I didn’t agree with them, the sacrifices I’d made, how I tried to be honest even when it wasn’t popular, the times I’d forgiven hurtful words and actions that still haunt me, all of the love I had  given to people who would never be able to love me back in the way I needed. At first, I got angry. Then, I realized that my anger was easier for me to deal with than the pain of feeling unloved or forgotten. I was using anger as a tool of self preservation. The truth is, I was grieving the realization that my relationships were not as strong or fulfilling as I thought they were. I felt broken and completely alone.

Most people want to feel loved, needed, appreciated, and included. When you feel like people are excluding you on purpose, talking behind your back, don’t care about you, or are just not considering how their words and actions might impact you, it’s heartbreaking. That’s how I’ve felt lately. 

I know that I’m not for everybody. I over analyze and think deeply about things. I have strong opinions and probably share them more than I should. I can be pretty intense. I know I’m not always easy. Lately, it seems that people don’t like those things about me and don’t think having me in their life is worth the effort. Some days I’m ok with that, but in the midst of fighting the battles in my mind, it isn’t ok. It hurts and it’s unfair. That’s just the way life is sometimes, but I wasn’t created to live this way. I don’t have to feel defeated. I was made to live victoriously!

God is constantly reminding me that many times my feelings lie. My perception of things does not make it truth. My desire to be loved a certain way is a normal human response. It’s also selfish. I am supposed to love completely even if it’s not returned. I’ve certainly been unloveable, yet God chose to love me anyway. 

He continues to remind me that my value is not determined by what others think, or even what I think. 

I matter because I’m His. I’m worthy because He says I am. My life has purpose because He chose me to live here and now for a reason. I don’t have to understand everything. I’m not able to see His plan from start to finish. I just have to trust that it’s a good plan, even when it’s not easy.  

He gave me a moment of clarity during the storm and showed me that I had been looking for acceptance, purpose, peace, and love in all the wrong places.

Sometimes people are mean and they hurt others on purpose. I’m learning that there are people who enjoy drama. The people who should want to promote peace are sometimes the ones fanning the flames of conflict. Many people may not have malicious intentions, but cause pain without meaning to. They may be indifferent or distracted by their own problems. I have been hurt by those people, and I hate to admit it, but at times, I have also been those people. I think that mostly, everyone is just busy. It’s not personal. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. Life is complicated and we all have so many responsibilities and obligations that pull us in different directions. 

Not everyone responds to situations or feels things the same way I do. Most people don’t even understand what it’s like to have a chronic illness, especially one that they can’t see. It’s hard to understand something that isn’t obvious and visible if you’ve never experienced it. The crazy range of irrational emotions that come with depression don’t make sense to people. They aren’t even logical to me and I have lived with them my entire life! Friends and family probably don’t know what to say when someone shares that they are struggling, so they just avoid the subject. I’ve had that happen to me lots of times. It made me sad because I felt like my whole world was crumbling around me and nobody cared. Just because that’s how I felt in those moments of weakness, doesn’t mean it was true. 

I haven’t always been the best person I could be. I have failed many times as a friend, wife, mother, daughter, and in every other role I’ve been given. I know that I’ve let people I care deeply about down repeatedly. I didn’t do it on purpose, but it still happened. It’ll likely happen again. Why? Because I’m not perfect. None of us are. Nobody on Earth can meet my needs and expectations all the time. That would be impossible! So, why do I continue to allow myself to be hurt by unmet expectations? Why am I looking for help from people instead of the all knowing and unchanging God that created me?

It’s always shocking to me when I learn that I am not as spiritually mature as I thought I was. When I’m hurt or angry, it doesn’t take long before the old me surfaces. My selfish nature shows it’s ugly face and throws one heck of a fit from time to time. It’s a humbling experience to be reminded of what a mess I was before Christ, and how quickly I can still fall when I take my focus off of Him. 

There’s a lesson in every hardship that God allows. We all have different weaknesses. God knows where we need the most work and allows whatever it takes to mold us and shape us. Sometimes, we are slow learners. The refining process hurts, but the end result is worth the pain. 

I have never wanted to be the center of attention. I’m a behind the scenes person. I don’t need to be popular. However, I do crave a deep connection with the people I’m closest to. I want to be a priority to them. Feeling distant and disconnected from those I have a close bond with is extremely difficult for me. Without their support, I start to feel disoriented and a little lost. 

Over the last few months, in my lowest moments, I felt hopeless and wanted to give up. I felt misunderstood and insignificant. I felt neglected, abandoned, and absolutely alone. My heart cried out for peace and comfort. I pleaded for someone to walk with me in the darkness. I was desperate for someone to light my path and calm my fears. I had been that person for others many times. Where was that person for me? Who would rescue me from the depths of depression? Did anyone care enough to break the tormenting silence with a word of hope or encouragement. I felt like I was slowly disappearing and nobody even noticed. At some point, I bet everyone feels something similar. 

It was in the solitude and stillness that God reminded me that no matter what I feel, I am never alone because I have Him. He knows me intimately. He sees the parts of me that I keep hidden. Nothing about me goes unnoticed by Him. People may walk away from me, or we may grow apart. They may die and leave a hole in my life until we are reunited in Heaven. I may be judged unfairly or denied forgiveness when I mess up. People may slander me, or believe lies about me. They may let me down unintentionally, or might be so wrapped up in their own lives that they may not consider me at all. People I care about may cut me out of their life without even giving an explanation. They may not think that I’m worthy of a second thought. But, there is someone who thinks I’m precious and loves me like nobody else can. There is only one who will never leave me. Only one who always has my best interest in mind. Just one who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. He understands all of the complex thoughts in my head and can unravel them until only the raw truths of my heart are exposed. He can tear down the walls I’ve built and reveal that the only real security I have is in Him.  He is the living God and will never die. He’s got my back. His love for me is infinite. He is the very definition of love. When I try to find true love in anyone or anything outside of Him, my search is pointless. If I’m not looking to Him, I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. 

