The Ripple Effect

 

I watched my son teach my 5 year old granddaughter how to shoot a gun for the first time. He was so sweet and patient with her. He helped her hold and aim. He told her how to focus, breathe, and when to pull the trigger. He had his arms around her and spoke quietly the whole time. She knew her Daddy was right beside her, and she was fearless! It melted my heart. 

Memories took me back to the time my Dad taught me to shoot. He wasn’t my biological father, but had been the only Dad I really knew since I was 3 years old! When I was a little girl, he taught me to shoot the same way that my son taught his daughter. My son used the same words and techniques with my sweet granddaughter. You see, his grandfather taught him when he was a little boy.

That may not seem like much. We are all taught things that we share and pass down to others. But, it was bigger than that for me. 

As I stood there watching my son and granddaughter, on the land my parents lived and died on, I was taken back to happier times. My Dad made me feel like the most important person in the world when I was little. As I got older, everything was different. He changed. He was mean and abusive. The Daddy that had guided me with kindness and love was lost somewhere inside himself with his own personal demons. 

The bad years far outweighed the good. 

When he passed away, I mourned for the Daddy that loved and believed in me when I was a child… but, at the time of his death, that man hadn’t existed for me in many years.

As I watched my son, I was reminded of the love my Dad had shown me all those years ago. It made my heart smile. In that 

moment, I knew that the things I told myself about him never loving me were lies. He did love me when I was a child. The intentions of love are pure and selfless. We recognize and respond to genuine acts of kindness. They leave lasting impressions and often create a ripple effect that spans generations. 

I don’t know why my Dad changed and was no longer able to love me or show kindness. I had allowed my injured inner voice to convince me that he had never cared about me. The weight of that was crushing. 

In time, I realized that everyone will eventually let you down. Some people even set out to destroy you. Others unintentionally hurt or neglect you. Most don’t even consider you at all. We are all struggling, broken, imperfect people with our own selfish needs, desires, and motivations. 

Time allowed me to comprehend that and gave me the ability and grace to accept it. It also showed me  God is bigger than anything I will ever face. He created me, loves me, and knows me better than anyone. My relationship with my Heavenly Father gave me the strength and security to navigate complicated relationships. Knowing that I had a Father that wanted to be part of my life was comforting. 

Watching my son and granddaughter, I realized that love never dies. In that moment, I was a 5 year old little girl that could conquer the world with her Daddy’s arms wrapped safely around her. The impact of Daddy’s patient teachings were now being realized by a 3rd generation. She may never know that her great grandfather once taught her Dad and me how to shoot.  I hope she will always remember the way it felt to be held, loved, safe, and supported.

I had let the pain of so many heartbreaking years steal the memories of those sweet and lasting moments. One good thing that comes from reliving past trauma, is learning not to repeat it. Sometimes, the trials of life feel like they outweigh the good times. Negativity is all consuming. Maybe that is why God gave me that glimmer of comfort. To remind me of how powerful simple acts of kindness can be. A single moment of love has the ability to change lives forever. 

The older I get, the more I understand these simple truths. Reflecting on all of the people I have loved and lost is bittersweet. Sometimes, relationships are difficult. Abuse is never acceptable. But- all of the influences shape us into the person we become. Sometimes, pain and disappointments make us bitter. From now on, I want to focus on those precious moments of love that have been shared with me…. Regardless of how many bad times surrounded it. 

Life is so very short. At the end of mine, I hope that my family and friends are able to forgive my shortcomings and failures. Mostly, I hope they will know how deeply I love them. I pray that they feel it so strongly that just overflows out of them and spills onto everyone in their path. 

Many people don’t have a person in their life to model what unconditional love looks like. They may feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and alone. The good news is, nobody is ever alone. There is a loving Daddy in Heaven that is waiting for us to reach to him for help. I don’t fully understand how God is able to provide peace during the worst situations, but, I know He does. He has done it for me so many times.

