This season in life hasn’t been easy. I can’t really explain why it has been so difficult. I have struggled emotionally, with chronic health issues, in my marriage, and also in other relationships. I know that I’ve been given more than I will ever deserve. I am so grateful for all of my blessings. However, life this side of Heaven is hard.
I want to honor God in all things, but, I’m human and don’t always do that as well as should. I fail Him daily. I question His plan. I make mistakes. I get upset when He doesn’t do things the way I want Him to. I don’t love others the way He commands. I allow my feelings about situations to become more important than the people I care about. Sometimes, I’m just plain selfish. I put my desire to be heard, valued, and validated above showing unconditional love and forgiveness. Far too often my thoughts, words, and actions don’t accurately reflect my beliefs and values. I deeply regret the times that my life does not glorify God.
I think somewhere inside of us, we all want life to be fair. When we are hurt, we long for comfort. When someone inflicts harm, we want justice. When we are vulnerable and share our fears and challenges with people, we expect those things to be kept confidential. When we doubt, we desperately crave reassurance and encouragement. When we sacrifice for others, we hope that they will appreciate our efforts and return the favor in our time of need. When we love someone completely, we want to feel it’s reciprocated.
I’ve been told several times that my spiritual gift is encouragement. Over the years, I’ve tried to be there to lift people up when they are down. I haven’t done that as much as I wanted in recent years because I’ve allowed the challenges of life to get in the way. But, I enjoy helping others. I don’t mind walking with them through the hard stuff. I’ve been blessed to be able to help meet practical needs as well. I truly love being able to give to others. It makes my heart happy. I’ve never done it for recognition or to get anything in return. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable if someone makes a big deal out of something I’ve done. All of the glory should go to God, because even at my best, I’m deeply flawed. If there’s anything good in me, it’s all Him. He is the source of every gift I have to share.
While I love to be the giver, I’m not so great at accepting things from others. I try to remember that in refusing a gift, I take away that persons blessing. I don’t want to do that, but I always feel that there’s someone who needs help more than I do. I think that may stem from a little hidden pride that needs to be cut out of my life. God is working on chiseling that away. I want to be independent and in control. I want to take care of myself. It’s kind of funny to think I am able to control anything. I know that’s only an illusion. The only thing I can control is my own response to whatever happens. I rarely ask anyone for anything. I don’t want to be needy or a burden. My multiple health issues wear me out and keep me from most social activities, but when I do go out in public, I usually just put on a smile and fake normal. When someone asks how I’m doing, I tell them I’m fine.
These last few months have been awful for me. My depression has been worse than it’s been in over 20 years. I’ve had some really dark thoughts. If you can imagine it, it’s probably crossed my mind. I’ll admit that I’ve been withdrawn and distant. It seems that when depression kicks in and I need people most, I tend to isolate myself. That’s all on me and nobody else is to blame. It’s hard to function with overwhelming pain, total exhaustion, and wave after wave of negative emotions. It isn’t a good excuse, but that’s just how it is. I don’t want to be around people when I get that way. I know they won’t understand and I don’t want to bring anybody else down. I don’t want people to think I’m whining or just trying to get attention. Sadly, that seems to be a standard reaction to episodes of depression. When my emotions are running wild, it creates huge anxiety issues and a short fuse. It’s not pretty and I’m not proud of it. I just feel like it’s better for everyone if I’m not around and nobody has to deal with me.
During these last few months when someone asked me how I was doing, I was honest and told them that I was not doing well at all. I explained that I was in a really dark and lonely place. Moments of total transparency and vulnerability regarding my struggle with depression are rare. It’s not something that I openly discuss and I usually try to work through my issues on my own. This time, the cycle of sadness has lasted much longer than usual and I did admit to some people that I was having a hard time. There were a few who had words of encouragement and assured me they would pray for me. They were a lifeline and meant more to me than words could ever express. For the most part, the response I got was... well, nothing... crickets. It hurt, and only added to the negative thoughts in my mind. I started to question my purpose and my value as a human being. I felt like I didn’t matter and that I could just disappear and nobody would even realize I was gone.
I thought about all of the times I’d dropped everything for someone else, the times I’d made myself extremely uncomfortable to make someone else happy, the times I’d stood by people even when I didn’t agree with them, the sacrifices I’d made, how I tried to be honest even when it wasn’t popular, the times I’d forgiven hurtful words and actions that still haunt me, all of the love I had given to people who would never be able to love me back in the way I needed. At first, I got angry. Then, I realized that my anger was easier for me to deal with than the pain of feeling unloved or forgotten. I was using anger as a tool of self preservation. The truth is, I was grieving the realization that my relationships were not as strong or fulfilling as I thought they were. I felt broken and completely alone.
Most people want to feel loved, needed, appreciated, and included. When you feel like people are excluding you on purpose, talking behind your back, don’t care about you, or are just not considering how their words and actions might impact you, it’s heartbreaking. That’s how I’ve felt lately.
I know that I’m not for everybody. I over analyze and think deeply about things. I have strong opinions and probably share them more than I should. I can be pretty intense. I know I’m not always easy. Lately, it seems that people don’t like those things about me and don’t think having me in their life is worth the effort. Some days I’m ok with that, but in the midst of fighting the battles in my mind, it isn’t ok. It hurts and it’s unfair. That’s just the way life is sometimes, but I wasn’t created to live this way. I don’t have to feel defeated. I was made to live victoriously!
