Looking for Love in all the wrong places

This season in life hasn’t been easy. I can’t really explain why it has been so difficult. I have struggled emotionally, with chronic health issues, in my marriage, and also in other relationships. I know that I’ve been given more than I will ever deserve. I am so grateful for all of my blessings. However, life this side of Heaven is hard. 

I want to honor God in all things, but,  I’m human and don’t always do that as well as should. I fail Him daily. I question His plan. I make mistakes. I get upset when He doesn’t do things the way I want Him to. I don’t love others the way He commands. I allow my feelings about situations to become more important than the people I care about. Sometimes, I’m just plain selfish. I put my desire to be heard, valued, and validated above showing unconditional love and forgiveness. Far too often my thoughts, words, and actions don’t accurately reflect my beliefs and values. I deeply regret the times that my life does not glorify God. 

I think somewhere inside of us, we all want life to be fair. When we are hurt, we long for comfort. When someone inflicts harm, we want justice. When we are vulnerable and share our fears and challenges with people, we expect those things to be kept confidential. When we doubt, we desperately crave reassurance and encouragement. When we sacrifice for others, we hope that they will appreciate our efforts and return the favor in our time of need. When we love someone completely, we want to feel it’s reciprocated.

I’ve been told several times that my spiritual gift is encouragement. Over the years, I’ve tried to be there to lift people up when they are down. I haven’t done that as much as I wanted in recent years because I’ve allowed the challenges of life to get in the way. But, I enjoy helping others. I don’t mind walking with them through the hard stuff. I’ve been blessed to be able to help meet practical needs as well. I truly love being able to give to others. It makes my heart happy. I’ve never done it for recognition or to get anything in return. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable if someone makes a big deal out of something I’ve done. All of the glory should go to God, because even at my best, I’m deeply flawed. If there’s anything good in me, it’s all Him. He is the source of every gift I have to share. 

While I love to be the giver, I’m not so great at accepting things from others. I try to remember that in refusing a gift, I take away that persons blessing. I don’t want to do that, but I always feel that there’s someone who needs help more than I do. I think that may stem from a little hidden pride that needs to be cut out of my life. God is working on chiseling that away. I want to be independent and in control. I want to take care of myself. It’s kind of funny to think I am able to control anything. I know that’s only an illusion. The only thing I can control is my own response to whatever happens. I rarely ask anyone for anything. I don’t want to be needy or a burden. My multiple health issues wear me out and keep me from most social activities, but when I do go out in public, I usually just put on a smile and fake normal. When someone asks how I’m doing, I tell them I’m fine. 

These last few months have been awful for me. My depression has been worse than it’s been in over 20 years. I’ve had some really dark thoughts. If you can imagine it, it’s probably crossed my mind. I’ll admit that I’ve been withdrawn and distant. It seems that when depression kicks in and I need people most, I  tend to isolate myself. That’s all on me and nobody else is to blame. It’s hard to function with overwhelming pain, total exhaustion, and wave after wave of negative emotions. It isn’t a good excuse, but that’s just how it is. I don’t want to be around people when I get that way. I know they won’t understand and I don’t want to bring anybody else down. I don’t want people to think I’m whining or just trying to get attention. Sadly, that seems to be a standard reaction to episodes of depression. When my emotions are running wild, it creates huge anxiety issues and a short fuse. It’s not pretty and I’m not proud of it. I just feel like it’s better for everyone if I’m not around and nobody has to deal with me. 

During these last few months when someone asked me how I was doing, I was honest and told them that I was not doing well at all. I explained that I was in a really dark and lonely place. Moments of total transparency and vulnerability regarding my struggle with depression are rare. It’s not something that I openly discuss and I usually try to work through my issues on my own. This time, the cycle of sadness has lasted much longer than usual and I did admit to some people that I was having a hard time. There were a few who had words of encouragement and assured me they would pray for me. They were a lifeline and meant more to me than words could ever express. For the most part, the response I got was... well, nothing... crickets. It hurt, and only added to the negative thoughts in my mind. I started to question my purpose and my value as a human being. I felt like I didn’t matter and that I could just disappear and nobody would even realize I was gone.