We may not be loved or cared for the way we would like. That doesn’t mean we have to continue the cycle. Angry words, lies, and abuse lead to destruction if allowed to progress. We have no control over another persons actions. We can only control our reaction. We could retaliate and continue down the same devastating road. Or, we could learn the kind of person that we don’t want to be and take the necessary steps to change it. 

If we would all make an effort to be the source of strength, comfort, kindness, and compassion that we all so desperately need, we could literally change the world. Love is eternal. It spans the gap of time. It endures all of the heartbreaks. It overcomes fear. It forgives. In its truest form, Love is the essence of our lives. If you have it, treasure it. If not, understand that you have the ability to show others the love you didn’t have.

Allow it all to shape you into a better person. Both good and bad experiences are important life lessons. 

Choose people over problems. Love is never wasted. The ripple effect is immeasurable. Your kindness matters. YOU matter. You make a difference in the lives of people around you every day. You choose how you interact with others. 

Are you a source of hope or despair to the world around you? 

Interestingly, I have found that often times the words of comfort I have given to others… somehow find their way back to me when I need them. God is good like that. Another reminder that l am not alone and He will provide everything I need at just the right time.

The Holiday Season is difficult for many people for a variety of reasons. It’s the perfect time to start  being intentional about our treatment of others.

No matter your circumstances, there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that God allowed me to remember those sweet moments with my Dad all those years ago. I am so grateful that my son also has a few fond memories of his grandfather. I hope that the generational chains that held us back for so long have been permanently severed. I pray that my granddaughter will always know the love of her Dad and that someday she accepts the life saving love of her eternal Father.  

There are still many broken relationships between people I care for. For years, I thought I could “fix” the situation. I learned that I have no control over other people. All I can do is show kindness, give grace, love them through it, and pray that God will reveal the truth to those that need to understand it. 

Love truly can conquer all. It starts with us.

Life Update

It has been a while since I shared an update. To be honest, there are too many things to even write about, but I will share a few.  The last year has been one of the hardest and most stressful times of my life. 

Our Yorkie, Madison, passed away in March 2023. Mama always wanted a Yorkie. In 2007, she got Madison at 6 weeks old. She called her my sister. They adored each other. When Mama died in June 2008, Madison came to live with us. She was 15 and had a wonderful life. There are no words to fully explain the bond we had with her or the pain of saying goodbye. She was special and one of a kind. There will never be another Madison. We still miss her every single day. 

There has never been a time in my life that I didn’t have an animal to love. I don’t like it and I doubt I will ever get used to it. But, neither of us think our hearts can handle another loss like that. 

On May 18, 2023, my Dad passed away from heart failure. He had been struggling and was recovering from a pace maker upgrade. While we knew how serious his condition was, we were not expecting him to die. It was a bit of a shock. Dad was career military and had a strong personality and powerful presence. There is a part of me that truly thought he would outlive me or somehow find a way to avoid death altogether. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. 

Unfortunately, unless Jesus returns first, none of us are getting out of here alive. That is why it’s so important to have a relationship with God so that you know you will spend eternity with him. Nobody is guaranteed their next breath! The older I get, the more clear that reality becomes! Just today.. A car cut me off on the interstate. I nearly overcorrected and wrecked. Thankfully, I didn’t and we made it home safely. You just never know what the next moment holds. 

I am the Executrix of Dads estate. He was a complicated person and his will/final wishes definitely reflect that and I am still working on sorting it all out. There are about 20 beneficiaries and property in 3 states. It has been emotionally and physically exhausting and overwhelming. But, we are slowly making progress.

Many of you have asked for an update on Billys health situation. He was accepted as a patient with the Undiagnosed Diseases Network (UDN) to try to find the cause of his unexplained “episodes” of hypertension, anxiety, and feelings of impending doom. Several specialist from across the country worked on his case. They did whole genome sequencing to try to identify a genetic cause. At first, the genetic testing didn’t really explain anything. However, considering his symptoms and all of the previous testing, they still believed he had a pheochromocytoma. The diagnostic imaging was inconclusive. It showed increased uptake and thickening on his left adrenal gland, but didn’t reveal a typical growth or tumor that could be seen and measured. Pheochromocytomas and other Neuroendocrine tumors can be present on a cellular level and may be “flat” rather than protruding. That often makes diagnosis difficult. The team of doctors felt that he should continue with medications to control symptoms and do periodic monitoring for a pheo. 