I’m thankful for this recent lonely journey. If I hadn’t been so desperate, I might have forgotten my deep need to feel the love of God surround me. If I hadn’t isolated myself and felt alone, I may not have been reminded of His constant presence. We truly can’t appreciate the way God loves us and how much we need Him until we know what it feels like to unsuccessfully attempt to satisfy our hearts and souls with our human relationships. 

I know that God is the only one that can satisfy my longings. Yet, when I’m overwhelmed I often forget. It seems that this is a lesson I have to keep learning time after time. Knowing the truth and feeling it inside aren’t the same thing. But, the truth doesn’t change no matter how I feel. Thankfully, each time God patiently reminds me that He’s all I need and I learn a little bit quicker. My hope is that someday soon, I won’t need to be reminded. The moment I start to feel lost, I will immediately run to Him and stop looking everywhere else for comfort. 

Today is a new day and I’m going to be thankful for it and keep my focus on the God of all creation who loves me like nobody else can❤️

If you are feeling lost and enduring a season of hardship, I hope you will look to God and be filled with the peace that only He can give. May you be wrapped in the fullness of His love and know that you are never ever alone!

Life on the dark side: Behind the mask of chronic illness

I used to be fun. At least I think I did. I know I was more fun than I am now. I enjoyed life, was active, and social. I had plenty of energy. I was the type of person that got things done. I was always up for a challenge. I craved excitement. I didn’t require much sleep, and was always ready to get out and explore the world. I loved having people around. Almost every weekend was filled with a whirlwind of activity. I vaguely remember that person. I know deep down she’s still there, but it seems like she existed in another life, or that maybe it was all just a dream.

These days, things are much different. Most of the time, I hardly recognize the person I have become. I have allowed the dark side of life with chronic illnesses to alter my personality and negatively impact how I view and approach life. I’m still the same person on the inside. I still have the desire for adventure and excitement. Unfortunately, that is not often reflected in my daily life.

Maybe that’s why living with constant debilitating invisible illnesses is so hard. I know that I look healthy and normal on the outside. The world has no idea how much physical and emotional effort goes into looking like nothing is wrong. They don’t know that taking a shower drains every ounce of energy I have and usually requires me to lay down for extended periods of time to recover. They can’t see the pain that I feel in every muscle and joint in my body. They don’t see that my skin feels bruised all over. Those that have never experienced it couldn't possibly understand the overwhelming exhaustion that never goes away no matter how much sleep I get. They can’t feel the constant companions of dizziness, nausea, and shortness of breath. They don’t see the anxious underlying panic that I try so hard to hide. A person who has never had emotional problems can’t comprehend the weight of depression and the irrational fear, insecurity, and neediness that go along with it.

At times, my mind tries to convince me that my situation is hopeless and that I’m worthless. I can usually hide my silent tears and struggles. I can mask my pain with a smile. I can fake normal for short periods of time. I have mastered the art of disguise. However, it requires a huge amount of energy to go out in public or spend time with family and friends. Energy is something that I don’t have enough of. I certainly don’t have any to spare. I have to choose how I spend it carefully. I can only pretend to be ok for short periods of time, and it is beyond exhausting. 

I want so desperately to feel better. I have searched for miracle cures and relief for years. I’ve spent a small fortune on medical expenses and tried my share of crazy alternative treatments. I’ve endured the fun side effects that go along with pharmaceutical drugs. I’ve been poked, prodded, scanned, scoped, and tested more times than I can count. I have gained weight from drugs and inactivity which only makes my pain and fatigue worse, adds to my depression, and lands a pretty harsh blow to my self confidence. 

I’ve prayed that God would restore my health and heal my mind and body. I know He can do that, but so far He has chosen not to. I know there’s a purpose and that He’s refining me and giving me opportunities to grow spiritually. I know that others deal with hardship and illnesses that are much worse than mine. I know that I am blessed and have so much to be thankful for. I KNOW ALL OF THAT, but to be honest, there are moments that I can’t force what I know to be true in my head make the connection with what I feel in my heart. Some days, I’m just not ok. I think everyone has those kind of days every once in a while. 

There are times when I just want to be able to do normal things and spend time with people I care about. I want to make plans to do things with others. I don’t want to make another excuse as to why I can’t. I wish I could be spontaneous and carefree instead of strategically planning my day according to my medication schedule. Even when I take every natural remedy and prescription in my arsenal, I am still lucky to function well enough to do any activity more than a few hours a day. Even then, having to do things several days in a row wreaks havoc on my body. I am tired of having to choose between going to an appointment today and getting out of bed and getting dressed for the next few days. 

I used to go church or the grocery store without giving it a second thought. It was just a tiny part of my day. Heck, I used to get groceries, clean the house, do laundry, and even walk several miles before going to work all day! Now, some of those activities are impossible, and the others deplete my energy reserve. Then, my body requires days of rest in order to recover. When I try to do too much, I get worn out fast. That makes me frustrated, angry, and irritable. Nobody wants to be around someone who is moody, short tempered, and negative all the time. When I get like that, I don’t even want to be around myself! That’s a pretty rough place to be!

When I’m at my lowest, I need reassurance and comforting more than ever. Ironically, it’s during those times that I withdraw, push people away, or cause them to distance themselves from me because they don’t want to deal with my rollercoaster of emotions. That only makes the situation worse and leaves me feeling alone and broken. 

I want to be able to better serve my church and community. My heart longs to join others on mission fields throughout the world. However, I’m learning to accept my limitations and admit that it’s not always possible to do the things I want to do. Serving the Lord doesn't look like I think it should, but I'm trying to be content in my circumstances and focus on what I can do. Most of the time I am able to count my blessings and not focus on the bad stuff. But sometimes, keeping a positive outlook is harder than it seems.