I thought about all of the times I’d dropped everything for someone else, the times I’d made myself extremely uncomfortable to make someone else happy, the times I’d stood by people even when I didn’t agree with them, the sacrifices I’d made, how I tried to be honest even when it wasn’t popular, the times I’d forgiven hurtful words and actions that still haunt me, all of the love I had  given to people who would never be able to love me back in the way I needed. At first, I got angry. Then, I realized that my anger was easier for me to deal with than the pain of feeling unloved or forgotten. I was using anger as a tool of self preservation. The truth is, I was grieving the realization that my relationships were not as strong or fulfilling as I thought they were. I felt broken and completely alone.

Most people want to feel loved, needed, appreciated, and included. When you feel like people are excluding you on purpose, talking behind your back, don’t care about you, or are just not considering how their words and actions might impact you, it’s heartbreaking. That’s how I’ve felt lately. 

I know that I’m not for everybody. I over analyze and think deeply about things. I have strong opinions and probably share them more than I should. I can be pretty intense. I know I’m not always easy. Lately, it seems that people don’t like those things about me and don’t think having me in their life is worth the effort. Some days I’m ok with that, but in the midst of fighting the battles in my mind, it isn’t ok. It hurts and it’s unfair. That’s just the way life is sometimes, but I wasn’t created to live this way. I don’t have to feel defeated. I was made to live victoriously!

God is constantly reminding me that many times my feelings lie. My perception of things does not make it truth. My desire to be loved a certain way is a normal human response. It’s also selfish. I am supposed to love completely even if it’s not returned. I’ve certainly been unloveable, yet God chose to love me anyway. 

He continues to remind me that my value is not determined by what others think, or even what I think. 

I matter because I’m His. I’m worthy because He says I am. My life has purpose because He chose me to live here and now for a reason. I don’t have to understand everything. I’m not able to see His plan from start to finish. I just have to trust that it’s a good plan, even when it’s not easy.  

He gave me a moment of clarity during the storm and showed me that I had been looking for acceptance, purpose, peace, and love in all the wrong places.

Sometimes people are mean and they hurt others on purpose. I’m learning that there are people who enjoy drama. The people who should want to promote peace are sometimes the ones fanning the flames of conflict. Many people may not have malicious intentions, but cause pain without meaning to. They may be indifferent or distracted by their own problems. I have been hurt by those people, and I hate to admit it, but at times, I have also been those people. I think that mostly, everyone is just busy. It’s not personal. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. Life is complicated and we all have so many responsibilities and obligations that pull us in different directions. 

Not everyone responds to situations or feels things the same way I do. Most people don’t even understand what it’s like to have a chronic illness, especially one that they can’t see. It’s hard to understand something that isn’t obvious and visible if you’ve never experienced it. The crazy range of irrational emotions that come with depression don’t make sense to people. They aren’t even logical to me and I have lived with them my entire life! Friends and family probably don’t know what to say when someone shares that they are struggling, so they just avoid the subject. I’ve had that happen to me lots of times. It made me sad because I felt like my whole world was crumbling around me and nobody cared. Just because that’s how I felt in those moments of weakness, doesn’t mean it was true. 

I haven’t always been the best person I could be. I have failed many times as a friend, wife, mother, daughter, and in every other role I’ve been given. I know that I’ve let people I care deeply about down repeatedly. I didn’t do it on purpose, but it still happened. It’ll likely happen again. Why? Because I’m not perfect. None of us are. Nobody on Earth can meet my needs and expectations all the time. That would be impossible! So, why do I continue to allow myself to be hurt by unmet expectations? Why am I looking for help from people instead of the all knowing and unchanging God that created me?

It’s always shocking to me when I learn that I am not as spiritually mature as I thought I was. When I’m hurt or angry, it doesn’t take long before the old me surfaces. My selfish nature shows it’s ugly face and throws one heck of a fit from time to time. It’s a humbling experience to be reminded of what a mess I was before Christ, and how quickly I can still fall when I take my focus off of Him. 