God is constantly reminding me that many times my feelings lie. My perception of things does not make it truth. My desire to be loved a certain way is a normal human response. It’s also selfish. I am supposed to love completely even if it’s not returned. I’ve certainly been unloveable, yet God chose to love me anyway.
He continues to remind me that my value is not determined by what others think, or even what I think.
I matter because I’m His. I’m worthy because He says I am. My life has purpose because He chose me to live here and now for a reason. I don’t have to understand everything. I’m not able to see His plan from start to finish. I just have to trust that it’s a good plan, even when it’s not easy.
He gave me a moment of clarity during the storm and showed me that I had been looking for acceptance, purpose, peace, and love in all the wrong places.
Sometimes people are mean and they hurt others on purpose. I’m learning that there are people who enjoy drama. The people who should want to promote peace are sometimes the ones fanning the flames of conflict. Many people may not have malicious intentions, but cause pain without meaning to. They may be indifferent or distracted by their own problems. I have been hurt by those people, and I hate to admit it, but at times, I have also been those people. I think that mostly, everyone is just busy. It’s not personal. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. Life is complicated and we all have so many responsibilities and obligations that pull us in different directions.
Not everyone responds to situations or feels things the same way I do. Most people don’t even understand what it’s like to have a chronic illness, especially one that they can’t see. It’s hard to understand something that isn’t obvious and visible if you’ve never experienced it. The crazy range of irrational emotions that come with depression don’t make sense to people. They aren’t even logical to me and I have lived with them my entire life! Friends and family probably don’t know what to say when someone shares that they are struggling, so they just avoid the subject. I’ve had that happen to me lots of times. It made me sad because I felt like my whole world was crumbling around me and nobody cared. Just because that’s how I felt in those moments of weakness, doesn’t mean it was true.
It’s always shocking to me when I learn that I am not as spiritually mature as I thought I was. When I’m hurt or angry, it doesn’t take long before the old me surfaces. My selfish nature shows it’s ugly face and throws one heck of a fit from time to time. It’s a humbling experience to be reminded of what a mess I was before Christ, and how quickly I can still fall when I take my focus off of Him.
There’s a lesson in every hardship that God allows. We all have different weaknesses. God knows where we need the most work and allows whatever it takes to mold us and shape us. Sometimes, we are slow learners. The refining process hurts, but the end result is worth the pain.
I have never wanted to be the center of attention. I’m a behind the scenes person. I don’t need to be popular. However, I do crave a deep connection with the people I’m closest to. I want to be a priority to them. Feeling distant and disconnected from those I have a close bond with is extremely difficult for me. Without their support, I start to feel disoriented and a little lost.
Over the last few months, in my lowest moments, I felt hopeless and wanted to give up. I felt misunderstood and insignificant. I felt neglected, abandoned, and absolutely alone. My heart cried out for peace and comfort. I pleaded for someone to walk with me in the darkness. I was desperate for someone to light my path and calm my fears. I had been that person for others many times. Where was that person for me? Who would rescue me from the depths of depression? Did anyone care enough to break the tormenting silence with a word of hope or encouragement. I felt like I was slowly disappearing and nobody even noticed. At some point, I bet everyone feels something similar.
It was in the solitude and stillness that God reminded me that no matter what I feel, I am never alone because I have Him. He knows me intimately. He sees the parts of me that I keep hidden. Nothing about me goes unnoticed by Him. People may walk away from me, or we may grow apart. They may die and leave a hole in my life until we are reunited in Heaven. I may be judged unfairly or denied forgiveness when I mess up. People may slander me, or believe lies about me. They may let me down unintentionally, or might be so wrapped up in their own lives that they may not consider me at all. People I care about may cut me out of their life without even giving an explanation. They may not think that I’m worthy of a second thought. But, there is someone who thinks I’m precious and loves me like nobody else can. There is only one who will never leave me. Only one who always has my best interest in mind. Just one who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. He understands all of the complex thoughts in my head and can unravel them until only the raw truths of my heart are exposed. He can tear down the walls I’ve built and reveal that the only real security I have is in Him. He is the living God and will never die. He’s got my back. His love for me is infinite. He is the very definition of love. When I try to find true love in anyone or anything outside of Him, my search is pointless. If I’m not looking to Him, I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.
I’m thankful for this recent lonely journey. If I hadn’t been so desperate, I might have forgotten my deep need to feel the love of God surround me. If I hadn’t isolated myself and felt alone, I may not have been reminded of His constant presence. We truly can’t appreciate the way God loves us and how much we need Him until we know what it feels like to unsuccessfully attempt to satisfy our hearts and souls with our human relationships.
I know that God is the only one that can satisfy my longings. Yet, when I’m overwhelmed I often forget. It seems that this is a lesson I have to keep learning time after time. Knowing the truth and feeling it inside aren’t the same thing. But, the truth doesn’t change no matter how I feel. Thankfully, each time God patiently reminds me that He’s all I need and I learn a little bit quicker. My hope is that someday soon, I won’t need to be reminded. The moment I start to feel lost, I will immediately run to Him and stop looking everywhere else for comfort.
Today is a new day and I’m going to be thankful for it and keep my focus on the God of all creation who loves me like nobody else can❤️
If you are feeling lost and enduring a season of hardship, I hope you will look to God and be filled with the peace that only He can give. May you be wrapped in the fullness of His love and know that you are never ever alone!
