I have really been struggling with feeling that I just don't matter... That if I just disappeared tomorrow nobody would even miss me. I feel like I have poured my heart and soul into people I love and that they will never care about me the way that I do them. It breaks my heart. I know I am not perfect. I know I have made mistakes... but, I have freely given of my resources, my experience, my time, and especially my heart. It seems like none of that matters. It is so painful to know that people only want to see or talk to you if there is something you can do for them. It feels like it would be impossible to ever change that.
As I was wallowing in self pity, God reminded me of a few important things. First, NOTHING is impossible for God. It may be easier to believe that He can cure Cancer, part the Sea, raise the dead, and call down fire from Heaven than it is to believe that He could change someone's heart. He gently reminded me of the ugly, vile, and selfish shell of a person I was before He handled my total makeover. Talk about humbling. He changed me. That is proof that there really is nothing that is too hard for him to accomplish. Changing hearts and lives is what He does best.
As Jesus was dying on the cross to save me from my sins... as He was preparing to take his last painful breath on Earth... He used what tiny reserve of energy He had left to ask God to forgive those that crucified him. Forgive them because they do not know what they are doing. Forgive them. They are me. He allowed them to nail him to that cross. He chose to stay there and die there. He did that for me. He suffered because of my sin. He prayed that God would forgive them... that He would forgive me! Amazing Love!! Wow! That tells me that I am supposed to love like that. I also need to forgive because they don't know what they are doing. The world has a way of blinding us to the truth. We tend to seek gratification is everything except loving God and loving others. He didn't tell us to love only the loveable. We are called to love our enemies too. So, even when it breaks my heart...I can't ever give up on loving others. I may never have it returned, but, I know that my treasures await me in Heaven.
I feel like the closer you get to God... the more you lose your identity in the world. Your life becomes about Christ and sharing Him with the world and less about self and personal desires. So, while my human nature continues to struggle with feeling like I don't matter... I know that I do matter to Him. I am so valuable to Him that He died for me so that I could have an eternal relationship with Him. I am also reminded that it really isn't about me. It is all about Him. I still don't know what my purpose is. Maybe it isn't a big calling that will change the world. Maybe it is just to encourage one person. To make their world a little better by sharing the love of Christ. I am reminded of a Beth Moore study and in it she talked about as we take up our cross daily and follow Him, essentially... as we carry the cross... our footsteps are replaced and all that remains is the mark of the cross. So... when I leave this Earth... nobody may ever remember my name...and that is ok... I just pray that in some small way..my life here leaves the mark of the cross.
The key to beating depression is being reminded daily that I don't have to stay in this emotional state. I cannot be defeated because I already have victory in Jesus. All of the struggles and heartache are only temporary. One day the pain and tears will be replaced with absolute joy. I know in my heart that Heaven is real and that one day I am going to go there. That is what makes the hard times bearable. He was willing to die for me. That is why I am willing to live for Him.