There’s a lesson in every hardship that God allows. We all have different weaknesses. God knows where we need the most work and allows whatever it takes to mold us and shape us. Sometimes, we are slow learners. The refining process hurts, but the end result is worth the pain. 

I have never wanted to be the center of attention. I’m a behind the scenes person. I don’t need to be popular. However, I do crave a deep connection with the people I’m closest to. I want to be a priority to them. Feeling distant and disconnected from those I have a close bond with is extremely difficult for me. Without their support, I start to feel disoriented and a little lost. 

Over the last few months, in my lowest moments, I felt hopeless and wanted to give up. I felt misunderstood and insignificant. I felt neglected, abandoned, and absolutely alone. My heart cried out for peace and comfort. I pleaded for someone to walk with me in the darkness. I was desperate for someone to light my path and calm my fears. I had been that person for others many times. Where was that person for me? Who would rescue me from the depths of depression? Did anyone care enough to break the tormenting silence with a word of hope or encouragement. I felt like I was slowly disappearing and nobody even noticed. At some point, I bet everyone feels something similar. 

It was in the solitude and stillness that God reminded me that no matter what I feel, I am never alone because I have Him. He knows me intimately. He sees the parts of me that I keep hidden. Nothing about me goes unnoticed by Him. People may walk away from me, or we may grow apart. They may die and leave a hole in my life until we are reunited in Heaven. I may be judged unfairly or denied forgiveness when I mess up. People may slander me, or believe lies about me. They may let me down unintentionally, or might be so wrapped up in their own lives that they may not consider me at all. People I care about may cut me out of their life without even giving an explanation. They may not think that I’m worthy of a second thought. But, there is someone who thinks I’m precious and loves me like nobody else can. There is only one who will never leave me. Only one who always has my best interest in mind. Just one who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. He understands all of the complex thoughts in my head and can unravel them until only the raw truths of my heart are exposed. He can tear down the walls I’ve built and reveal that the only real security I have is in Him.  He is the living God and will never die. He’s got my back. His love for me is infinite. He is the very definition of love. When I try to find true love in anyone or anything outside of Him, my search is pointless. If I’m not looking to Him, I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. 

I’m thankful for this recent lonely journey. If I hadn’t been so desperate, I might have forgotten my deep need to feel the love of God surround me. If I hadn’t isolated myself and felt alone, I may not have been reminded of His constant presence. We truly can’t appreciate the way God loves us and how much we need Him until we know what it feels like to unsuccessfully attempt to satisfy our hearts and souls with our human relationships. 

I know that God is the only one that can satisfy my longings. Yet, when I’m overwhelmed I often forget. It seems that this is a lesson I have to keep learning time after time. Knowing the truth and feeling it inside aren’t the same thing. But, the truth doesn’t change no matter how I feel. Thankfully, each time God patiently reminds me that He’s all I need and I learn a little bit quicker. My hope is that someday soon, I won’t need to be reminded. The moment I start to feel lost, I will immediately run to Him and stop looking everywhere else for comfort. 

Today is a new day and I’m going to be thankful for it and keep my focus on the God of all creation who loves me like nobody else can❤️

If you are feeling lost and enduring a season of hardship, I hope you will look to God and be filled with the peace that only He can give. May you be wrapped in the fullness of His love and know that you are never ever alone!

Life on the dark side: Behind the mask of chronic illness

I used to be fun. At least I think I did. I know I was more fun than I am now. I enjoyed life, was active, and social. I had plenty of energy. I was the type of person that got things done. I was always up for a challenge. I craved excitement. I didn’t require much sleep, and was always ready to get out and explore the world. I loved having people around. Almost every weekend was filled with a whirlwind of activity. I vaguely remember that person. I know deep down she’s still there, but it seems like she existed in another life, or that maybe it was all just a dream.

These days, things are much different. Most of the time, I hardly recognize the person I have become. I have allowed the dark side of life with chronic illnesses to alter my personality and negatively impact how I view and approach life. I’m still the same person on the inside. I still have the desire for adventure and excitement. Unfortunately, that is not often reflected in my daily life.