It makes me sad that I don’t spend enough time with people I love. It breaks my heart that I didn’t go to the beach with my friend, Wendy, before she passed away. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to pretend to be ok for that many consecutive days and that she wouldn’t understand. I didn’t want to show her my weaknesses. Now, it’s too late. No matter how much I regret the opportunities I missed, I can’t get that time back. I hate that I’m not able to keep up with my Grandchildren, or even pick them up and hold them without having muscle spasms for days. It upsets me that I can’t ride in a vehicle for more than a few hours without hurting so bad that I have to fight back tears. It frustrates me that I’m not able to paddle a boat on the lake on a warm sunny day. It’s ridiculous that it takes me days to prepare a meal for my family because it’s too difficult to do it all at once. I am embarrassed about all of the things that I’m not able to do. I know that some people probably think I’m just lazy and should suck it up and move on. I may have felt that way before my body turned against me.

I used to enjoy talking on the phone and catching up with friends. These days, texting is my primary method of communication. You don’t realize how much focus it takes to engage in conversation until your mind and body are overwhelmed and leave you in a state of constant distraction. It’s much easier to hide the painful truth with cute emoji’s. 

I used to love to read, and often read a book a day. Now, I can’t focus well enough to comprehend a paragraph without rereading it several times. It hurts my hands, arms, and wrists to hold a book. I won’t even go into the discomfort of trying to sit long enough to read a chapter. When you don’t feel well, it’s hard to do the things you once looked forward to. Sometimes, it feels as though my life is being stolen one small piece at a time. 

I never thought about how much of our social life revolves around food until I found out that I have Celiac disease. Gluten is everywhere. Even when foods don’t contain wheat, barley, or rye, they may have trace amounts of gluten. Even a tiny bit may cause an autoimmune response that can have serious consequences. For someone with Celiac, gluten causes the body to essentially attack itself. It weakens the immune system and makes the body vulnerable to multiple complications that could eventually lead to devastating illnesses like Cancer, or even death. I don’t like to call attention to myself or my health problems. In an effort to keep folks from thinking I’m crazy, dramatic, or obsessive about not eating gluten, I handle the situation in a healthy grown up way. Yep, I just avoid eating out and social gatherings altogether. 

I know this sounds awful, but sometimes I’m jealous of those who are able to effortlessly do the things I still want to do. I want to be the fun wife that my husband married. I want to be the energetic Mom and Grandmother that my children and grandchildren want to spend time with. I want to be the friend that is always up for a day of shopping, or a last minute girls trip.I want to be the person that is always there to help someone in need. I want to encourage and inspire others. I want to be independent, confident, and strong. I want to be able to think with a clear head, instead of one that is clouded by pain and fatigue. I want my life back. I want to be able control what is going on inside of me. But, I can’t always get what I want. 

I’m not looking for sympathy. That’s not why I’m sharing this. I guess I just wanted to raise awareness about a few small ways that chronic conditions change lives.

People long for love and acceptance. We crave connection with others, but we exile ourselves out of self preservation. Eventually, our circle of support dwindles to only a faithful few. We don’t allow people to truly see who we are because we fear rejection. Instead, we use our energy to create the illusion of normalcy. Being real, and living a transparent life is difficult. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable puts us at a greater risk of being hurt by the people we need and trust the most.

For those who fight your own invisible battles every day, you are not alone. I see the tears that haven’t fallen yet. I recognize the pain behind that smile. I hear the desperation you haven’t put into words. I know that separating yourself from others is often necessary, and always lonely.

For those who love someone who is struggling to accept their new normal, remember that the one you care for is still in there, even when it seems that every trace of them is gone. Try to understand things from their perspective. Be patient and willing to listen without judgment. Support them when they get overwhelmed and emotional. I know that is easier said than done, but your compassion may be their only lifeline when they feel like they are drowning is despair. Forgive them when you feel like they’ve let you down. Love them even when they try to push you away. Don’t give up on them. They likely need you more than you will ever realize. 

Sometimes, giving your feelings a voice brings healing. It’s ok to be honest about your struggles. We all have them. Life isn’t easy for anybody. The path to wellness looks different for each of us. The one thing we all need, is to feel loved in spite of the challenges we face. We are stronger together than we are apart. 

If you notice that the spark in someone’s eye is growing dimmer by the day, be the beam of light that helps guide them out of the darkness. 

Chronic Illnesses often create a sense of isolation and loneliness. However, feeling alone is not the same as being alone. We are never truly by ourselves when we give our lives to the God who created us. He tells us that He will never leave us. I’m so thankful for that. I’m also grateful for the people He sends to walk with me, encourage me, and be a light when my world is dark. 

Never lose hope. Storms don’t last forever, and the sun overtakes the darkest night when morning comes. There are brighter days ahead. 

If you are struggling, look for the light.
When you are able, BE the light!

Life, Love, & Quality Time

If you’ve read my previous posts, you know we have had a crazy year. My husband, Bill, never had any health problems. Since early 2017, it seems like he has dealt with one issue after another. He is self employed as an auto mechanic. He owns his own business, but hasn’t been able to work for about a year.

Several people have asked about his health, recent tests, and pathology reports. So, I thought I’d give you an update.

He is still dealing with ongoing chronic health issues including back and nerve pain, heat intolerance, and fatigue. He has been discouraged about not being able to work, but is hoping that things improve so that he will be able to try to open the shop, at least part time, when the temperature is cooler.

Some of his labs indicate a possible problem with his parathyroid and still show abnormal liver function. Neither of those things are bad enough that they require any immediate interventions. They will just continue watch his levels. 

He had several scope procedures this month. They removed a precancerous polyp and another small neuroendocrine tumor. The biopsy samples they took showed some other cellular changes/precancerous areas. The pathology report still indicates Crohn’s/Colitis and Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis. These conditions increase his risk of several different cancers and are likely the reason for the areas of concern that the tests continue to show. Unfortunately, there is no cure for the Crohn’s or Autoimmune Gastritis. There’s not really a treatment to help prevent future problems. The plan is to continue to monitor things, remove any new growths, and deal with whatever happens as it comes. 