Months later, they contacted him and said that one of his genetic variants has since been linked to pheochromocytoma. Now, they believe there is a high probability of a Pheo. However, he also has another genetic mutation that effects tumor suppression… meaning if they remove a tumor/adrenal gland, it is more likely that he could have a tumor on the other adrenal gland or somewhere else. They don’t want to do surgery unless it gets worse and/or they can pinpoint the exact location of the tumor with certainty. Until then, they will continue to treat him like he has an inoperable pheo- with meds only. He has a webpage with the UDN that explains his case. Hers is the link for those that are interested. Just click on Participant 220 below.

Participant 220

He is still dealing with back/nerve pain, stomach problems, and several other issues. All of his conditions are chronic and are being managed as well as possible. He had his yearly endoscopy today to monitor things and locate and remove any Neuroendocrine tumors in his stomach. They removed polyps and took several random biopsies. Everything went fine. The Pathology report will be available in a few weeks. 

There are a few other life events that I may share later when I have time to put it all into words. I won’t overwhelm you with anything else right now.

Life has been beyond crazy this last year. Most of the time, we don’t even know what day it is! It seems there is always something unexpected that has to be handled. Thankfully, none of this was a surprise to God. He knew what was coming and had a plan to get us through it. Which reminds me of a song… Nothing catches Jesus by surprise by John Michael Montgomery. Give it a listen😊

https://youtu.be/ifcx1LCW2QE?si=rTzhSwl_TkY2P49h

God has continuously provided a way forward and worked out every detail along the way. I have no doubt that He will continue to take care of us. I can’t imagine facing the storms of this crazy life without His unwavering love, protection, and provision. We may not know what is waiting up ahead, but He does. I have no control over most things in life, but He does. I don’t have to know all of the answers. I just have to know the one that does. That is so comforting to me. I hope it will be a comfort to you as well. We all walk through the darkness at times, but He is with us so we don’t have to walk alone. 

I hope that whatever you are facing today, you will allow His light and love to illuminate the darkness, erase the shadows, and lift your spirits. ❤️

Still Searching…

If you have been following our quest for a diagnosis, you know that Billy was accepted as a patient with the Undiagnosed Diseases Network (UDN) earlier this year. We are so thankful for the opportunity he has been given to participate in their program. We are hopeful that their team of doctors and researchers can uncover the  cause of the debilitating episodes that have plagued his life for the last several years. 

Over the summer, he and his parents had genetic testing and counseling. Preliminary results revealed a variant in the KIF1B gene. Previously this variant was one of “unknown significance”. However, recent research has shown that it may be one of the most common mutations associated with pheochromocytoma and paraganglioma tumors. Click here to read more:

https://erc.bioscientifica.com/view/journals/erc/24/8/ERC-17-0061.xml

Last week a team of UDN Doctors from around the country reviewed and collaborated on his case.

Today, he had his first appointment with a few of the UDN Doctors at Vanderbilt. They spent hours with him documenting the details of his case and family history. They did a physical exam and ordered more labs and testing. 

After going over his extensive medical file and genetic discoveries, it sounds like they still believe a pheochromocytoma is a likely cause for his issues, despite previous testing being inconclusive. 

The last thing the Dr. said before leaving the room was “I believe you have a pheochromocytoma. Let’s find it and get it out!”

The immediate plan is to return to the lab Friday morning to complete the ordered tests. It will likely take several weeks for all the results to come back. They will contact us after reviewing them and we will discuss next steps.

As always, we appreciate your concern and continued prayers.

Jeremiah 42:3

Pray that the Lord your God will show us what to do and where to go.