Maybe that’s why living with constant debilitating invisible illnesses is so hard. I know that I look healthy and normal on the outside. The world has no idea how much physical and emotional effort goes into looking like nothing is wrong. They don’t know that taking a shower drains every ounce of energy I have and usually requires me to lay down for extended periods of time to recover. They can’t see the pain that I feel in every muscle and joint in my body. They don’t see that my skin feels bruised all over. Those that have never experienced it couldn't possibly understand the overwhelming exhaustion that never goes away no matter how much sleep I get. They can’t feel the constant companions of dizziness, nausea, and shortness of breath. They don’t see the anxious underlying panic that I try so hard to hide. A person who has never had emotional problems can’t comprehend the weight of depression and the irrational fear, insecurity, and neediness that go along with it.

At times, my mind tries to convince me that my situation is hopeless and that I’m worthless. I can usually hide my silent tears and struggles. I can mask my pain with a smile. I can fake normal for short periods of time. I have mastered the art of disguise. However, it requires a huge amount of energy to go out in public or spend time with family and friends. Energy is something that I don’t have enough of. I certainly don’t have any to spare. I have to choose how I spend it carefully. I can only pretend to be ok for short periods of time, and it is beyond exhausting. 

I want so desperately to feel better. I have searched for miracle cures and relief for years. I’ve spent a small fortune on medical expenses and tried my share of crazy alternative treatments. I’ve endured the fun side effects that go along with pharmaceutical drugs. I’ve been poked, prodded, scanned, scoped, and tested more times than I can count. I have gained weight from drugs and inactivity which only makes my pain and fatigue worse, adds to my depression, and lands a pretty harsh blow to my self confidence. 

I’ve prayed that God would restore my health and heal my mind and body. I know He can do that, but so far He has chosen not to. I know there’s a purpose and that He’s refining me and giving me opportunities to grow spiritually. I know that others deal with hardship and illnesses that are much worse than mine. I know that I am blessed and have so much to be thankful for. I KNOW ALL OF THAT, but to be honest, there are moments that I can’t force what I know to be true in my head make the connection with what I feel in my heart. Some days, I’m just not ok. I think everyone has those kind of days every once in a while. 

There are times when I just want to be able to do normal things and spend time with people I care about. I want to make plans to do things with others. I don’t want to make another excuse as to why I can’t. I wish I could be spontaneous and carefree instead of strategically planning my day according to my medication schedule. Even when I take every natural remedy and prescription in my arsenal, I am still lucky to function well enough to do any activity more than a few hours a day. Even then, having to do things several days in a row wreaks havoc on my body. I am tired of having to choose between going to an appointment today and getting out of bed and getting dressed for the next few days. 

I used to go church or the grocery store without giving it a second thought. It was just a tiny part of my day. Heck, I used to get groceries, clean the house, do laundry, and even walk several miles before going to work all day! Now, some of those activities are impossible, and the others deplete my energy reserve. Then, my body requires days of rest in order to recover. When I try to do too much, I get worn out fast. That makes me frustrated, angry, and irritable. Nobody wants to be around someone who is moody, short tempered, and negative all the time. When I get like that, I don’t even want to be around myself! That’s a pretty rough place to be!

When I’m at my lowest, I need reassurance and comforting more than ever. Ironically, it’s during those times that I withdraw, push people away, or cause them to distance themselves from me because they don’t want to deal with my rollercoaster of emotions. That only makes the situation worse and leaves me feeling alone and broken. 

I want to be able to better serve my church and community. My heart longs to join others on mission fields throughout the world. However, I’m learning to accept my limitations and admit that it’s not always possible to do the things I want to do. Serving the Lord doesn't look like I think it should, but I'm trying to be content in my circumstances and focus on what I can do. Most of the time I am able to count my blessings and not focus on the bad stuff. But sometimes, keeping a positive outlook is harder than it seems.