The good news is that precancerous does not mean Cancer. Our prayer is that it will never turn into that. We will do our best to be proactive, but know that none of this is within our control. There’s nothing like the mention of the word cancer to make you realize just how powerless you are and how fragile life is. 

We may believe we are the master of our own destiny, but that is just an illusion. There are very few things in life that we truly have control over. We may not be in charge of everything that happens, but we are responsible for how we respond. Our response to the challenges and uncertainties of life is to put our faith in God. After all, He is the one who made us. He cares about every detail, knows the number of hairs on our heads, and knew us before we were even born. There is no one better to trust than the One who gave us breath and spoke all of creation into existence! He knows what our future holds, and already has a plan to get us through it. 

God has been so good to us. He has provided, given us wisdom, strength, and peace. We are especially thankful for the people He brought into our life that love us, pray for us, and walk with us through the valleys, as well as celebrating with us on the mountaintop. 

We have been blessed with another day. If you are reading this, so have you. The gift of more time with those you love is so precious. Our days are numbered. Don’t waste them doing a job that you hate or in the pursuit of more money or material possessions. At the end of this life, you can’t take those things with you. 

In my final days, I doubt that I will regret what I didn’t buy. I don’t think my social status will matter much. I will probably reflect on the time I wasted on selfish ambitions, anger, broken relationships, and the unwillingness to forgive. Maybe I’d wish for another chance, or just one more day. 

Today is my one more day. It’s yours too. Today is a chance to look around and thank God for the gifts in life. It’s an opportunity to be content no matter the circumstance. God has given us the miracle of more time. We get to choose how we spend it. I want to spend mine loving God and sharing His love with others. 

We can’t take any of our worldly possessions with us when our time here is over. However, I believe the relationships, spiritual connections, and love we share will never end. Love is eternal. Time spent on a life of love is never wasted! 

In the end, these things remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. The greatest of these is love❤️

He still moves mountains

 

 

Thank you Father for the gift of another day! His mercies are new EVERY morning!

 

Billy had the Gallium 68 scan yesterday morning to see if there were anymore Neuroendocrine Tumors. We had an appointment with Dr. Liu in the afternoon to discuss the results and the specifics of Billy's case.

 

We took our time getting to Denver. We wanted to enjoy the journey instead of just being focused on the destination. We camped on several beautiful lakes along the way. We visited gorgeous parks and enjoyed breathtaking scenery painted by God Himself. We drove around the area and reminisced about old times when we lived in Colorado. We were also able to see friends and family while we were in the area.

 

It has been a wonderful time of just enjoying each other, the beauty of creation, and reconnecting with people we love and haven't seen in far too long. The days have been long and we have both been exhausted. Being worn out was a blessing because I really hadn't thought much about the possibility of the scan actually showing other tumors. We just wanted it done for our peace of mind.

 

On the way to Dr. Liu's office yesterday afternoon, it hit me all at once that he could tell us something that I just didn't want to hear. That familiar fear took over in those moments. I just kept praying and God reminded me that He had provided for us every step of the way and that no matter the scan showed, He would continue to give us everything we need to deal with it. By the time we got there, I felt better. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the results, but I did have peace and faith in God to take care of us no matter what the tests showed. I was also comforted by knowing that so many people were praying for us.

 

The first thing Dr. Liu said when we walked into his office was that the scan was completely clear and showed no signs of NETs anywhere! Thank you God for your mercy and love!! There is no relief quite like hearing those words. It felt like we had just won the lottery. We did... the Life Lottery! Victory! Of course, no matter what happens here, we already have Victory through Jesus and will spend eternity with Him after the trials of this life are over. However, we are still so thankful to God for giving us more time to live, love, and serve Him together on Earth! We give ALL of the glory to God! There is no mountain too high for Him to move!!

 

For those who want details about what we learned, I will try to summarize it. Dr. Liu said that his official diagnosis is Gastric Neuroendocrine Tumors secondary to Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis. It is basically what I thought and posted a few weeks ago after researching it and considering all of Billy's lab and test results. He has type 1 gastric carcinoids. They are the most benign and least aggressive type. ALL carcinoids (neuroendocrine tumors) have malignant potential and require follow up and monitoring. Dr. Liu said that because of Billy being diagnosed with the Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis, has low stomach acid, and high gastrin levels, it makes conditions favorable for NETs to grow in his stomach. However, he said that when they are type 1 and caused from the autoimmune issues they tend to be really small and very rarely spread or cause any issues at all. I looked online at the National Institute of Health's website and it said that in the case of carcinoids from Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis, the occurrence of metastasis is probably less than 5%. 

 

Dr. Liu said that he recommends that Billy continue to have an endoscopy every 6-12 months to locate and remove any polyps they find. He assured us that this type of carcinoid is highly unlikely to spread. He said usually in cases like this, IF they do spread, it is not very far and with the regular monitoring they can be removed and not be a problem. He also has a friend who is a Doctor at the VA in Nashville. He said he doesn't see patients in a clinic setting, but he is highly skilled in advanced endoscopic procedures and he is familiar with NETs. Dr. Liu called him and gave him our information. We are hoping that we will be able to schedule with him to do the ongoing endoscopies since Dr. Liu trusts him and feels he would be the best choice since he knows about NETs and would know what to look for and how to handle whatever he finds.

 

I asked what the chances were of Billy getting more NETs in another area. He said the type 1 caused from the Autoimmune Gastritis will only be in his stomach. He didn't think that it would be likely for them to show up somewhere else. IF he does have more in the future that are not in the stomach area or if he has other ones in his stomach that are large, we would probably need to go back to see Dr. Liu because the situation would be completely different.

 

The Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis is considered a precancerous condition and increases his risk of stomach cancer. So, the regular follow ups and endoscopy will be a great way to be proactive and watch for early signs of other cancers or stomach problems in the future.

 

We are SO grateful to everyone who has walked with us, encouraged us, and prayed us through this! Nobody knows what tomorrow may bring, but we can all celebrate the gift of today!