He’s IN with the UDN

Just wanted to share an update on Billy’s ongoing health issues. I know it’s been awhile since I posted. Honestly, it’s hard to even know what to say when we still don’t have the answers we desperately need. 

He has several chronic conditions that are being managed fairly well. Unfortunately, he still isn’t able to work. He continues to deal with sporadic episodes that are scary, dangerous, and cause more problems than I can even put into words. He is on multiple medications to help control the blood pressure spikes that come with these weird events. Thankfully, they usually keep his pressure from staying elevated too long. That helps us avoid constant visits to the emergency room! 

He still experiences many often debilitating daily symptoms. Thankfully, he has learned to handle them better over the last few years. Isn’t it crazy what we are able to learn to live with and accept as our “new normal”? 

God has given all of us the miraculous ability to adapt to unimaginable circumstances. With His help, we also have the strength to endure and overcome anything! Can I get an Amen?!

For us, the hardest part of this ordeal is not knowing what is causing these life altering episodes. They make him feel like he is literally going to die when they happen. It’s terrifying and mind boggling. 

His Endocrinologist, Dr. Powers, has been a blessing. He has made all of the relevant referrals and ordered every test imaginable in an effort to find answers. Test results have been inconclusive. It has been beyond frustrating.

Last year, Dr. Powers told us about the Undiagnosed Diseases Network (UDN). There are only a few clinics in the U.S. One of them is at Vanderbilt in Nashville. The program is part of the National Institute of Health (NIH). Many different doctors and specialists across the country are involved. Their goal is to evaluate the patient and hopefully discover the elusive cause of undiagnosed medical problems. They review the medical records and history. Further testing is done as needed. They discuss everything as a group and hopefully find answers.

We were running out of options and ideas about what to do next. Dr. Powers suggested he apply to be a UDN participant. He told us not to get our hopes up because a panel of doctors would have to evaluate his records, discuss his case, and determine if he was a good fit for the program. They receive thousands of applications each year. They are only able to select a certain number at each clinic based on funding from a yearly grant. We filled out the application, sent in a recommendation letter from Dr. Powers, and forwarded all of his medical records and other items they requested. We prayed as we waited for their decision.

Praise God! for answering our pleas for help! He was accepted as a participant! They said he was the last patient accepted at the Vanderbilt Clinic under the current grant. We know that there is still no guarantee that we will get answers, but we have renewed hope! 

Part of the process is genetic testing for him and his parents. We are waiting on lab kits to get that started. We were told that getting the interpretation of results could take about 6 months. 

Understanding of gene involvement in disease is evolving every day. That is great because even if they don’t find concrete answers now, they may later. As genetic research expands knowledge of how certain variants effect health, they may discover the cause of his problems in the future. If that happens, since he is in the program, they will contact him. Even if it’s years from now! Medical science is changing and expanding daily. We are optimistic that this will finally provide some answers and help.

God continues to open doors and provide for our every need during these uncertain times. We are constantly humbled by His love. 

We are so thankful for this opportunity. We know that prayers have gotten us to this point. Please join us in praying that we will finally find out what is wrong, and maybe even discover a way to fix it! 

If you would like more information on the Undiagnosed Diseases Network, check out their website. 

https://undiagnosed.hms.harvard.edu/

Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint. 

 

What if we stopped making excuses and started taking responsibility?

 

I think Satan must have a special forces unit that specifically sets out to destroy Christian families. The attacks start from day one,  but apparently they call in the big guns around 20-25 years of marriage. It breaks my heart to feel the pain in the words of my friends who have had their spouses walk away tearing  apart their families. I know multiple couples who are struggling, or are no longer together after having invested a lifetime in each other. 

We have struggled in our relationship too. Everyone has. Nothing is perfect. I have walked away from relationships in the past. I have made less than honorable decisions more than I care to admit. 

There are always lasting consequences for our selfish actions. At some point, we just have to draw a line and hold to promises we make and not allow ourselves to ever cross those predetermined boundaries. Once Billy and I decided to put God first in our lives, we committed to stay together... no matter what... for better or worse. 