It makes me sad that I don’t spend enough time with people I love. It breaks my heart that I didn’t go to the beach with my friend, Wendy, before she passed away. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to pretend to be ok for that many consecutive days and that she wouldn’t understand. I didn’t want to show her my weaknesses. Now, it’s too late. No matter how much I regret the opportunities I missed, I can’t get that time back. I hate that I’m not able to keep up with my Grandchildren, or even pick them up and hold them without having muscle spasms for days. It upsets me that I can’t ride in a vehicle for more than a few hours without hurting so bad that I have to fight back tears. It frustrates me that I’m not able to paddle a boat on the lake on a warm sunny day. It’s ridiculous that it takes me days to prepare a meal for my family because it’s too difficult to do it all at once. I am embarrassed about all of the things that I’m not able to do. I know that some people probably think I’m just lazy and should suck it up and move on. I may have felt that way before my body turned against me.

I used to enjoy talking on the phone and catching up with friends. These days, texting is my primary method of communication. You don’t realize how much focus it takes to engage in conversation until your mind and body are overwhelmed and leave you in a state of constant distraction. It’s much easier to hide the painful truth with cute emoji’s. 

I used to love to read, and often read a book a day. Now, I can’t focus well enough to comprehend a paragraph without rereading it several times. It hurts my hands, arms, and wrists to hold a book. I won’t even go into the discomfort of trying to sit long enough to read a chapter. When you don’t feel well, it’s hard to do the things you once looked forward to. Sometimes, it feels as though my life is being stolen one small piece at a time. 

I never thought about how much of our social life revolves around food until I found out that I have Celiac disease. Gluten is everywhere. Even when foods don’t contain wheat, barley, or rye, they may have trace amounts of gluten. Even a tiny bit may cause an autoimmune response that can have serious consequences. For someone with Celiac, gluten causes the body to essentially attack itself. It weakens the immune system and makes the body vulnerable to multiple complications that could eventually lead to devastating illnesses like Cancer, or even death. I don’t like to call attention to myself or my health problems. In an effort to keep folks from thinking I’m crazy, dramatic, or obsessive about not eating gluten, I handle the situation in a healthy grown up way. Yep, I just avoid eating out and social gatherings altogether. 

I know this sounds awful, but sometimes I’m jealous of those who are able to effortlessly do the things I still want to do. I want to be the fun wife that my husband married. I want to be the energetic Mom and Grandmother that my children and grandchildren want to spend time with. I want to be the friend that is always up for a day of shopping, or a last minute girls trip.I want to be the person that is always there to help someone in need. I want to encourage and inspire others. I want to be independent, confident, and strong. I want to be able to think with a clear head, instead of one that is clouded by pain and fatigue. I want my life back. I want to be able control what is going on inside of me. But, I can’t always get what I want. 

I’m not looking for sympathy. That’s not why I’m sharing this. I guess I just wanted to raise awareness about a few small ways that chronic conditions change lives.

People long for love and acceptance. We crave connection with others, but we exile ourselves out of self preservation. Eventually, our circle of support dwindles to only a faithful few. We don’t allow people to truly see who we are because we fear rejection. Instead, we use our energy to create the illusion of normalcy. Being real, and living a transparent life is difficult. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable puts us at a greater risk of being hurt by the people we need and trust the most.

For those who fight your own invisible battles every day, you are not alone. I see the tears that haven’t fallen yet. I recognize the pain behind that smile. I hear the desperation you haven’t put into words. I know that separating yourself from others is often necessary, and always lonely.

For those who love someone who is struggling to accept their new normal, remember that the one you care for is still in there, even when it seems that every trace of them is gone. Try to understand things from their perspective. Be patient and willing to listen without judgment. Support them when they get overwhelmed and emotional. I know that is easier said than done, but your compassion may be their only lifeline when they feel like they are drowning is despair. Forgive them when you feel like they’ve let you down. Love them even when they try to push you away. Don’t give up on them. They likely need you more than you will ever realize. 