The Road to Denver

 



Good Morning from the Rockies! We have been slowly making our way towards Denver over the last week.

The picture above kind of reminds me of the road we have been on over the last few months. The path is winding and you can never quite see what is right around the corner. However, God has paved the way and provided so much to be thankful for throughout the journey.

The trip has been good so far. We found several gorgeous lakeside camping spots along the way. Two of them were free and one was only $15. You can't beat that! Here are a few of the views God has blessed us with so far.

 

We were able to visit our friend Kari, and her family. We hadn't seen each other in years! It feels like life changes and time passes so quickly. Before you even realize it, your whole story has taken a different direction. Whenever you have the opportunity, take time to slow down, live in the moment, and catch up with old friends.

We will be in Denver this afternoon. Billy is supposed to be at the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center at 6:30am in the morning. His scan is scheduled for 7am. His appointment with Dr. Liu will be at 3pm tomorrow afternoon.

We appreciate all of your continued prayers. Many of you have asked how you can specifically pray. Right now, we would appreciate prayers that the scan does not show other neuroendocrine tumors. We would also like to have a clear understanding of what we are dealing with, and a plan for monitoring and follow up. It would also be wonderful if the VA would reimburse us for the expense of the scan and seeing a specialist. However, if they don't that is ok too.

 Just being able to see Dr. Liu is a blessing and a huge answer to prayer!

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, but I will update when I am able and we have more information.

Heading West

Thank you all for the constant prayers as we have been navigating the crazy world of Neuroendocrine Cancer! All of our Prayers for guidance towards finding a Doctor that specializes in this have been answered!!! We will be heading towards Denver in the near future. We have an appointment scheduled with Dr. Liu. He has always been our first choice of the NETs specialists. We weren't sure if Billy would be able to see him, but it is such a relief to finally know that he can. The NETSPOT Gallium 68 PET Scan that is specifically for detecting neuroendocrine tumors is going to cost about $1000 more than we originally thought. However, it is still cheaper than any of the other places that I checked with. It will be worth it just for the peace of mind.

Dr. Liu's nurse, Pam, has been wonderful. She listened to my concerns and validated them. Then, she went out of her way to schedule an appointment for us. She said that they would do everything they could to help us try to get the VA to cover some of the charges, or reimburse us. She said they could write a letter of Medical Necessity that might help us.

Pam confirmed that it IS Cancer. She said that even if they removed the NET, and we are not convinced that they did, the probability of him having others in the future was really high. She said the best thing anyone can do is see a specialist immediately. Unfortunately, many of their patients do not get to them until the cancer is in advanced stages because so many doctors dismiss it as a harmless condition and do not monitor or treat the patients correctly.

We are so thankful that Billy's neuroendocrine tumor was found early. We are optimistic that with early detection and finally being able to see a Doctor who understands and specializes in Neuroendocrine Cancer he can beat this awful disease.

I will continue to update as we get more information. We appreciate all of your prayers more than you will ever know. God is listening and answering!! So thankful!

Carcinoid Causin Chronic Confusion!

 



 

So many of you have asked for updates on what is going on with Billy. Oh, how I wish I knew how to answer that! This whole situation has been beyond frustrating. Every time we think we will get answers, we are just left with more questions.

I am diagnosing myself as “Chronically Confused”

He went in on May 5^th to have what was left of the Carcinoid Neuroendocrine Tumor in his stomach removed. They also planned to take a better look at all areas and get more samples to biopsy. He had the procedure and everything went well. He is really sensitive to the anesthesia and they did not give him long enough to recover, so he almost passed out while we were still at the hospital. They checked him over in the ER and gave him some IV fluids and everything was fine. He recovered quickly and felt good by the next day.

The week following the procedure, his labs began to trickle in. All of the labs were ones that I specifically asked Dr. A to do because they are directly related to gastric carcinoids. He denied my request saying they would all be normal and were unnecessary. Thankfully, Dr. M called later and said they would agree to do a few of the test we requested. One test was his gastric ph. It was taken during his procedure. Normal gastric ph should be between 1.5-3.5. That allows for plenty of stomach acid to help digest food properly. Billy’s gastric ph level is 7. That means that his stomach acid is very low. Now, why in the world would that test be unnecessary? They have been telling him to take antacids for years even though he has told them that they don’t help and sometimes even make things worse. You would think that measuring gastric ph would be standard when people are complaining of symptoms related to it. For more information on the effects of low stomach acid, click the link below:

http://gastrodigestivesystem.com/stomach/low-stomach-acid

Next, we found out that his Gastrin levels were elevated. The normal range is from 0-100 pg/ml and his fasting gastrin was 646 after he had the procedure on the 5th. Even tiny Neuroendocrine Tumors can produce large amounts of gastrin, that is why this test is relevant in diagnosing carcinoid tumors. However, Gastrin can also be elevated in other conditions. Sometimes, when the stomach acid is too low, the body will produce more gastrin to try to stimulate production of more stomach acid. For more info on Gastrin, click below:

http://www.mayomedicallaboratories.com/test-catalog/Clinical+and+Interpretive/8512                

or

https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/gastrin/tab/test

Dr. A said he believed that Billy had Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis. Antiparietal Cell Antibodies were elevated confirming his suspicions. This type of gastritis is rare and is considered a precancerous condition because it significantly increases the risk of stomach cancers and may be responsible for the development of carcinoid tumors. For more details on that, here is a link with information:

https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/diseases/10310/1

On top of that, due to his history of Vitamin b12 and d3 deficiency in the past, along with all that he is currently dealing with, Dr. A said that he likely has Pernicious Anemia. It is a condition caused when the body does not make enough red blood cells because it isn’t able to properly absorb vitamin b12. I asked years ago what was causing his vitamin deficiencies, but none of his Doctors were ever concerned or able to tell us why. He has been taking supplements for years and they have been keeping his vitamin levels at the lower limit of the normal range. If you are interested in learning more about Pernicious Anemia, you can read about it here:

https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/prnanmia/

One of the best tumor markers for carcinoids is Chromogranin A (CgA). Not everyone with Carcinoid Cancer has elevated CgA, but it is still a good test for checking tumor load and recurrence. The normal range for CgA is 0-5 nmol/L. Billy’s level was high at 7. While his CgA is elevated, I don’t think it is extremely high or indicative of a metastatic cancer. That being said, we have not gotten any real explanations for his Doctors, so the only information I have is what I have researched myself. If you are interested in learning about Chromogranin A, click below:

https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/chromogranin/tab/test

Dr. A basically said all of the labs were acceptable and that they were not diagnostic of carcinoids. He said Billy has Pernicious Anemia with a lack of stomach acid, Crohn’s Disease, and Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis associated with the carcinoid that he still says is not Cancer. Although, two other resident doctors have called it Cancer.