We all get worn down sometimes and think about the "what ifs". But, what if we just did the right thing? It gets easier. Why give up when you are just about through the hardest part? Someday, the kids will grow up and move out and the finances will be easier to handle. Then you will have more freedom to rediscover each other and fall in love all over again. You can give in to your "midlife crisis" and the temptation to run away and start a new life. However, there are responsibilities no matter where you go. The new wears off of every situation. At the end of the day you will have lost the life you worked for and once treasured. It's never too late to try to make things right. If you are separated, considering divorce., or just going through a tough time in your relationship... Don't give in to the temptation to give up. If you do, you are going to miss the best parts of life! Live with purpose and passion. Love is worth fighting for. It's more than a feeling. Love is an action word. Just commit to do it, even on the days when you don't feel like it. 

I know this picture and caption may seem harsh to some, but as Christians, we need to hold each other accountable. We need to stop being so understanding and supportive of divorce when there are no biblical reasons for it. We are all in this battle. We need to stand along side our friends and family in their struggles. We should fight with them and for them. We all need to take responsibility and do the right thing. 

Just my two cents, and I'm sure that's about all it's worth.

*** Here's the fine print ***

I shared this post (and the fine print) on social media several years ago. I feel it’s appropriate to include it in the blog post as well. So, here ya go:

I have made many decisions over the years that were not honoring to God and went against everything I believe in today. So, I feel like the "fine print" is needed in the spirit of full disclosure, transparency, and clarification.

I know the consequences of choosing the wrong path. I've taken that road. I know the pain of separation from God because I have lived it. I know that selfish behavior leads to destruction because I have taken part in destroying good things. I am ashamed of the mistakes I've made, the people I have hurt, and the chaos I've caused along the way. Once the damage is done, you can never go back and change the outcome. I'm not an expert on righteous living or marriage. I've failed at both. However, I am qualified to tell you who God is because of all He has done for me. He has forgiven every bad thing I've ever done. That's why I want to share Him. Not because I think I have it all together, but because I know I don't. I am a deeply flawed human being saved by the grace of God. I hope y'all know that when I share from my heart it is because I have walked from the darkness into His light. A life in his presence is so much better than what I ever had on my own. I still mess up. We all do. Please don't judge the message by the faults of the messenger. God's truth is absolute. He wants our whole heart. He wants to come first in our life. I'm not perfect, but my God is. He is worthy of our love and adoration. His truth will change your life if you let it and are willing to live your life according to it. Again... I am a mess, but I am HIS mess. I will be a work in progress and under construction until I reach the gates of Heaven. I believe the key to living a life that brings glory to God is to continue working towards His purposes and NEVER give up. We may stray from His path at times, but His truth will guide us where we are supposed to go... if we choose to follow it.

New Normal

It has been awhile since I shared an update on Billy’s ongoing health issues. Mostly because it is apparently a medical mystery and the diagnosis and answers continue to elude his Doctors. It is frustrating, but we are slowly adjusting to the uncertainty of this “new normal”. 

With the global pandemic of COVID-19, new mutations of the virus being seen in other countries, social distancing, masks, lockdowns, rumors of election tampering, and an apparent intentional bombing on Christmas in Nashville, it seems we are all facing the unknown! I take comfort in knowing that God sees the entire picture, even when I don’t. He has a plan to get each of us thru whatever lies ahead, even when we can’t imagine how.  

Billy continues to struggle with chronic back, leg, and nerve pain. He still has all of the same stomach and GI issues. Unless God intervenes, they will be lifelong concerns. He will continue to have regular procedures to monitor the situation and remove any polyps or new gastric Neuroendocrine tumors.

He was supposed to have Parathyroid surgery due to years of elevated parathyroid hormone (PTH) levels. However, during the pre-surgery work up, his PTH levels were normal. Several labs following that were also within range. The surgeon did not want to proceed with surgery because she felt there were too many uncertainties and the risks outweighed the benefits at that time. Now, his PTH levels are high again. His situation has always been a little strange and not a typical presentation of hyperparathyroidism. Multiple Doctors have been consulted about it, but none seem to have a clear answer. Since it has not caused any bone loss or dangerous levels of calcium in his blood, we have decided to hold off on surgery for the time being.