Sometimes, giving your feelings a voice brings healing. It’s ok to be honest about your struggles. We all have them. Life isn’t easy for anybody. The path to wellness looks different for each of us. The one thing we all need, is to feel loved in spite of the challenges we face. We are stronger together than we are apart. 

If you notice that the spark in someone’s eye is growing dimmer by the day, be the beam of light that helps guide them out of the darkness. 

Chronic Illnesses often create a sense of isolation and loneliness. However, feeling alone is not the same as being alone. We are never truly by ourselves when we give our lives to the God who created us. He tells us that He will never leave us. I’m so thankful for that. I’m also grateful for the people He sends to walk with me, encourage me, and be a light when my world is dark. 

Never lose hope. Storms don’t last forever, and the sun overtakes the darkest night when morning comes. There are brighter days ahead. 

If you are struggling, look for the light.
When you are able, BE the light!

Life, Love, & Quality Time

If you’ve read my previous posts, you know we have had a crazy year. My husband, Bill, never had any health problems. Since early 2017, it seems like he has dealt with one issue after another. He is self employed as an auto mechanic. He owns his own business, but hasn’t been able to work for about a year.

Several people have asked about his health, recent tests, and pathology reports. So, I thought I’d give you an update.

He is still dealing with ongoing chronic health issues including back and nerve pain, heat intolerance, and fatigue. He has been discouraged about not being able to work, but is hoping that things improve so that he will be able to try to open the shop, at least part time, when the temperature is cooler.

Some of his labs indicate a possible problem with his parathyroid and still show abnormal liver function. Neither of those things are bad enough that they require any immediate interventions. They will just continue watch his levels. 

He had several scope procedures this month. They removed a precancerous polyp and another small neuroendocrine tumor. The biopsy samples they took showed some other cellular changes/precancerous areas. The pathology report still indicates Crohn’s/Colitis and Autoimmune Atrophic Gastritis. These conditions increase his risk of several different cancers and are likely the reason for the areas of concern that the tests continue to show. Unfortunately, there is no cure for the Crohn’s or Autoimmune Gastritis. There’s not really a treatment to help prevent future problems. The plan is to continue to monitor things, remove any new growths, and deal with whatever happens as it comes. 

The good news is that precancerous does not mean Cancer. Our prayer is that it will never turn into that. We will do our best to be proactive, but know that none of this is within our control. There’s nothing like the mention of the word cancer to make you realize just how powerless you are and how fragile life is. 

We may believe we are the master of our own destiny, but that is just an illusion. There are very few things in life that we truly have control over. We may not be in charge of everything that happens, but we are responsible for how we respond. Our response to the challenges and uncertainties of life is to put our faith in God. After all, He is the one who made us. He cares about every detail, knows the number of hairs on our heads, and knew us before we were even born. There is no one better to trust than the One who gave us breath and spoke all of creation into existence! He knows what our future holds, and already has a plan to get us through it. 

God has been so good to us. He has provided, given us wisdom, strength, and peace. We are especially thankful for the people He brought into our life that love us, pray for us, and walk with us through the valleys, as well as celebrating with us on the mountaintop. 

We have been blessed with another day. If you are reading this, so have you. The gift of more time with those you love is so precious. Our days are numbered. Don’t waste them doing a job that you hate or in the pursuit of more money or material possessions. At the end of this life, you can’t take those things with you. 

In my final days, I doubt that I will regret what I didn’t buy. I don’t think my social status will matter much. I will probably reflect on the time I wasted on selfish ambitions, anger, broken relationships, and the unwillingness to forgive. Maybe I’d wish for another chance, or just one more day. 

Today is my one more day. It’s yours too. Today is a chance to look around and thank God for the gifts in life. It’s an opportunity to be content no matter the circumstance. God has given us the miracle of more time. We get to choose how we spend it. I want to spend mine loving God and sharing His love with others. 

We can’t take any of our worldly possessions with us when our time here is over. However, I believe the relationships, spiritual connections, and love we share will never end. Love is eternal. Time spent on a life of love is never wasted! 

In the end, these things remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. The greatest of these is love❤️