Some of the problems he is having could be related to Helicobactor Pylori. I thought they normally checked for it while examining the biopsy samples, but there was nothing mentioned about it on either pathology report. I requested they do a blood test to screen for it last time we were there. We have not gotten the results of that test yet.

There is a bit of good news regarding his most recent labs from May 12^th. All of the liver tests that have been elevated the last few times were all in normal range! Yay! We are thankful for that.

Now that I have more information to work with from the recent testing, I feel comfortable that the Neuroendocrine Tumor they originally found was a Type 1 Gastric Carcinoid. That is the least aggressive type, so that makes both of us feel better.

Now, here is the part I find most disturbing. The original pathology report confirmed a neuroendocrine tumor diagnosed from a fragment tissue sample. Dr. M said the plan was to go in and remove the remainder of that NET on the 5^th. However, Dr. M was not there for Billy’s procedure on the 5^th. Dr. A and another resident supposedly removed the NET and even tattooed the location like I requested. However, the most recent pathology report does not show any evidence of a neuroendocrine tumor. I expected it to because they were supposed to be removing the rest of it. All it showed from the stomach was a Foveolar Hyperplasia. I read up on that and it is benign and probably caused by a reaction to the chronic inflammation. Although, several studies suggest that it could be linked to a higher risk of stomach Cancer. It was completely removed during the procedure because they must have thought it was the neuroendocrine tumor. I don’t understand why there was no evidence of the carcinoid if they only removed a fragment for biopsy last time, and Dr. M said the procedure needed to be done to remove the remaining part of the tumor. Dr. A says it is likely that it was all removed during the first procedure in March. I don’t agree with that. The pathology report said the Neuroendocrine Tumor they got was only a fragment and Dr. M said the rest needed to be removed.

I am afraid that they didn’t even remove the rest of it and removed another polyp instead!!!

The Pathology Report from May 5^th shows diagnosis of a foveolar hyperplasia in the stomach and the biopsy of the terminal Ileum shows chronic ileitis with severe activity and ulceration. Dr. A said it was difficult to get a good sample for biopsy in the terminal ileum area, so we still don’t know for sure if that area is free of carcinoids. There was no evidence of carcinoid from the sample they were able to get.

We had an appointment in the GI Clinic on May 12^th and met with the Nurse Practitioner. We were hoping to get some answers as to what all of this means and a plan for treatment and follow up. However, she would not give us any information at all! She told us that Billy had a lot going on and that it wasn't something they see every day and was complicated. She said that Dr. A was over the case and everything has to go through him. He knew we had an appointment that day, so I don’t know why he did not leave a written plan for follow up if he was not going to be there. We requested an appointment with Dr. M and hope to see him this Friday. He is the original Dr. who told us this was Cancer and he is also the one who spoke to Dr. A and helped us get a few of the tests that we requested done. I feel like he at least tries to listen to our concerns and address some of this as he is able to. I don’t know why he was not there for Billy’s last procedure. I hope he was not taken off the case since he and Dr. A disagree on if it is Cancer. All correspondence regarding Billy’s case has to go through Dr. A, so he may not even allow us to see Dr. M this week. I guess we will find out when we go.

I continue to send all of his records, labs, and reports to Dr. Liu in Colorado. They have not called us to schedule an appointment. I am still not even positive if we need to see a Specialist, but I am sure they will let me know once they have a chance to review all of his information.

I was able to schedule with Dr. Woltering in Louisiana. His nurse said we definitely need follow up with a carcinoid cancer specialist. However, they requested that we bring results of lots of testing that the VA refuses to do. She said Dr. Woltering would need all of that information to have a clear picture of how to proceed. I sent her all of the recent tests and am just waiting to hear back. I may need to cancel that appointment if we don’t have all of the information he requires. Dr. Liu, in Colorado is still our first choice and he is also quite a bit cheaper than others, especially if we end up doing the gallium 68 scan.

SO, now you are up to date with everything we have learned so far. We still have lots of concerns, unanswered questions, and no treatment or follow up plan. He has several new and serious diagnosis to deal with… AND we are concerned that the rest of the neuroendocrine tumor is still in there since it is evident that what they removed was not it.

We have NO idea what the future looks like or how any of this is going to turn out… but, we are putting all of our Faith in God… because He can see the whole picture and will lead us where we need to go.

I can’t even put into words how blessed we have been by all of your prayers, messages, calls, and cards! We are so thankful for every single act of kindness that has been shown to us during this time.

 

 

 



Navigating the NET

I have spent many hours researching Carcinoid Cancer and Neuroendocrine Tumors. I am pretty sure I have put more effort and time into this in the last several weeks than I ever did studying to get my four year degree. In case you weren't aware, this is the Cancer that Steve Jobs (Apple) died of. It has been reported that he had pancreatic cancer. He actually had neuroendocrine tumors in his pancreas. I have learned that many times doctors do not accurately diagnose the type of cancer. Some may call it liver cancer, when in fact it is NETs in the liver. The best way to confirm if a tumor is a NET is with a biopsy.