We found out about a month ago that he has multiple abnormal labs concerning his iron levels, and is anemic. The GI Dr. believes it is due to the autoimmune atrophic gastritis. His Endocrinologist is going to talk with a Hematologist to be sure.

He is also still having the severe episodes that cause sudden blood pressure spikes, tachycardia, extreme anxiety, and a bunch of other crazy symptoms. They have not been able to confirm or rule out a pheochromocytoma on his adrenal gland. He is currently on 2 different medications that are commonly used in pheo patients. So far, they are keeping his blood pressure and heart rate from elevating to dangerous levels. Unfortunately, he still deals with the awful symptoms on a daily basis. His Endocrinologist is trying to get the VA to approve him to see an Adrenal Specialist that he knows at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. He said it may take awhile to get them to approve it, but he has started the process. 

 Now that you are up to date on all of that, we found out a few days ago about another issue that sounds pretty serious.

They found an abdominal aortic dissection of the iliac artery. Don’t feel bad, we had to look it up too. 

He had a scan Wednesday for GI issues. They called a few hours later and told him what it showed and gave him a list of symptoms that he should watch for. If they occur, he should go to ER immediately because it could mean a rupture/aneurism and be life threatening. Scary stuff. The GI Dr is the one that called. An abdominal aortic dissection is not in her area of expertise, but she felt like they’d likely address the problem quickly. It will probably require surgery. She sent a message to vascular surgery, but we haven’t heard from them yet. I’m sure Christmas delayed things. Hopefully, someone will call us in the next few days.

So, there ya go... the saga continues! More challenges and no obvious solutions. It’s hard to live in the shadows, where you can’t see the path ahead clearly. We spend most of our lives assuming that we have some control over the uncontrollable. Life humbles all of us at some point. Nobody ever said it would be easy... but, God said He would never leave us. We know that He is a problem solver and a way maker! We choose to walk by faith and not by sight. 

If you haven’t heard Brantley Gilbert’s song... Hard Days... click the link below and check it out! The Hard Days sure do make us appreciate the blessings!

Is there anything greater than a Mother’s love?

June 8, 2008. There are pivotal moments in life when everything changes. You know what I’m talking about. An event that frames everything else. There’s the before it happened, and the after. Sometimes, whatever it was is joyous.  Other times, it’s heartbreaking. 12 years ago was one of those life changing days for me. It was by far, the hardest day of my life. On June 8, 2008, the person I’ve loved and depended on since before I was even born took her last breath on Earth. I had to say goodbye to the only person that I knew would always love me. When Mama left, it shook my entire world and my sense of security. Unconditional love is rare. It should be something that every child gets from their parents. Sadly, that’s not the way it is. Some people never experience the absolute and pure love that my Mom gave me. I’m so thankful that I had her. I knew how special it was, but honestly, I don’t think I truly appreciated it until it was gone.  It was in my darkest moments without her, that I finally comprehended that the only unending and unchanging relationship I will ever have is with my Creator and Savior. When I felt alone, afraid, lost, and hopeless... there was Jesus. Grief is a powerful and crippling feeling, but my God is stronger. When I’m weary from fighting the battles, He’s there to remind me that He already won and that He did that for me. There are no words to ever say how grateful I am that He chose Mama for me... and that He loved us enough to make a way for us to be together again forever. Mostly, I am overwhelmed by the fullness of His love for me and His constant companionship. I don’t deserve it and I can’t understand it, but I don’t think I would’ve survived this long without it. In my happiest memories, there was Jesus. During the storms and devastation, there was Jesus. What a blessing to never have to walk alone!

If you’ve never experienced unconditional love, there is Jesus. If you need someone you can count on, there is Jesus. Whatever you need, He is the answer. If you don’t know Him, I would be honored to introduce you. 

https://youtu.be/VZXRIw5uBuY