I was telling a friend today that I think this is the only time in my life that I am thankful for my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I know we all joke about OCD, but mine is a real diagnosed disorder. I have had OCD tendencies since I was about 5 years old. At one point, I washed my hands so often that my Mom was afraid I was going to make the skin raw! As an adult, it has been an annoyance to my family. I tend to over think and analyze everything. I have been known to recite my grocery list out loud many times. Over the years, I have gotten better about controlling some of these issues. Some things, I have had to learn to live with due to my chronic health conditions that don't allow me to have things exactly the way I want them. There was a time when I couldn't sit down if there was even one dish in the sink. Don't even get me started about someone rearranging the pillows on the couch! My point is, my issues drive me crazy. Even though I have learned to keep some of my OCD behaviors from irritating everybody around me, my mind still obsesses. It never shuts off. Ever.

Psalm 139:14

 

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

 

I have always wondered why God made me so complex. There are days that I get on my own nerves! It is bad when you don't want to be around yourself! Unfortunately, wherever I go... there I am. How can that be marvelous?

 

I am learning that God has a purpose for things. I may not always understand it at the time, but His ways really are greater than mine.

 

He created me exactly the way I am for a purpose. Maybe there is a reason for my madness. Maybe there is a reason that I can't let things go until I am satisfied and have peace about the answer. It has certainly served me well in being diagnosed and finding treatments for my own chronic conditions, some of which are fairly rare and often take years to be correctly identified. Each person is uniquely created by God for specific purposes. Maybe it's time I just accept my quirks as part of God's perfect design and allow Him to work through it.

 

Billy's VA GI Surgeon called me today. To avoid confusion, I will call him Dr. A. He said "This whole Neuroendocrine Tumor thing is getting blown way out of proportion." He told me that it was not Cancer (although the resident doctor originally told us it was) and that I was overreacting. I explained that I had spoken with several offices that specialized in Neuroendocrine Tumors and was told that it was considered Carcinoid Cancer and would require aggressive testing and monitoring even after it was removed because they often reoccur anywhere in the body. He said it was not going to come back and it was not Cancer. He refused to do any of the standard gastric carcinoid labs and scans that one of the specialist required. He said they were unnecessary and he would not order them or refer us to a NETs expert outside the VA. He wouldn't even refer us to an oncologist at the VA! He told me that he was an expert in Gastrointestinal Diseases and that this little tiny thing was insignificant and all of the things I was concerned about were not relevant and the further testing was unnecessary. He said Billy has Crohn's Disease and that was what we needed to focus on. I told him that I had corresponded with several people who had a NET like this one who were told that it was nothing to worry about and about 5 years later had Cancer in their liver and multiple other areas. I shared storied of how one lady was told she had Crohn's Disease for 5 years until tumors showed up everywhere and she died a few years later. He was not interested in anything I had to say. I asked him why multiple offices that specialize specifically in treating NETs would tell me that this is Cancer if he was so certain it isn't. He said "I guess they just want the business and are being cautious." My first thought was that I prefer cautious to careless. Since he will be the one removing the NET on May 5th, I feel like it is best to hold off on filing any additional requests with the VA that might irritate him further. I want him to have steady hands and complete focus when he removes it and have no desire to try to reason with him any longer. I know he already thinks I am crazy and I am sure he will be talking about me for the rest of the day or longer. That is fine. I can handle that. What I can't handle, is not feeling like we have done everything possible to make sure that IF he needs treatment, he gets it.

 

This is my husband's life. I want so badly to just believe Dr. A and forget this nightmare ever happened. That is what several others I talked to did, and now their Cancer is in advanced stages. The family and friends of those that have passed away are dedicating their life to raising awareness and sharing their stories so that others might seek answers from qualified experts and be able to live longer and better lives. I am sharing our journey, not just to keep everyone informed and ask for prayers, but because there may be somebody else out there who is just as overwhelmed as we are.

 

I have no doubt that God will work all of this out somehow. He never seems to show up early and let me know about His plan in advance, but He is always right on time.

 

 



 

As I was typing this, the phone rang. Guess who? The original resident Doctor that told us this was Cancer. I will call him Dr. M. I asked him again, do you consider this Cancer or not? He danced around the question and spent about 5 minutes telling me how what we called it was not as important as how it behaved and what we were going to do about it. I reminded him that he told us his opinion to begin with and it was obvious that he and the other doctor did not agree about what to call it. He said that Doctors sometimes had differing opinions about things but that he trusted the 25 years of GI experience the surgeon has. That being said, he agreed to do a few of the extra tests that we asked about. That is an answered prayer. They will be doing a couple of the labs we wanted as well as taking a better look at the area they believe to be Crohn's. There is a possibility that there could be small Carcinoids in that area giving the appearance of Crohn's Disease. Dr. M said that they would also take more samples to biopsy and look more thoroughly and specifically for carcinoids during the procedure. Dr. M obviously believes this is Cancer, but is not willing to go on record and contradict Dr. A. He did not deny that he said it to begin with. His main concern is that the tumor is completely removed on May 5th. He agreed that regular follow up was important. He said he would check on the Gallium 68 scan, but did not think that the VA had it available. He said due to the size of the tumor, the location, and the slow growth rate, he did not think that the gallium would show any metastasis at this point.

After researching all of this, I believe that he is probably right. However, I still believe in being cautious and don't want this dismissed as nothing when it could be life threatening if more tumors show up later. I have talked to too many people with nightmare stories about this Cancer because they listened to their Doctor when he or she told them it had been removed and was nothing to worry about.  

I don't care if the VA Doctors agree on what to call a Neuroendocrine Tumor. NETs specialists clearly believe that all of these carcinoids/NETs have potential to be highly malignant. They are hard to diagnose because they are often really small and not easily seen. They don't generally cause symptoms until the cancer is in advanced stages. To complicate matters more, some malignant NETs may look benign under a microscope. In the past, the tiny ones like what Billy has, were considered insignificant. In recent years, they have learned that even though these cancers are slow growing, it is important to carefully treat and monitor every NET patient. This is true even when the NET is localized and completely removed with surgery. Many times they recur years down the road. If the doctors are not actively looking for them (and sometimes when they are), they may miss them until the tumors grow larger or there are many smaller ones that can be detected through regular imaging.

Carcinoid Cancer and Neuroendocrine Tumors are extremely complicated. It appears that no case is ever the same. One of the nurses I spoke with said they call them "neuro" because they are smart and "endocrine" because they come from endocrine cells and can go throughout the body. I would imagine that the Doctors that have decided to specialize in this type of Cancer make my little OCD tendencies look silly. You would have to be extremely dedicated, detail oriented, and honestly very obsessive to ever wrap your mind around this stuff. I understand the basic concept, but this is WAY above my level of education or comprehension. The tumors can be slow growing and then without warning become highly aggressive. They can be localized and then spread to just about anywhere. They can be removed and may come back 6 months or 6 years later. Nobody knows how these cancers will behave. It depends on so many different things. Each patient is different. Each cancer is different. Each treatment and follow up plan must be customized.

The biggest mistake patients and doctors make in dealing with carcinoid cancer is underestimating the neuroendocrine tumor. Failing to recognize it's malignant potential, unpredictable behavior, and ability to go unnoticed for years can have deadly consequences. The lack of knowledge and understanding makes this cancer scary. It is also unnerving to know how often it is missed even with advanced scanning and tests.

There is a silver lining though. The good news is that like most cancers, if it is identified in the early stages and can be removed surgically, there is a chance that it won't return. If it does recur or spread to areas where surgery isn't possible, there are several effective treatment options. Each situation is different, and some people don't respond as well as others. However, there are quite a few cases of it being managed well for years, sometimes decades! Praise God for that! Because people are raising awareness and patients are learning to be their own advocate and seek the advice of experts, more patients are able to live longer and more active lives!

God has led us to the right information and doctors. He is opening doors and guiding our steps. He even opened the hearts of the VA Doctors. Dr. A completely refused any additional testing and made me feel like a complete idiot. Only a few hours later, Dr. M called and said he and Dr. A discussed it and they would like to take a second look and would be willing to do a few additional labs and biopsies. This is progress! Thank you, Lord!

Since the CT Scan was ok, I am beginning to feel more hopeful that this is a localized tumor. It will be removed on May 5th. If there are other small tumors that were not detected, then I am confident that they will be found and somehow God will make the appropriate treatments available if and when they are needed. We sent all of his records to specialists in Colorado and Louisiana. If Dr. Liu still agrees to see him after reviewing his entire medical file, we will make an appointment to go to Colorado. He treats much more serious and life threatening cases than what we are facing at this point. If Billy only has one and they remove it, he should not need any treatments. He will only need consistent follow up to catch any additional tumors that may arise in the future. If Dr. Liu is comfortable that it is not an active threat after it is removed, then he may just recommend a follow up plan that he or the VA can do. We will know more after they remove it on May 5th and we get the results from the pathology report from the biopsies they take then.

If you are interested in more in depth information on NETs, please click on this link for the Healing Net Foundation's website and download the NET Primer.

https://www.thehealingnet.org/healthcare-professional-resources

In the beginning of my quest for knowledge, many people asked me if my obsession with this was healthy. I understand why they may think that and I truly appreciate their concern. For many people, weeding through hundreds of hours of medical journals, research reports, and expert opinions may cause unneeded anxiety. I am weird. This process has actually helped me. Because of the way my mind works, I need to have every single detail I can get. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to know and understand what I am dealing with. After I have time to consider all of the information, I am able to make an educated and informed plan for the future. That comforts me and helps me to focus on dealing with solutions to the problem rather than allowing the unknown to drag me into "what if- worry mode".

A few people suggested that I just trust the Doctor and accept his opinion of it not being Cancer as good news. Since we got conflicting opinions from the doctors at the VA, I was not comfortable with trusting either of them blindly. We had no previous history with them. As we researched the NETs and realized it was rare, we felt that it was more important than ever to search diligently for answers. I believe that the VA Doctors are probably very good doctors and intend to provide the best treatment. However, some cases require further investigation by Doctors who specifically deal with the issue at hand. In our case, a rare neuroendocrine tumor. Doctors are human. They are capable of making mistakes.They work long hours and may miss something like NETs because it can appear so harmless. I think that a healthy understanding of your personal health issues and those of your immediate family are appropriate. I believe in being your own advocate and in seeking answers from experts when necessary.

The Bible talks about gleaning. God directed property owners to allow the orphans, widows, and less fortunate people to go behind them after their initial harvest and gather the leftovers. God always provides a way. What always stuck out to me was that he expected the needy people to work for what they got. He told the property owners to allow them to gather the leftovers. He did not expect that the property owners would gather it and just hand it to the people...

I feel like he leads us where we need to go, but He expects us to do the work. He prompted me to look for answers and information through my feelings of unrest.

Ruth 2:17

 

So Ruth gathered barley there all day, and when she beat out the grain that evening,

 it filled an entire basket.

 

 

Once I started diving into this stuff and trusting him to guide our steps, He gave me complete peace about whatever the future holds. It is ok to question things. It is alright to question people who are more educated than you. It is appropriate to be informed about medical conditions in order to make the best decisions for care and treatment.

Some patients are completely confident in their doctors opinion and ability no matter what they are facing. That is great. They may not have a desire to learn more about their condition. It may cause them more anxiety to know the research and technical details. That is ok too.

What matters is that each person has peace about the road ahead. God created all of us different for a reason. I think those unique qualities make us uniquely qualified to deal with whatever life throws at us, and to fulfill His purposes through it all.

We appreciate every single prayer, card, email, call, text, and words of encouragements. We are blessed to have so many thoughtful and concerned people in our lives.

Sometimes, I feel the closest connection to God when my life feels completely out of control. It is during those times that I truly understand my need for Him. I am so thankful for His constant presence in the chaos. My God is an Awesome God! If you don't know Him, I would love to share Him with you... just ask!